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Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Second Baby Weight

Before I popped The Cool Cucumber out, I had heard many warnings that losing the weight after a second baby was hard. I want to track all those bitches that said that down and punch them right in the vagina. It is not hard, it is impossible. Plus, the sagging skin and stretch marks are about a million times worse after #2. (Shut it, Alessandra. I swear to god I will drive to your house and slap you right in the face with a bottle of fat free salad dressing if you say how easy it was for you. You know how I feel about you and your friends.)

Anyway. The bitch of it is? I worked out more, ate better and gained less weight in my second pregnancy. And here I am, 9 months later, fatter than I was RIGHT AFTER I gave birth. Excellent. Thank god for jeans with space-age stretchy shit in them. I finally bit the bullet and bought some in size Fat Ass, so now I can actually button them and breathe at the same time. Bonus. Suck.

I am a realist. I understand that my body will never fit into single digit sizes. Ever. Seriously, ever. I don't strive to weigh 120 pounds. Or 130. Or, hell, even 140. That isn't healthy for me. I have child-bearing hips. They have served me well, as evidenced by my immaculate deliveries (see parts 1, 2, 3 and 4).

I think Lady Gaga is on to something. I may not have been born this way, but I sure as shit earned every pound and stretch mark I have gained along the way. Let's start the Mommy Body Revolution. One where we can have a second slice of pizza and bottle of wine without feeling dirty and comparing ourselves to our thinner mommy friends, or, worse yet, our thinner non-mommy friends.

I want pizza, wine and brownies. Suck it, salad. You too, Alessandra.

33 comments:

  1. I've found that after Baby #2, I go to the gym more however I also drink more.
    A lot more.
    In fact, in order to save time, I'm planning to start drinking AT the gym. I suggest you do the same.
    I may never see the other side of 150 again but I'll have a good time and be comfortable wearing all those sweet, waist-free gym outfits for at least 2 hours every day.
    Just an idea.

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    Replies
    1. I consider drinking weight lifting, so it is a moot point. 12 ounces is almost a pound and god knows I do enough reps!

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  2. Losing weight is frickin hard. You know what's harder? Maintaining! I lost 25 pounds a year and a half ago and have gained it all back.

    You know what else sucks? Even if you lose all your baby weight your body (well, mine anyway) will have changed enough that you still can't fit into clothes you fit into at a higher weight.

    Seriously, that bottle of wine is where it's at!

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    Replies
    1. Ugh. So frustrating, Tiffany! Hang in there!

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  3. Sign me up!!!!! Having been born into a life of double digit pant sizes and birthing hips pre-pregnancy, there's no way in hell things are going to get better post-baby. Yay Mommy Body Revolution!!

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    Replies
    1. But those hips are soon to pay off in a big way! Can't wait to read about Lil' Arch!

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  4. Why, oh why, can't they make diet wine? If they can take the caffeine out of coffee, or the alcohol out of beer, surely they can take the sugar out of wine.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Because it would probably end up tasting like rat poison, like diet soda. Splenda is the devil!

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  5. I am avoiding work and clicking around on blogs and just happened to stumble upon yours. You might be my new favorite person. Can we be friends? I have a 9 month old too and she’s only my first but the way I eat and drink, I act like she’s my 4th. Baby weight can suck it. Haven't our bodies gone through enough?! I’m 100% in for this mommy revolution.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Abby, I just got an email notifying me of your comment and I was all, "Oh my god! Abby Cadabby contacted me! The Quiet Contemplator is going to be so excited!" Of course we can be friends, but I draw the line at your friend Elmo. His voice makes me want to harm kittens.

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    2. Just wanted to reply back so you could get another e-mail from Abby Cadabby. You're welcome in advance. :) I actually put my friend's names into my phone as celebrities. Jennifer Aniston texts me daily. 'Jennifer's' husband is listed as Brad Pitt, so in my head they're back together and all is right in the world again.

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    3. my god this is the greatest comment conversation I've ever seen! Can I be friends with you guys too? My "second" baby was twins so I figure I'm just fat for life now. Ben & Jerry lead my post-partum depression group, with guest appearances by Cupcake wine. :-)

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    4. Oh, Lori. You get a gold mommy start for life for that. You should also get a t-shirt made, "I birthed two babies at once. What's your excuse?"

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  6. It wasn't number two that did me in. It was number three. I started running half marathons after she was born, only to learn two years later that I am STILL the same weight that I was the week after she was born. I'm now pregnant with number 4 (why not? everything went to shit already anyway) and I'm pretty much terrified of what I'll look like a year from now.

    And please tell me that I am not the only woman who has developed "Mom Crotch" since having kids and can't seem to get rid of it!

    These kids better be worth it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, Marti. Ima need mo details on "mom crotch". I am seeing a future post in the making...

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    2. It's not so much the actual crotch but that area right above it. I can't decide if it's because I'm short, because I carried my kids low, or maybe I was just genetically destined to gain weight in the groin area...but seriously, who wants to look like they have a fat crotch? Most days I swear my mom crotch and thighs look like they are trying to eat my jeans. It's lovely. And THAT is an area you can't work out to fix. I might be okay with the weight gain if half of it wasn't right between my hips. Now good luck going about your day trying not to eyeball other women to decide if they too sport the mom crotch!

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    3. Marti, I believe the area you are talking about is referred to as the "gunt". Gunt is a lovely word derived from the meshing of the gut and the... You can go ahead and thank Howard Stern for that one. It is pretty brilliant though.

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  7. Well Ladies, at least you all gave birth. I have "baby weight" from almost a decade of infertility treatments with the icing on the cake (so to speak) being the stress of the adoption process. I've got baby weight and haven't given birth. I have my own special category of "fatty." Yesterday I started a new (free) app called My Fitness Pal and I am loving it so far!

    I refuse to give up wine and cheese and everything else that makes life worth living. Period.
    http://funnyittlepollywogs.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Did you know you can scan foods on MFP? It is awesome and has way n=more foods than the WW scanner.

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  8. Yes, baby weight you can suck it. All the skinny mama bitches out there can kiss my fat ass. Baby number one put it on me, she's almost 2...no new baby in sight but I look like I could be having one soon. It's hard to lose it period. No matter how you look at it, how healthy you were during the pregnancy, it's hard. I blame being over 30 and loving food. ;)

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  9. Oh god...I'm the first dude to comment on this....

    The Trophy takes great pleasure at seeing women who were once skinny balloon up like a bloated whale during the pregnancy and after is even better for her, she laughs her ass off when they struggle to get back to modeling size. By the way the Trophy is normal and not a "skinny bitch" as you put it :-)

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    Replies
    1. Just checked out your site. Loves the minions, Never seen that movie but I use the word all the time for mirthfulness.

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  10. The other day, I looked through old photos of my first pregnancy - that I started out being all slim and slender. And when I looked at the about 3-months-pregnant photo, I thought to myself, "Oh. Yay. That's what I look like right now. HOW CUTE."

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    Replies
    1. I would kick a puppy to look like I looked at three months pregnant with either of the midgets.

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  11. I wish I could say I had two baby's to blame for this. baby #1 has done it for me. I'm still trying to blame the breastfeeding/pumping/just started sleeping through the night for this shit. but I can tell even when I get my ass in gear I'm ducked! so anyway count me into the M.B.R.

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  12. My 7yo daughter looked over at me earlier today while I was standing in profile at the sink and said, "Oh wow, for a second there I thought you were pregnant again!" Thanks. Thanks a lot. Plus I was standing at the sink to keep my Pop Tart crumbs from falling on the floor, so that didn't help my self esteem much.

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    Replies
    1. I love that a 7-y-o said that almost as much as I love Pop Tarts. One strawberry and one chocolate is my idea of a good time!

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  13. It took me two years after my second to finally settle back into a normal-ish range. For some reason, after the second, it was like my body was all 'OOOH WE NEED THIS FOR MAKING PEOPLE', and held on to every ounce.

    Which is why I'm now a big fan of the leggings and tunics fad. Because I can totally wear that shit and pretend I'm as skinny as my ankles.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Stupid survival mode. We aren't going into a great famine, body. Knock it off!

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