The Stay at Homie
These mamas are usually in some form of yoga pant and a comfy T (Hell, who are they trying to impress?). These women (and some men) are talkative and friendly and just seem damn happy to be able to have an adult conversation. They pay attention to their kids, but don't suffocate the fun out of them.
The Silver Spoon Sally
These mamas show up in designer duds--usually some form of ridiculously expensive track suit. They tend to spend most of their time at the park on the phone (actually talking, who knew people actually used phones for that anymore?). They drive vehicles that cost more than my house and that are usually about the same size.
These parents can be dressed in any fashion. The key to The Helicopter is breathing down their child's neck the entire time they are at the park, worrying that something might happen if they give them any space. Pray your kid does not want to play with The Helicopter's kid. You might need to provide your child's DNA markers to allow them to interact.
The Business Meeting
These parents are usually dressed in an outfit that would be appropriate for casual Friday--even if it is Sunday afternoon. They spend their time at the park buying and selling, or making mergers and acquisitions, or whatever important people do. They often have Bluetooths and make frequent trips pacing around the actual playground while they are working.
These parents are always dressed in running shoes and sporting the shirts from their latest Ironman. They tend to encourage their kids to do the more strenuous activities at the playground. They can frequently be seen throwing Clif bars at their kids while they scale the rock wall. I imagine most The Marathoners kids could probably bench press mine.
These parents don't have a particular dress, but if they did, it would be sweatpants. They see the park as an opportunity for someone else to watch their children for a while. They pretty much park themselves on a bench and zone out while their kids play with dog turds and push other kids down the slide.
The Nannies at the park always seem to be legitimately having fun. This weirds me out. I mean, I know it is their job and all, but they seem to actually enjoy it. They also seem way better at it than me. Whatever. Ever since I saw The Hand That Rocks The Cradle, nannies have freaked me out. And don't even get me started on Au pairs. I need some hot foreign chick who my kids like better than me sleeping in my house like I need to birth another baby.
The Over Achiever
"OK, Bridget. You can do it. I know you are tired, but let's try the monkey bars just one more time. You don't want the others kids at school to be able to do it and you can't, do you?" These parents want their kids to excel. At everything. Even going down the slide. They are like gymnastic coaches at the playground. Maybe Bridget doesn't want to do the monkey bars. Maybe she just wants to shovel sand into her pants like all the other kids.
These moms are happy. Really happy. Really, really happy. If their kid as much as takes a dump, they practically beam with joy, shouting encouragement with every little fart. Their kids are going to be incredibly disappointed when faced with the real world. No one is going to say, "Hooray, Timmy! You turned your TPS reports in on time! I am so proud of you!"
These parents do everything they can to give their kids the best start in life. Gluten free, soy free, non-dairy, organic, minimally processed, etc. Their snacks at the park are all individually portioned in BPA free containers and served with hemp napkins. Give it a rest. They serve chicken nuggets made of donkey balls once they get into grade school, so let your kid live a little and have a Goldfish cracker.
This would be us. We show up in jeans and an old t-shirt, looking like either retired rock stars or homeless people. Hey, it's Sunday. We had friends over last night and didn't know the park was such a fashion and political hotbed. We let our kids play, play with them when they aren't playing with other kids, then go home. Give us a break. And stop shouting, I kind of have a headache.
Want to see the park from other perspectives? Visit the links below to see what other moms (and one non-mom) have to say. Want to toss your own opinion into the ring for future posts? Contact me.
Mod Mom Beyond IndieDom
Something Clever 2.0
The Next Step