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Thursday, October 18, 2012

I'm Not Pregnant. I'm Just fat.

If you follow me on Facebook, you already know of the verbal assault I experienced last week. For those of you that don't, A: START! and B: let me fill you in.

While making a follow-up appointment at my Dr's office, the nurse scheduling the appointment stopped working to ask me, "When are you due?" I instantly replied, "I'm not pregnant. I'm just fat." I know, you are all cringing right now because this is like the lowest form of female torture: the false pregnancy identification.

To make matters worse, she proceeded to insult me even further by telling me it must just be my dress that makes me look pregnant. So, not only am I so fat that I appear pregnant enough for you to comment on it public, but it is my fault because I wear clothes that accentuate my fat in a way that makes me look pregnant? Um…OK. That just totally made this whole sitch less awkward. Not.

To top it off, I wasn't even at my gynecologist's office, where the mistake could easily be taken as just a, "Hey, most of the women in here are knocked up so I just assumed you were too. My bad." No, I was at an endocrinologist's office. An office I was visiting specifically to see why the hell I keep gaining weight exponentially. ESPECIALLY IN THE BELLY AREA. If that wasn't the biggest bag over the head, punch in the face I ever got. Way to kick a girl while she is down and feeling at her worst, lady.

Funny Baby Ecard: I'm not pregnant. I'm just fat. Now get away from me before I rip your heart out and eat it.

Though this may have been one of the more painful ones, this isn't the first time someone has mistaken me for pregnant when I was not.

The Grabby Kathy
Before I was even thinking about kids, I walked up to a lady at work to ask her for something. She immediately squealed at me. I asked her what was wrong. She squealed again and then looked at my stomach. After me still not getting what she was aiming at, she proceeded to put her hand on my stomach and ask me if I was excited. I responded, “No, I am not excited. I am not pregnant and now I have to throw away a brand new dress and never talk to you again.”

These People Are All Dead Now
A week after I had The Quiet Contemplator, I had to go to a friend’s art opening. I thought I looked pretty damn good for having had a baby a week earlier until not one but THREE separate people came up to me and said, “Damn, when are you going to have that baby already?” To which I replied, “I had her last week.” To which they responded, “No seriously, when are you due.” Me, “No, seriously, I had her last week.” Insert sound of crickets chirping. Commence hysterical tears.

The Ghost Baby
While holding a friend at work’s six-week-old baby, a coworker came up to me and said, “Wow, I didn’t think you were that far along again.” I said, “I am not. I had my baby eight months ago and I am not pregnant again.” But thank you for making me feel like a huge fat a$$ that looks seven months pregnant again.


I think, from now on, unless a woman has a baby dangling from an umbilical cord hanging out of her vagina, let's go ahead and give her the courtesy of not asking her when she is due, shall we? Better safe than sorry.

25 comments:

  1. Don't you just hate people sometimes??

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  2. My dad had the nerve to ask some poor woman that in the grocery store (she wasn't pregnant.) You should have seen the look of shock and horror on my mom's face. She promptly left the store without him.

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    1. I feel so bad for the people that do it but DAMN it sucks for it to be done to you!

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  3. I totally read that line in his voice, too!

    I can't believe how stupid people are. I was terrified of that happening to me, and I think the only reason it didn't is because I was fat ALL OVER after having my kids, so people just figured I was a fat ass. You are way more slender everywhere else (from the pics I've seen)and so to just have a tummy might make people think "oh, baby!" (This is a compliment, please don't tell me to fuck off!)

    The other day at the park, a lady was OBVIOUSLY hugely pregnant, and I WAS STILL was hesitant to ask her about it (we were already talking about kids and it was the appropriate next question for me to ask her) because you just never know. This time, it worked out okay; she is due in like, three weeks.

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    1. Ha! If really isn't your ass that makes you look pregnant, just your huge pregnant belly. So not offended. It's TRUE!

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  4. I kind of just went through this with my husband's surgeon two weeks ago, you would think a doctor would get it...

    Him: "Blah blah blah, explaining care after surgery..."
    Me: "Okay, sure, that sounds almost exactly like how I had to care for myself after my c-sections, this is no biggie."
    Him: *Looks at my stomach* "I remember (husband) mentioning something about your pregnancy..."
    Me: "...(to save him any more awkward silence)"We had our baby in March."
    Him: "...Yes, well, you just never know about these things, it's never safe to ask."
    Me: (in my mind) Well thank you so much, medical professional, for highlighting the fact that I'm STILL pregnant looking, even though I'm under my pre-pregnancy weight for the baby I had 6 months ago. Way to really drive home the fact that I'm no where near the weight I was before I had my first child. No worries, I didn't need that self esteem boost I had been riding on recently for looking so damn good, or so I thought.

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    1. There should be a rule that men can NEVER acknowledge a woman's pregnancy outside of his wife's. Ever. It can never end well.

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  5. Was this receptionist new? Did she not understand where she worked? And even so, WTF YOU DO NOT EVER SAY THAT!!! They should teach that in health class or something.

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    1. Ha. Hey lady, people come here because they are often too fat/too skinny and looking for answers! Duh!

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  6. Ugh this SO happened to me about six months after I had my daughter. AWKWARD. I wish people would get that memo that says "Don't comment on a woman's pregnancy EVAR even if she's 10 months along!!11"

    Oh and Hi! New reader! I love your stuff!

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    Replies
    1. So sorry!

      And welcome! Do you come bearing cake? I love cake!

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  7. They are all very lucky you are suck a nice person and nobody got punched in the face...

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  8. I have a friend who always just goes with it when someone assumes she's pregnant. She says it's totally worth it for the seats on the bus and the help with the groceries.

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    1. There is a girl I work with who used it to get free Mac n cheese from the lunch lady for like a year. Ha!

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  9. I did it to my cousin once...not cause she was fat but because she had announced that she was pregnant. What she did not announce is that she miscarried. (there should be a law!) Anyways, I show up at a huge family Thanksgiving dinner and waltz right to the middle of the room and put my hand right on her belly and squeel "OOOOHHHH look! You can already start to see the baby!!" Soooo, not only did I rub salt in her miscarriage wound, I called her fat. After her mom pulled me aside and told me and I got to thinking about it, had she not miscarried she should have been like 6 months pregnant by then, so a pooch is not what she should have been sporting if she had still been pregnant, which made me feel even worse. Yeah, she and I are just not as close as we used to be, though how close were we if she didnt't even tell me she miscarried? SO, now...I have a rule, I say NOTHING about being pregnant to ANYONE unless I see a tiny foot protruding from their body or they say it first, I don't care how obvious it seems. (and even with a tiny foot, I might just offer any assistance they need and still not say anything about being pregnant - thats just how bad I felt/feel).
    I hope they figure out your belly weight gain, mine is from beer. :)
    Devan

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    1. Oh devan, I am so sorry. That wasn't really your fault!

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  10. Oh I haven't had that happen. Although when I was about 6 months along my husband's very nice and well meaning grandparents said "you look like you are pregnant now, you didn't really before" meaning I was so fat no one could tell I was pregnant for the first 6 months. And I am still fat, so don't worry about it. Imagine having an extra 94 lbs to lose! Id rather be mistaken for skinny-pregnant any day :)

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  11. Oh. Oh honey. A plague o' their houses.

    Did you REALLY say that to the Grabby Kathy? WIN.

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    1. Of course I did. Don't you know me by now? Ha!

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  12. Just had it happen again today. I think I may have diastasis recti from my first pregnancy, though I've been getting the dreaded question since before he was born. The things that made this time the worst were that 1) the lady asking was a plus-size woman so you'd think she'd have some inkling of the possible consequences of asking it, and 2) the way she asked made it seem as though she had been observing me for the past few weeks (at work) and felt as though it was firmly obvious enough that I am definitely pregnant. Like she knew it was a tricky subject but now she was sure, so it'd be okay.

    I've always wanted to come back with a snappy rejoinder, but I find the person asking never means to insult, so I can't bear to insult them back. I just know how embarrassed I'd feel if I had asked. Maybe that's just weird Canadian politeness... It's disappointing not to have some kind of socially acceptable way to tell a person they just made you feel like shit. I'd love a button or something...

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    1. So Sorry! Ugh. People can be dicks sometimes.

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