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Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Monkey Pox Strikes Again

I think I may have caught a slight case of the plague. Or ebola. Or monkey pox. Something exotic and disgusting. I have been sick for almost two weeks and it kind of makes me want to bash my sinuses in with a squeaky inflatable hammer.

It all started with a stomach virus and has melded into bronchitis. Because just puking and crapping my brains out wasn't enough. I also had to spend the week after that painfully coughing up what I imagine to be important parts of my anatomy.

Anywho. Lucky for you, my monkey pox resulted in the following conversation between myself and ADD Daddy (at least I think it did. I have been kind of hallucinating lately from the lack of sleep/booze the pox have caused):

Scene: Our bedroom around 2 a.m. (don't worry, no "lotion" was present). I wake up to a scary noise and immediately wake up ADD Daddy.

Me: (shaking ADD Daddy) Wake up. Do you hear that noise?
ADD Daddy: Sn4834hvjks89i4nwktgr…zzzzzzz
Me: (shaking ADD Daddy harder) WAKE UP! Do you hear that noise?
ADD Daddy: Zzzzzzzzzzz...WHAT! What? What. What noise?
Me: That scary noise.
ADD Daddy: What scary noise?
Me: The noise that sounds like you are taking one of those ribbed plastic straws out of one of the kids' cups.
ADD Daddy: WHAT?
Me: You know, those plastic straws that are shaped like those Burple drinks you used to get when you played little league when you were a kid. Those were awesome. I used to love those.
ADD Daddy: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!?!?! WHAT IS BURPLE?
Me: Dude. Whatever. Burple rocked. Anyway. Do you not hear that weird noise? There it is…Wait…There it is again…Wait…There it is again. You don't hear that?
ADD Daddy: Are you serious?
Me: Yes I am serious. What is it?
ADD Daddy: Are you SERIOUS?
Me: Yes. And why do you keep asking me that? What is it?
ADD Daddy: It is the sound of you breathing.
Me: No it's not. I am talking about the horrible weird scratchy noise. Wait for it…there it is. Wait for it…there it is again. That noise. You don't hear it?
ADD Daddy: Yes I hear it.
Me: Well then, what is it?
ADD Daddy: Seriously, it is the sound of you breathing.
Me: Oh. Gross.
ADD Daddy: Yes, I know. It is like sleeping with Darth Vader. Now shut up and go back to sleep.
Me: OK. Zzzzzzzzzzz (crackle crackle) Quiet Contemplator, I am your mother.

The end.

10 comments:

  1. Yum, Burple. How did he not know what that was at 2a.m.??

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  2. I've never heard of them, either, but they seem fun. Maybe it's a regional thing... Or maybe they just didn't give them to lazy kids who didn't play sports.

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  3. Perhaps you swallowed one of the Burple containers without realizing it?

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    Replies
    1. That would totally account for the noise! If so, that bitch has been in there since 1987!

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  4. This was total greatness. I mean, sorry about your monkey pox....but sounding like Darth Vader is a win. You should take full advantage of this situation while it lasts.

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    Replies
    1. Sadly, during the day I do not sound like Darth. I sound like a 13-y-o boy that is going through puberty. A lot of sudden pitch changes, overall squeakiness and loss of tone altogether. It is lovely.

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  5. "It is like sleeping with Darth Vader." Hee! Love it.

    Did you at least get the sexy Demi Moore voice to go along with being sick? 'Cause, you know, that might be a fair trade.

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    Replies
    1. Sadly, during the day I do not sound like Demi, either. I sound like a 13-y-o boy that is going through puberty. A lot of sudden pitch changes, overall squeakiness and loss of tone altogether. It is lovely.

      Delete
  6. This seems like a perfectly believable scenario to me.

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I love hearing from you. It reinforces that writing this blog is not just a silly waste of my brain matter. If you leave a douche canoe comment, I will delete it. I am powerful like that.

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