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Thursday, September 27, 2012

I, apparently, did not put the lotion in the basket

We all know the trials and tribulations The Quiet Contemplator and I have with soap and lotion. It gives me an eye twitch just thinking about it. Well, it is far from over and it has reached an entire new level. A level so embarrassing that I might be shunned by the entire Mommy Community after I tell its tale, but tell it I shall, because we all know I have no shame, as evidenced here and here and, well, pretty much this entire blog. This one might take the cake though.

The other day, as I was getting ready, The Contemplator came into the bathroom rubbing her hands in her usual mirthful way. Yep, lotion again. As my temperature began to rise, I asked her where she had obtained said lotion. She replied, "By the bed." Funny, I thought. I don't remember having any lotion by the bed. Then it hit me.  





Wait for it.








Wait for it.







You guessed it…







My daughter had coated her hands in lube. Hi, My name is Julie (Hi, Julie) and I may have accidentally committed a sex crime against a two-year-old.

Now, before you get your spanx all in a bunch and think ADD Daddy and I are some kind of sex perverts, hear me out. The "lotion" (I am going to keep referring to it as "lotion" because even just the word "lube" really freaks me out) she had found was actually a bottle of Pre-seed fertility lubricant, not a 20-gallon bottle of Astroglide. This particular "lotion" was used to help conceive both of the kids, not for hot, stinky monkey love. Regardless, I was mortified.

I immediately took her to the sink to wash the "lotion" off her hands, though there was no amount of soap that was going to wash off the crimson flush that had taken over my cheeks. After I cleaned The Contemplator up (a remarkably speedy process, given the presence of the "lotion"), I sent her on her way to play. No "No more soap or lotion" talks, no scolding, no nothing. Just a hope and a prayer to the big man above that she would not tell her friends at school about the incident and that the sex crimes enforcement agency wouldn't be visiting me at work that afternoon.


Anywho, enjoy this video by the Greenskeepers that cracks me up. Put the lotion in the basket, Boozehounds!

19 comments:

  1. Doesn't it feel better to get that off your chest!?

    And you know, if you did have a 20-gallon bucket of astro-glide next to your bed, I wouldn't judge. :-)

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  2. Don't you love when your life is like a sit-com?

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  3. Haha, too funny! I had to share this with my Mommy group!

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  4. LOL no I think that you will be the president of the mommy community, because this has to happen more than not! I remember I got caught playing with my mom's erm personal massager as a child lol

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    Replies
    1. I love how this post has brought about that c=fact that pretty much every mommy on earth has an inner freaky side. Love it!

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  5. OMG. I just died a little.
    I can't even imagine.

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  6. Hahahahahahahaha!
    if I was sharing rainbows and puppy dog tails, this would b close to the top of my list. it's been a stressful week. thanx for sharing!

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    Replies
    1. I so almost didn't because it was mortifying. Ha!

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  7. "Well, bless her sweet little heart!"(said in your best Southern accent). The other day my daughter said, "Mom, why did you sleep with this crunchy towel between your legs?" as she danced around with it like it was a freakin' scarf. Gah...

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    1. Oh my God I want to move to the south just to make back handed compliments. Also the cool cucumber may or may not had a tampon in his mouth the orher day. It was a new one!

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    2. Oh my God I want to move to the south just to make back handed compliments. Also the cool cucumber may or may not had a tampon in his mouth the orher day. It was a new one!

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    3. Thank God you replied and didn't shun me. After posting, I decided that the 2 ice cold Dos Equis and no-food-all-day-while-caring-for-my-collicky-cutie had convinced me to overshare in order to assimilate and hopefully provide comfort.

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  8. You know what's funny? The only thing that struck me as wrong about the whole situation is that Pre-Seed has a split infinitive on the package.

    Ahem, it should be "Uniquely developed NOT to harm sperm." Idiots...

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  9. Oh. I might have urinated on myself. From the mirth.

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