Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Top 10 Differences Between your First and Subsequent Pregnancies


Though all pregnancies are special, your first tends to get a bit more of the red carpet treatment than any pregnancies that follow. Here are my top 10 differences between first pregnancies and any that occur after.

10. The Learning Curve

The First: you read every book known to man about pregnancy, childbirth, childcare, environmental toxins, diet and exercise, etc.
Subsequent Pregnancies: you read People magazine in the spare three minutes you get to yourself each day. Hey, you have to find out what Brad and Angelina are up to somehow.

9. Diet

The First: you make sure that you eat a perfect, balanced diet while pregnant so the baby will have every advantage from day one.
Subsequent Pregnancies: you eat spare chicken nuggets off your toddler's plate while cleaning up after dinner and getting ready for bedtime.

8. Diagnosing Mystery Ailments

The First:
if any little thing just doesn't feel right, you call your OBGYN.
Subsequent Pregnancies: if anything short of a limb falling off happens, you say it will be fine and keep on moving.

7. Your Social Life

The First:
you still go out with friends and stay out a little later than you want just so they don't think that having a baby is going to change you.
Subsequent Pregnancies: short of them offering you free tickets to lick Gerard Butler's abs, you tell your friends to go fuck themselves, you're pregnant.

6. Nursery Preparedness

The First:
everything in your nursery is washed, organized, perfectly matched and ready for baby by the time you hit 25 weeks.
Subsequent Pregnancies: Baby? Oh, crap. I am having another one of those? In a panic, you start doing last-minute preparations for the baby around 39 weeks.

5. Extracurricular Activities

The First
: you practice prenatal yoga and water aerobics and take every childbirth and child-rearing class that is offered.
Subsequent Pregnancies: you don't have time to think, let alone take a class with a bunch of first-time moms who want to talk about what labor is going to be like. It is going to suck. Then it will be over. The end.

4. Talking/Thinking About Baby

The First:
you think and talk about your pregnancy 24-hours a day. It is the only thing you can think about right now.
Subsequent Pregnancies: you think about your pregnancy twice the entire time: once when the stick shows two lines instead of one, and again when your water breaks and it is time to head to the hospital.

3. Weight Gain

The First:
you worry about proper weight gain and what you are going to look like after the baby comes.
Subsequent Pregnancies: you supersize everything and get dessert after. F*ck it. I am going to get stretch marks either way. Why not live a little?

2. Fetal Movements

The First:
feeling your baby kick will make you stop what you are doing no matter how important it seemed. This is the miracle of life, people!
Subsequent Pregnancies: when your baby kicks, it is still great and all, but if you were on your way to get a donut, you aren't stopping to embrace it. It will happen again after the donut. Babies like donuts.

1. What Your Baby Will be Like

The First: you think that your baby will be the second coming of Christ.
Subsequent Pregnancies: you know there is a good chance that your baby will be an asshole that will cry for hours on end for no reason and vomit in your hair right after you finally got a spare minute to wash it.


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18 comments:

  1. Ok. You freaking rock. I can't help but agree, every preggo mom I've ever met has said that after her first pregnancy, she really just concentrates on trying to remember where she put the car keys and if she remembered to feed herself. Can't even imagine Michelle Duggar notices she's even preggo anymore. Achoo! There's another Duggar!

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  2. If I could give this post a standing ovation. I would. But I've worked all week and I'm too damn tired, so just know that in my mind I am standing....applauding this post...and laughing my ass off! Thanks for some end of the day Friday laughs!

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  3. With your first you wear maternity clothes as early as possible. With your second you wear your regular clothes as long as possible. By your third, your regular clothes ARE maternity.

    Loved this post! It's all so true.

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  4. Kat: "Achoo! There's another Duggar!" Hilarious!

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  5. I just spat coffee on my computer monitor. Thanks for that! I needed it! :D

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  6. omg, yes yes and yesser. I just re-read the "journal" I kept while pg with #3 (on Sybermoms, an awesome site) and the main theme seems to be profound boredom/annoyance with the actual pregnancy. I had so btdt and the process is just a giant pain in the ass (and several other body parts). My boy, on the other hand, despite starting life as a colicky a$$hole who never let me put him down (just like his big sisters were) was well worth the boredom. Especially right now when he's at preschool and I'm sitting here on my ass reading funny shit like this blog. :)

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  7. You are hysterical. And totally right. That is all.

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  8. You are awesome. My kind of mom commentary!

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  9. OMG, I loved this! I only have 1, but I can just imagine how different it would be the 2nd time around IF we decide to do it!

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    Replies
    1. Have another. Join the legions of us that think you have to. Ha.

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  10. I want to thank you for being the only other mom to refer to her baby as an "a$$hole". My friends (the ones without kids, anyway) look at me sideways when I say the same thing about one of mine.

    Keep 'em coming, sister, keep 'em coming

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  11. Catching up...I just discovered your blog, it's fantastic! I'm pregnant with #2 (we call it 2-baby), and this couldn't be more dead-on! Also, I've recently asked kid #1 (18 months) a couple times why she's being such an asshole, and my husband gets really mad at me for calling her an asshole. I guess he doesn't spend enough time with her. :)

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    Replies
    1. Kids ARE assholes! Saying they aren't just makes us assholes.

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    2. That's so true, because when he gets mad at me for it I just want to call him an asshole instead.

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  12. This is hilarious! motleymama.com linked to your post on mommyshorts.com. So glad I found you! Adding you to my reader. Thanks for sharing!

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I love hearing from you. It reinforces that writing this blog is not just a silly waste of my brain matter. If you leave a douche canoe comment, I will delete it. I am powerful like that.

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