1. The complete joy of a warm sitz bath.
2. Being so afraid to poop that you avoid the bathroom at all costs.
3. Having incredible boobs … that hurt so badly you’ll kill anyone who so much as brushes up against them.
4. That taking a shower is a luxury, not a necessity.
5. The isolation of being alone with a tiny, helpless human. All. Day. LONG.
6. Celebrating your new eau de parfum: slightly spoiled milk, cabbage, and A+D ointment.
7. The fear that every other mother in the world is doing a better job than you.
8. What a dairy cow feels like.
9. Loving your other half for giving you such an amazing gift.
10. Hating your other half for the way they eat/sleep/breathe.
11. What it feels like to have no shame about whipping out a boob in public.
12. Crying. All the time. For no reason.
13. The feeling of victory that fitting into your pre-pregnancy clothes awards you (no matter how much muffin is left on top).
14. Using the baby as a legitimate excuse to get out of absolutely anything.
15. Wearing granny panties that are made out of mesh and come up to your eyeballs.
16. Why you can no longer do jumping jacks. Ever again.
17. Watching a horror movie and sympathizing with the zombies.
18. Going so crazy with fatigue you find yourself mindlessly rocking a jug of milk to sleep at the grocery store.
19. That “mother’s intuition” is real. And it is powerful.
20. The pure joy that is a first glass of wine after nine LONG months of sobriety.
21. The joy/embarrassment that are Preparation H pads.
22. Being so in tune with someone that your body actually produces food for them on demand.
23. That whoever came up with the cutesy term “baby blues” had never actually suffered from postpartum depression.
24. Accidental shoplifting.
25. Leaking through your shirt during an important presentation at work.
26. Waking up in a cold sweat, convinced you rolled over on the baby — only to find them sleeping soundly in their crib.
27. That “sleep when the baby sleeps” is the stupidest phrase anyone has ever uttered.
28. Being proud of the fact that your stomach looks like it was attacked by a tiger.
29. The amazing feeling of being the one who created this unique human being.