Thursday, August 21, 2014

Slapping ALS in the face one donation at a time

It was only a matter of time before I got nominated for the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge. I love the idea. As I watched it happen more and more, I started thining about what it would be like to one day wake up and be given the diagnosis of having Amyotroohic Lateral Sclerosis, sometimes known as Lou Gehrig's Disease. My brother-in-law is famous in our family for once actually uttering, "Whoa, Lou Gehrig got Lou Gehrig's Disease? I bet he didn't see that one coming."

Here is a little info on ALS from alsa.org:

Just what is ALS?

Ice Bucket Challenge
ALS was first found in 1869 by French neurologist Jean-Martin Charcot, but it wasn’t until 1939 that Lou Gehrig brought national and international attention to the disease. Ending the career of one of the most beloved baseball players of all time, the disease is still most closely associated with his name. Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (ALS) is a progressive neurodegenerative disease that affects nerve cells in the brain and the spinal cord. Motor neurons reach from the brain to the spinal cord and from the spinal cord to the muscles throughout the body. The progressive degeneration of the motor neurons in ALS eventually leads to their death. When the motor neurons die, the ability of the brain to initiate and control muscle movement is lost. With voluntary muscle action progressively affected, patients in the later stages of the disease may become totally paralyzed.

Instead of showering myself with ice-cold water in the name of charity, I decided to take it a step further and give my unwitting friend a hurricane shot. What is a hurricane shot? Oh, click away and see for yourself:

video

I did this because ALS is something you don't see coming and is a true diagnostic slap in the face. If you are offended by this, you should be more offended that it took a silly challenge to bring to light a devastating condition that ends the lives of amazing people every day.

So learn more about ALS. Then donate. I did.

I nominate Ilana from Mommy Shorts, Amy from Pregnant Chicken and Jill from Scary Mommy.

If you share this post, I will buy you a pony. I suck at Twitter. I am OK at Facebook. Pinterest is my bitch. I am also on Bloglovin' and Instagram.

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

29 Things Only a Pregnant Woman Would Understand

Morning sickness, insomnia, an ever-growing belly and the long, agonizing wait of labor…it's all worth it! Enjoy these 29 things only someone who's endured the nine-month journey of pregnancy would understand.

1. What it feels like to be completely terrified and excited at the same time.

baby-wipes

2. Morning sickness that lasts. All. Damn. Day.

clog

3. That pantiliners aren’t just for periods.

fastfood

4. That sometimes you get diaper rash even when you don’t wear diapers.

Italian-food

5. Mucus plugs. ‘Nuff said.

Public-restroom

6. What Dolly Parton must feel like.

underwear

7. Cankles that engulf your entire leg.

Matches

8. How to waddle like a penguin.

meds

9. The awesomeness that is the ability to grow a freakin’ human being.

Remicade

10. Willing the worst pain of your life to come. SOON.

obstruct

11. How you can be hot when there is ice dripping from the air conditioner.

prep-an-H

12. What it is like to have to pee every 15 minutes. All. Night. Long.

the-one

13. Crying because the fast food worker got your order wrong.

mystery

14. The urge to punch complete strangers in the neck when they comment on how big you are.

Barium

15. The need to organize. ALL THE THINGS.

colonoscopy

16. The first time you feel the life growing inside of you move.

Indiana-Jones

17. How to trim the hedges when you can no longer see them…

google

18. How Jabba the Hutt really feels.

ingredients

19. The importance of fiber.

awful-bathrooms

20. When a baby does a flip off your cervix and lands on your bladder.

aisle-seat

21. That you plan every trip out of the house around access to clean restrooms.

22. What it feels like to be punched in the stomach from the inside.

salad

23. Getting excited when you get diarrhea because it means the baby might be coming soon.

dry-cleaning-tickets

24. What it’s like to pee a little when you cough. Or sneeze. Or breathe.

Mike-McCreedy

25. The reason ASPCA commercials make you cry.

Mexican-food

26. What that dude in the movie Alien felt like.

popcorn

27. Sleeping in a fortress of pillows.

Drinking

28. Why you put dirty dishes in the cupboard and mayonnaise in the dishwasher.

29. Loving someone deeply before you even meet them.




This post was written by me and originally appeared on Healthline.

If you share this post, I will buy you a pony. I suck at Twitter. I am OK at Facebook. Pinterest is my bitch. I am also on Bloglovin' and Instagram.

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Thank god for mother's intuition

Monday morning, The Cool Cucumber was scheduled to have a new set of tubes put in and his adenoids removed at 6:15 a.m. Like last time, I was leery about the adenoidectomy.  I decided to squash my inner "Danger, Will Robinson!" and go ahead with the adenoid removal.

The night before surgery, I prayed to God, my brother and my mother-in-law to either help the surgery be a success or give me a big, unmistakable sign that it was a bad idea. Well, a sign I sure got.

Monday morning at 3 a.m., mere hours before we were due to leave for the hospital, I noticed the light in our hall bathroom on a ad a familiar sound echoing within the porcelain. Yep, The Quiet Contemplator had a tummy bug. You really can't get a bigger sign than that other than the damn same-day surgery wing of the children's hospital burning own.

Worried that the tummy bug would take its usual course through our family and knock us down one by one like a row of vominous dominoes, I called and canceled the surgery. Because who wants to be tossing their cookies when their throat has been sewn back together a few hours or days prior? Not I, said the fly.

Well, today The Cool Cucumber is tossing those cookies, over and over again. His sister was so sweet to share her esophageal parasites with him. Their close like that. If I had blown The Quiet Contemplator's spewing off as just an anomaly and went ahead with the surgery, The Cucumber would be busting open fresh stitches with an incredibly high risk of hemorrhaging (one of the biggest risks of adenoid removal). Excellent.

Crayons aren't the only thing they like to share...

Now was this tummy bug a sign, or just a coincidence? I may never know, but I know I sure as hell have had enough bad vibes about the adenoid removal that I won't be going forward with it unless it is 100% necessary. As I said last time, I don't believe that adenoid removal is a bad thing AT ALL. The Cool Cucumber just has problems coming out of anesthesia and I believe is at an increased risk of bleeding after. Plus, when your mommy instincts kick up as much as mine do when adenoid removal gets brought up, you listen.


If you share this post, I will buy you a pony. I suck at Twitter. I am OK at Facebook. Pinterest is my bitch. I am also on Bloglovin' and Instagram.

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Why I Burned My House Down

We just got back from a family camping trip, and by camping, I mean we stayed in a cabin with air conditioning, a bathroom and a refrigerator stocked with cheese, chocolate and wine. I like to rough it when I get in tune with nature. I'm a baller like that.

Anyway, I was just sorting through all of the wet towels and shorts my son had crapped through when a friendly little stowaway crawled out of our dirty laundry: a spider. Um, hell-to-the-no, mother fucker. Your ass ain't got to go home but it sho nuff ain't staying here.

Actor portrayal of actual events.

As the spider leisurely crawled out of a pile of our dirty drawers, my daughter saw it and said, "Mama! Remember that book Be Nice to Spiders? We should save him!"

Me: You're right. I will pick him up and take him outside.

The Quiet Contemplator: OK!

(Insert TQC's instant loss of interest and her leaving the room. Then insert me crushing the spider to death with a shoe and sending him to heaven, because I am surely not letting some immigrant spider hole up in my casa while I sleep.)

RIP, spider. I hated you well for the short time I knew you.

Warning: a spider was harmed in the making of this post. Why? Because fuck spiders, that's why.


If you share this post, I will buy you a pony. I suck at Twitter. I am OK at Facebook. Pinterest is my bitch. I am also on Bloglovin' and Instagram.

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

The Confessional

For the confessional, all the ways Abby was a shitty mom yesterday:

My daughter's daycare said she needed diapers. I remembered to throw them in the car, but they did not make it from my car to her room. When I picked her up, she was wearing a random diaper that was the wrong size (she is a size 4 despite being almost 3. All the kids in her class that still wear diapers are size 5. So I have the double punch of her not being potty trained at almost 3 and being underweight).

I had to work late last night. She was at daycare from 6:30 am to 5:45 pm. So much for 8-year-old me swearing up and down to my mother that I would never let my kids stay in daycare all day like I was stuck doing.

I used ice cream to bribe her into eating more of her eggs and cauliflower (scrambled eggs and those microwave bagged steamed veggies being the extent of my culinary skills). Then I dropped the amount she had to eat to get her ice cream. Yes, I negotiated with a 2-year-old. And she got the better of the exchange.

When I gave her a drumstick (the ice cream kind) she complained about the nuts. I picked them off by hand, forgetting to wash my hands first after putting dirty dishes away first.

I left her up in the living room to watch Dora while I cleaned the kitchen.

When her dad came home at 7 from work, I left her and locked myself in my room to do some work I brought home.

I'm off the pill and we are actively trying for another. After a day like yesterday I really wonder what kind of even shittier mom I would be with two kids.

Thanks for letting me get that off my chest.
 
 
ILBAB says: First off, girl, did you really email me from a Hotmail address? I thought those things had went the way of the dinosaurs.

Second off, that sounds like a winning parenting day to me. I ALWAYS forget the damn diapers at daycare. ALWAYS. And it isn't like you left her chained to a radiator all day. PLUS you got her to eat protein, vegetables AND dairy. Then you got the house cleaned, helped her brush up on her Spanish and gave her some daddy-daughter bonding time. I suggest you have at least five more for the betterment of society. You rock this parenting thing. Keep up the good work, mama.


The Confessional is now open. Have something you need to repent for? Feel free to send me your sin and I will help your purge your demons.   

If you share this post, I will buy you a pony. I suck at Twitter. I am OK at Facebook. Pinterest is my bitch. I am also on Bloglovin' and Instagram.

Monday, June 23, 2014

Because nothing is cuter than a pooping baby

Happy Monday, Boozehounds. Enjoy this clip of my friend's baby dropping a deuce. Pooping babies make me giggle.

video

If you share this post, I will buy you a pony. I suck at Twitter. I am OK at Facebook. Pinterest is my bitch. I am also on Bloglovin' and Instagram.

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Tips for New Fathers


If you share this post, I will buy you a pony. I suck at Twitter. I am OK at Facebook. Pinterest is my bitch. I am also on Bloglovin' and Instagram.

Saturday, June 7, 2014

Frozen meets What Does the Fox Say

We found this video and then my daughter's head exploded. You're welcome. And I am sorry.



If you share this post, I will buy you a pony. I suck at Twitter. I am OK at Facebook. Pinterest is my bitch. I am also on Bloglovin' and Instagram.
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