Friday, October 17, 2014

Marital Sex Negotiators FTW

Because, well...yes. Just so much yes. You're welcome.

If you share this post, I will buy you a pony. I suck at Twitter. I am OK at Facebook. Pinterest is my bitch. I am also on Bloglovin' and Instagram.

Thursday, October 16, 2014

If I turn up dead, you'll know where to look...

You guys, I did it. I know this story is going to become an urban legend, but I swear to God it is true. It happened to me. Not a friend of my friend’s cousin’s brother’s ex-girlfriend. Me. 

You probably won't believe me but I promise it is the truth. So, here it is: I went to Target and only bought the things on my list—AND spent under $100. I know this sounds crazy but it is real.

I know I am putting my life on the line admitting something like this. There will be people looking for me to erase the truth. But I am willing to sacrifice myself to help others. You really don't have to go through the dollar aisle. Or browse the kids’ clothes. Or peruse the clearance end caps. It is all just part of the man's master plan. Don't fall for it.

Needless to say, I am really scared right now. I plan to go into hiding until things calm down a bit. If for some reason I go missing without a trace, you will know where to look. Follow the red bull's-eye to my killer.

Until we meet again, stay strong and put down that damn Red Card! 


The Beer Bitch

If you share this post, I will buy you a pony. I suck at Twitter. I am OK at Facebook. Pinterest is my bitch. I am also on Bloglovin' and Instagram.

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Because someday you might need someone to help you bury a body.

I’ve written about friendship before. About how to be a good friend. 

One of the main ways I stay in touch with my friends nowadays is by having movie night. Every Wednesday night. At my house. Crazy, I know, but it is so easy to fall out of touch with the people that you care about, yet so easy to stay in touch with them if you just try a little.

So every Wednesday, my closest group of friends come over and we all make a meal together, share a few drinks and watch a movie. Usually we stream something horrible on Netflix, like Sharknado, Cockneys vs Zombies or Strippers vs werewolves (seriously, those last two movies exist and are freaking hilarious). But no matter what is on the TV or our plates, we all get to spend some quality time hanging out. 

As parents, we rarely find time to do things like this for ourselves. We are so focused on our children’s lives and friends, that we rarely take a minute to care about our own.

One night, instead of watching a movie, we all worked together to build a fort. And then we got drunk in that fort. And, god damn it, THAT was awesome. Because our kids don’t have to be awake for us to have fun. 

The Fort

I have even played Play-Doh with my friends before. Granted, there were a lot of dicks molded out of my kids’ clay, but they were colorful and AWESOME dicks.

Sorry, kids...

So gather your friends. Make time for them. Watch a game, make some dicks or play some Cards Against Humanity (LOVE that game and Rush Limbaugh's soft, shitty body). Just be sure to stop being the perfect parent and have fun with your adult friends every once in a while. I promise it won’t hurt.

If you share this post, I will buy you a pony. I suck at Twitter. I am OK at Facebook. Pinterest is my bitch. I am also on Bloglovin' and Instagram.

Thursday, October 2, 2014

Raising independent children isn’t child abuse.

Lately, I have noticed a startling trend: children who are wholly dependent upon others to meet their own needs. Not babies, mind you, but preschoolers and even adult children. In our efforts to become the perfect mothers in our Pinterest-centric generation, we have started coddling the crap out of our kids. Not just providing our kids with what they need to survive and thrive, but providing them with every single thing they could possibly imagine, from iPads to tantrum-induced food choices. Our kids are losing the ability to think and do for themselves.

This child-centric way of living is a far cry from the parent-centric world that most of us grew up in. We listen to Yo Gabba Gabba in the car, watch Caillou on the TV, make dinners around what our children will eat, schedule our every waking moment around our children. This is insanity. Just think what your dad would have said growing up if you had demanded all of this. My dad would have laughed his ass off and told me to get my over-privileged butt outside and rake the leaves.

But we are often left feeling like if we don’t do everything we can to make our kids as happy as possible, we are a shitty parent. The opposite is true. When we coddle and handhold our children through every step of life, we are setting them up for failure. Our children need to grow up with a realistic view of the world. Everything will not always be handed to them. Everything will not always go their way. Some day, they will need to fight for what they want. And we need to give them the strength and confidence to be able to do that.

People often act like I am abusing my children when I make them clean up after themselves or keep trying something that is hard and frustrating. Or they will say, “Well, it’s just easier and takes less time if I just do it for them.” Sure it is, but you won’t be there to do it for them forever. Or at least I sure as hell hope I’m not! Children need to learn to do for themselves. To explore. To learn. To grow. And now is as good a time as any to start giving your child the power to change things. Even if it is something as simple as putting an empty wrapper in the trash.

What we need is balance. To raise children who know that we will be there for them whenever they fall, but that it is OK to try and fly. We need to give our children the opportunity to make decisions and do things on their own. Because right now we are raising a generation of children who won’t even be able to tie their own shoes when they go to their first job interview.

But we are awesome parents. And we can change that. We can empower our children. We can give them the chance to fall. But also the chance to dust themselves off and keep going. 

If you share this post, I will buy you a pony. I suck at Twitter. I am OK at Facebook. Pinterest is my bitch. I am also on Bloglovin' and Instagram.

Thursday, September 25, 2014


I have noticed a growing trend lately. In a world filled with narcissistic selfies that promote perfection, those of us that are less-than-perfect are becoming invisible. That sucks. 

Just because we don’t work out 24-7, sport the latest trends and can’t afford $30 mascara, doesn’t mean we don’t exist. We can take pictures outside of the gym or the salon. We can snap a selfie when we don’t have any makeup on. And it doesn’t have to make us sport a goofy face.

Because our kids are going to want to look back and see that we were there with them. That we were young once. That we were present. And we are going to want to look back and know that we were part of our own lives. 

So I propose a challenge. Take a picture of yourself. No makeup. No goofy faces. No filter. Just you. Smiling. Post it to InstagramTwitter or Facebook. Tag me and add the hashtag #startseeingyourselfie. 

Then search the tag and compliment someone else who has been brave enough to take the challenge. Tell them they have beautiful eyes, great hair, healthy skin or dimples that make you smile. Tell them something positive. Help them see the beauty in themselves. I will add the pictures to a future post to show people how beautiful my readers are, inside and out. 

This isn’t a contest. I won’t crown someone the “most beautiful”. Because we are all beautiful. We are all winners. We just might need a little help from others to see it for ourselves. 

If you share this post, I will buy you a pony. I suck at Twitter. I am OK at Facebook. Pinterest is my bitch. I am also on Bloglovin' and Instagram.

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

29 Things Only a New Mother Would Understand

Ah, new motherhood. Now that the hard part is over, the really difficult part begins. Even though being a new mom is one of life’s greatest challenges, it’s also one of the most rewarding. Read on for a few things that only a new mother can understand.

1. The complete joy of a warm sitz bath.

2. Being so afraid to poop that you avoid the bathroom at all costs.

3. Having incredible boobs … that hurt so badly you’ll kill anyone who so much as brushes up against them.

4. That taking a shower is a luxury, not a necessity.

5. The isolation of being alone with a tiny, helpless human. All. Day. LONG.

6. Celebrating your new eau de parfum: slightly spoiled milk, cabbage, and A+D ointment.

7. The fear that every other mother in the world is doing a better job than you.

8. What a dairy cow feels like.

9. Loving your other half for giving you such an amazing gift.

10. Hating your other half for the way they eat/sleep/breathe.

11. What it feels like to have no shame about whipping out a boob in public.

12. Crying. All the time. For no reason.

13. The feeling of victory that fitting into your pre-pregnancy clothes awards you (no matter how much muffin is left on top).

14. Using the baby as a legitimate excuse to get out of absolutely anything.

15. Wearing granny panties that are made out of mesh and come up to your eyeballs.

16. Why you can no longer do jumping jacks. Ever again.

17. Watching a horror movie and sympathizing with the zombies.

18. Going so crazy with fatigue you find yourself mindlessly rocking a jug of milk to sleep at the grocery store.

19. That “mother’s intuition” is real. And it is powerful.

20. The pure joy that is a first glass of wine after nine LONG months of sobriety.

21. The joy/embarrassment that are Preparation H pads.

22. Being so in tune with someone that your body actually produces food for them on demand.

23. That whoever came up with the cutesy term “baby blues” had never actually suffered from postpartum depression.

24. Accidental shoplifting.

25. Leaking through your shirt during an important presentation at work.

26. Waking up in a cold sweat, convinced you rolled over on the baby — only to find them sleeping soundly in their crib.

27. That “sleep when the baby sleeps” is the stupidest phrase anyone has ever uttered.

28. Being proud of the fact that your stomach looks like it was attacked by a tiger.

29. The amazing feeling of being the one who created this unique human being.


This post was written by me and originally appeared on Healthline.

If you share this post, I will buy you a pony. I suck at Twitter. I am OK at Facebook. Pinterest is my bitch. I am also on Bloglovin' and Instagram.

Thursday, September 11, 2014

Sometimes they surprise you

Children are funny little creatures. Just when you think you have them all figured out, they surprise you. Whenever you are sure they will go left, they zig right. If you know without a doubt they will pick white, they choose black. 

It is these changes of pace that keep us parents on our toes. They sometimes show us that our babies have blossomed beyond what we thought they were capable, while at other times they remind us that our children still need a little patience in a task we thought they had mastered.

This happened to me a few weeks ago when we transitioned our kids from the school they have both been going to for the last few years, to a new school that is a feeder into the kindergarten they will attend. 

I thought the The Quiet Contemplator would throw open the metaphorical saloon doors of this new opportunity and make it her bitch, while The Cool Cucumber approached it with trepidation. Boy, was I wrong on both parts. What I didn’t take into account with this new phase in theirs lives was the way my children learn and absorb things. While I knew they would both thrive in this new and exciting environment, I thought that they would both approach the change differently thank they did.

You see, my daughter likes rules and things being “right” and instructions. This new school is more about investigation and children being part of the creative process. So the first few weeks were very hard on her. She missed being told what to do and how to do it. She didn’t yet know how to come up with her own hypothesis or original ideas. When you gave her a table full of loose materials and told her to “explore”, she felt lost. She wanted you to tell her what the end product was supposed to be so she could please you by making it. 

I spent every night of the first two weeks holding her as she cried for her old friends and old school and telling her it would get better. It would get easier. That eventually she would love this new place. But I was not sure. I spent event second of those two weeks doubting my choices that had gotten us here. Would it get better? Would it get easier? Would she eventually love this new place? I wasn’t so sure anymore. 

We needed a good hard look in the mirror.

Then, the other morning, it just clicked. I came out of the shower and she showed me that she had conducted an experiment. She wanted to see what would happen when she let the marker sit on a tissue (what happened was that the purple marker bled through the tissue and all over my new butcher block countertops, but that ain’t the tale I am telling’ right now, yo). She was so proud! She wanted to take it to school and show her teachers and her new friends. It was the validation that I needed that I had made the right choice for her. That I didn’t break her, but that I helped her learn to fly. Thank you 8 pound, 6 ounce newborn infant Jesus because I was really starting to wonder about my parenting decisions!

On the other side of the coin, I thought that The Cool Cucumber would struggle with the change. I thought that breaking him out of his finely tuned routine would freak him the flock out. Instead, he embraced the new school like he had always been there. He loved not having to be put into a creative box. He thrived in the new environment that let him explore and make up his own mind. From day one, he basically walked in, looked back at me and said, “Hey, ma. Don’t let the door hit ya where the good lord split ya.” I was shocked. It was incredible to witness and has been so amazing for him. It has cast a new light on him for me. Brought out glints of things that I did not know were inside of him. It has been wonderful.

Change is good.

So though we think we may know how our kids will act in certain situations, they often surprise us. Sometimes for good, and sometimes for bad. But they always keep us thinking. Moving. Changing. Evolving. Without them to wake us up out of our cruise control lives, we sometimes wouldn’t notice that there is more than one way to react. Think. Be. 

For this, I am thankful.

If you share this post, I will buy you a pony. I suck at Twitter. I am OK at Facebook. Pinterest is my bitch. I am also on Bloglovin' and Instagram.

Thursday, September 4, 2014

In case you needed a good cry today

I just watched this video of a 7-week-old hearing for the first time and had to share. If you don't cry the second time his mom says, "He's smiling" and hear her voice break with happiness, you need to get yoself a defibrillator, stat. Truly amazing.


If you share this post, I will buy you a pony. I suck at Twitter. I am OK at Facebook. Pinterest is my bitch. I am also on Bloglovin' and Instagram.
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