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Monday, March 2, 2015

The time I lost my daughter. AT FROZEN ON ICE!


SOOOO I lost my daughter yesterday. AT FROZEN ON ICE! Needless to say, I aged about 20 years in the amount of time it took me to find her. But let's start from the beginning, shall we?

For Christmas, my wonderful brother-in-law (BIL) bought the kids tickets to Disney's Frozen on Ice. Because what better things does a fit, good looking, 20-something gay man have better to do on a Sunday than take two kids to a crowded arena and watch ice dancing for two hours? Needless to say, he is a saint. Because I figured handling all of this on my own would make me want to punch a kitten, let alone someone who wasn't legally responsible for my kids', I told my BIL I would tag along and help out. So, of course, it is ME who loses one of them...

It all started out well. Both kids were freaking LOVIN' it. My son literally sat in silence, mouth agape, for the first hour of the show. I think his tiny baby mind might have short circuited when Buzz and Woody came out (that's what she said).

Then the show announced intermission. My daughter said she was hungry and had to potty so I took her while my BIL stayed with the boy. Again, my BIL is a saint.

Once we exited the arena to the complete and utter shitshow that is intermission at Frozen on Ice, we waited in the longest line ever for the bathroom. It moved quickly though, and then the clouds parted and the sounds of angels filled the restroom when the first stall to open when it was our turn was the big stall. BOOYAH! I literally said, "Sweet, we scored the big potty!" The lady exiting with her daughter said, "Heck yeah. Score!" We must share a spirit animal or something. I was even happier when we were exiting and the people to gain access to the VIP potty after us were a grandma and her two grandkids. You enjoy that extra elbow room with your bad self, grannie!

After the bathroom, we headed to the concession stand. Right as the words, "And they have pretzels" came out of my mouth, the lady at the counter yelled, "We are all out of pretzels" to the crowd. Douche. After some tough negotiations due to the stand's lack of popcorn or pretzels, my daughter and I settled on nachos for the her and chicken strips and fries for the boy. I threw in two $5 waters just because we hydrate like ballers in out family, yo.

After I forked over half of the kids' college funds, the lady put all of our goods on the counter, followed by the news that they can't let us have the lids to our water bottles. Um, what? So the concession stand lady gives me a plate of nachos with a side of cheese that is precariously close to overflowing and spilling everywhere, a basket of chicken fingers and fries, two water bottles with no lids, and two cups for water. I look down at my daughter who REALLY wants to hold the nachos but I know this will end with someone bumping into her and her spilling them. I realize that I am going to have to carry everything. So I manage to get everything in my arms with my daughter in tow so we can go get ketchup and napkins across the way. Because hell hath no fury like my son with no ketchup.

I tell my daughter to follow me and she tags along. I sit the stuff down, add two squirts of ketchup, grab some napkins, pick all the stuff back up and turn around to tell my daughter to follow me.

But she is not there.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

I frantically search the crowd for the only girl not wearing teal (thank you fucking Jesus she decided to go with the pink princess dress!).

Nothing.

I circle around the area.

Nothing.

At this point I am freaking the fuck out.

I have absolutely no idea of what to do.

Where do I even begin?

I am scared to death someone has taken her or that she is just lost and really scared.

I keep scanning the crowd in the little area we were in but she is not there.

Maybe 30 seconds pass and she emerges from the hallway where you walk into the venue.

My heart starts to beat again.

She went straight when I went right for the ketchup. She was maybe out of my sight for a minute but it seemed like years. I completely panicked. I lost it.

After we regrouped, we went back in and she enjoyed the rest of the show while I tried to remember how to breathe again.

Needless to say, I need to develop a protocol with my kids of what to do when one of them gets lost.

Oh yeah, and never EVER go to Frozen on Ice again!

Fuck.


If you share this post, I will buy you a pony. I suck at Twitter. I am OK at Facebook. Pinterest is my bitch. I am also on Bloglovin' and Instagram.

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

21 things you should never say to a pregnant woman

Things you should never say to a pregnant woman.

Wow, you’re so small.
I know you mean that in a complimentary way, but all I hear is, “Wow, are you sure your baby is OK?” Which leads me to freak out about the size of my baby and start Googling whether or not my baby is OK, which never ends well. 

Wow, you’re so big.
I don’t care if I blow up like the god damned Goodyear balloon. Keep it to yourself. I am pregnant. Being pregnant tends to make a girl gain a little bit of weight. Yes, I look like I swallowed a beach ball, but zip it, Lippy, before I punch you in the gizzard. 

Was it a surprise?
Well, no. By my age, I hope I am smart enough to have figured out the whole birth control thing. Plus, I really don’t want to divulge to you whether this was premeditated or the accidental result of a quickie in the backseat of my boyfriend’s Mustang.

Can I touch your belly?
No. But since you asked and didn’t just go for it, I will let you live. You’re welcome.

Are you hoping for a boy or a girl?
I am hoping for a baby. That is my only really pony in this pregnancy race. Oh, and maybe a pony. I am hoping for a pony too.

You know, it’s really actually 10 months.
You know, it’s really annoying when people point that out.

Well, when I was pregnant…
Lemme just stop you there, sister. I am going through this like I am the only person who has even been pregnant in the history of the earth. So I don’t want to hear about your negligible weight gain or horrendous hemorrhoids. Thanks for the info though.

Have you picked out a name yet?
Yes, but I don’t want to know if you dated someone with the same name in high school and they broke your heart or whatever so let’s just go with “no”. 

You really shouldn’t eat/drink/do that when you’re pregnant.
You really shouldn’t give a pregnant woman advice. I could sit on you and smother you to death. 

Well, elephant are pregnant for 22 months so you don’t have it so bad.
*Blank stare followed by me walking away*

Are you sure it isn’t twins?
Well, when that leprechaun under the bridge held a rock over my belly and told me there was only one, I believed him. But apparently you have some sort of 6th sense about these things so I will have him check again.

By the way you are showing, I bet you’re having…
A puppy. How did you guess!

Do you plan on breastfeeding?
Thank for asking, but I really don’t want to discuss the future state of my nipples with you, weird lady from accounting.

Are you going to quit your job when the baby comes?
Thank you for setting women back a century by asking that. Now please excuse me while I fetch my master his slippers.

Sleep now because you will never sleep again.
This person is dead now. Because I killed them.

Enjoy your life while you still can.
I know, right? Because this ball and chain in my belly is about to make an appearance and ruin EVERYTHING. I really wish I would have thought this through more before pulling the goalie.

Are you going to have a natural birth?
No. I plan on being higher than Willie Nelson when I am bearing down. God put someone on this planet smart enough to invent the epidural and I am surely going to take advantage of that invention while I try to push a watermelon out of something the size of a lemon.

I thought you didn’t want kids!
Yes, based on that conservation we had 10 years ago at a frat party while wasted on red headed sluts, that is totally true. I am such a liar.

Good luck. My labor was terrible.
Thanks for that. Because it’s not like I am going to have to go through it anytime soon or anything. Or that I constantly wake up in a cold sweat in the middle of the night fearing that I am going to poop on the table.

Aren’t you a little young/old to have a baby?
*insert sounds of crickets here*

You’re still pregnant?
People seriously asked me this. Repeatedly. Usually when someone would ask me if I was still pregnant when I looked like a human weeble wobble, it resulted in me having a crazed look that was so intense that all the asker did was slowly back away while maintaining eye contact. Smart move.


This post was written by me and originally appeared on Healthline.

If you share this post, I will buy you a pony. I suck at Twitter. I am OK at Facebook. Pinterest is my bitch. I am also on Bloglovin' and Instagram.

Thursday, February 19, 2015

How to parent when you have the plague

I am sick. Like, really sick. What I thought was a cold was actually a delightful preview of the main feature: an ear and throat infection. And that's the GOOD news. The bad news is that whatever plague I have is viral, so there is not a damn thing I can do about it besides act like an absolute sloth. I have spent the bulk of my week sleeping in between binging on Friends and Chopped on Netflix.

Oh yeah, but I still have KIDS to take care of. Thankfully, they have spent the bulk of their time at school and my husband has been a saint about helping, but it still sucks. Mainly because I MISS them. Time spent trying not to pass out while you prepare them dinner does not quality time make.

Since it seems like err'-damn-body and their mother is sick right now, I thought I would share a few helpful hints to help you if the plague hits your abode. Enjoy!



If you share this post, I will buy you a pony. I suck at Twitter. I am OK at Facebook. Pinterest is my bitch. I am also on Bloglovin' and Instagram.

Thursday, February 5, 2015

How to throw a great girls night.


I am an incredibly lucky person. I have a great group of girlfriends to call my own. We get together often and are able to be our idiot selves in front of each other.

We hadn't done a girls night in a while, so I decided to invite my best biotches over for ladies night.

We started with arts and crafts.
Where we created dicks on sticks. 
Then we played dirty pictionary. Download cards for free here.
Pearl necklace FTW.
Then we used our dicks on sticks for a good old game of I Never.
We had a Twister intermission.
Then we watched Tucker and Dale vs. Evil. It was freaking hilarious.


All in all, it was an incredibly successful night where we all got to let our hair down a bit and be a little raunchy. I highly recommend a girls night soon. It is good for your soul.


If you share this post, I will buy you a pony. I suck at Twitter. I am OK at Facebook. Pinterest is my bitch. I am also on Bloglovin' and Instagram.

Wednesday, February 4, 2015

10 pregnancy myths...busted.


Myth #1:  You should eat for two.
Please. Don’t. Picture how it plays out if you do: A baby needs about 100 cal/day first trimester, 200/day in the second, and 300/day in the third. That’s 1, 2, and 3 tablespoons of peanut butter per day, respectively. Say a person needs 2,000 calories per day and you ate for 1.5, that’d be an excess of 1,000 calories per day. Just that much alone and you could gain 50 to 60 or more pounds more than you really need to. If you eat for two after you deliver your sweet parasite baby, your nutrient giving placenta and all that amniotic fluid, you’ll eventually be about 10 to 15 lighter lighter, but everything else will be yours to have and to hold. And it will be freaking hard to lose because you now have a baby taking up your time. Don’t eat for two. Calculate your BMI. If normal, gain 25 to 35 pounds, if overweight, 15 to 25 pounds, if obese, 11 to 20 pounds.

Myth # 2:  Sex and sex toys will harm your baby.
If you feel like sex, go for it. You can’t harm that baby. It can’t be poked or vibrated in a way that’s ever problematic. No offense to any erections out there, but they can’t hold a candle to the uterus and it’s rad suspension system. Seriously, the uterus and amniotic fluid give cushion to your baby akin to the posh suspension of a trophy truck.

Myth #3 (on a related note): Pregnancy makes everyone’s libido ravenous and sex absolutely amazing.
While this may apply to a lucky, small contingent, for many women, it’s hit or miss and filled with lots of goofiness and absurdity. Even when in the mood, your belly can make positions that once were favorites, not so hot. Your breasts may be voluptuous in size, but totally off limits for touching because of unpleasant sensitivity or leaking colostrum. Orgasm may arrive more easily or may take forever, leaving you snoring when your non-pregnant self would be in it to win it.

Myth #4: Straining when constipated will cause labor or push the baby out.
No. Labor is complex, but not caused by straining. Now, if you are in labor and you happen to feel like you have to push to have a bowel movement, that could be a sign that it’s time to push your baby out and in that case, yes, pushing can bring on a baby. But in all other situations, pushing won’t cause your baby to eject. Pregnancy and the iron in prenatal vitamins plot together to constipate young women in the most terrible ways. Prevent this by taking a stool softener (like Colace 100mg 3x/day), eating fiber, fruits, oatmeal, raisins, whole grains, bran, vegetables, prunes, beans, nuts and staying hydrated. Investigate your prenatal vitamin label and get one with a really low amount of iron.  Note: if you have a history of cervical insufficiency, this does not apply to you.

Myth # 5: Induced labor ALWAYS hurts more than spontaneous labor.
The reason this is a myth is because everyone’s labor experience is unique as they are. While it’s a common mantra to read that all induced labors are horrendous because they’re overly intense, contrived and aggressive, the truth is this: every individual’s experience is unpredictable and uniquely theirs. What is true for one woman is not necessarily true for another, and this is so applicable when it comes to labor. From my point of view, labor hurts. That’s it. Whether it’s spontaneous or induced, it’s painful. Yes, some inductions hurt tons more than spontaneous labor, BUT, some hurt the same or are easier. And there’s really no way to know how it will be for you until you are there.

Myth #6: You can’t lift over 25 pounds.
Dr. Phil, with all due respect, please remove this statement off your website. Professional athletes get pregnant and sure as hell continue weight lifting with over 25 pounds. You can continue and add to what exercise you’ve done pre-pregnancy, with a little bit of common sense: don’t over heat, use proper body mechanics, stay hydrated, don’t push yourself to the point of passing out, only lift what feels comfortable, avoid scuba diving and make sure you don’t do anything that puts you at risk for abdominal trauma. If you choose to maintain a high intensity exercise regimen, tell your doctor so they can monitor your baby a little bit extra.

Myth #7: You can cause labor with eggplant parmesan, pineapple, castor oil, spicy foods, house work, walking or sex.
If labor occurs after any of these, it’s coincidence. Even the most common idea that sex starts labor doesn’t have robust data to support it. Yes, orgasm can cause uterine contractions and semen contains a high concentration of prostaglandins (hormones that rise in labor and that are used to stimulate labor), but in most people, these are not sufficient to start labor if labor wasn’t already looming. Now, in contrast, getting your membranes swept/stripped and nipple stimulation CAN cause labor.

Myth #8: You cannot sleep on your back.
This myth comes from the two facts. First, about 10% of women will experience low blood pressure, nausea and feel like they are going to pass out when they lie flat in pregnancy. It happens because the uterus can compress the biggest blood vessel that brings blood back to our heart, the vena cava. If this is you, you know it and you naturally avoid this position. Second, in labor, sometimes a baby’s heart beat drops in such a way that repositioning a mom on her left or right side improves it. Inappropriate generalization from these make us think if we’ll harm our baby if we lay on our back. No study has definitively linked back sleepers to any bad outcomes. If you are in the 90%, you can sleep however you are comfortable without freaking out when you wake up on your back. (PS: only recently did one study suggest that for profoundly growth restricted babies there may be a benefit to sleeping on one’s side (again if this is you, you’ll know it because your doctor will tell you about it).

Myth #9: If you raise your hands above your head to do things like brush or shampoo your hair, or reach for the top shelf, the umbilical cord will choke your baby.
Gahhhh! No. No, no, no! About 15% of all babies are born with the umbilical cord wrapped around their neck or some part of their body. Usually, it’s loosely draped over their shoulders like a scarf or all wrapped around a leg. Think of the cord as their first mobile. They float around with it and probably bat at it and squeeze it. A nuchal cord (when it’s wrapped around their neck) rarely causes a problem. Most importantly, there is no way to prevent it even if you abstain from brushing your hair all pregnancy.

Myth #10: A high/low heart rate, if you carry the baby high or low, if you show from the back, the gender of your previous child, how a ring on a string swings over your belly and how much nausea you have can give you clues to the baby’s gender.
No. Just no. Like the falsehood of heartburn hinting at a hairy baby, none of these mean anything.


This awesome post was written by Kristi Angevine, MD, FACOG. Kristi is an Ob/Gyn and mom who bikes, blogs and is in private practice in Chattanooga, TN. It’s her mission to make sure her patients go through their pregnancy with as much ease as possible. You can learn more about Kristi her upcoming Straight-Up Pregnancy Primer here.

Tuesday, February 3, 2015

Advice Under the Influence: How to Throw a Toddler Party


I have thrown a lot of kids' parties. A LOT. Thankfully, my nuggets came less than two years and one month apart, so I get to combine their birthday parties. This way, instead of wanting to punch myself in the face twice a year, I get to want to punch myself in the face once a year, just much, much harder. I may only have to clean up once, but there are twice the kids and twice the annoying parents.

But I have gotten pretty good at navigating the piranha-filled waters that are throwing a party for toddlers. Watch below for a little learning on how to make your kid parties less binge drinking-inducing.


If you share this post, I will buy you a pony. I suck at Twitter. I am OK at Facebook. Pinterest is my bitch. I am also on Bloglovin' and Instagram.

Thursday, January 29, 2015

Baby Naming: The good, the bad and the Beyonce.


Picking a name for your baby is one of the hardest and biggest decisions you will probably ever make. Unless you have a boy in a family full of Jrs, IIs and IIIs, you are going to have to dip your toe into the pool of THOUSANDS of possible baby names out there. Let alone the made up names. My husband teaches in an urban school so he sees some doozies. Like Asthma, Asija (pronounced Asia), Rhavyn, Sin'Cere, Jazzmyn, Cesarion and Sexalene.

I named my kids Josephine and Harvey with their future in mind. I wanted them to have names that made it possible to succeed if they ever decide to make it big in the world. Because, let's face it, there probably is never going to be a president named Prince or Princess. Or, Christ on a bike, that poor kid whose parents named her Hashtag. Seriously. Can you see it: "All rise for a special announcement from President Hashtag Jameson." Not going to happen.

But for those of you who don't want to raise a kid doomed to mediocrity thanks to the moniker you bestow on them, there is Baby Name Genius. It's an app that helps you narrow down names you like, kind of like Pandora helps develop stations you like. You give names it suggest the thumbs up or down, and the more you tell it what you like, the smarter it gets. You can also save a whittled down list of favorite once you find some so you and the hubby can get into a fight about whether or not Lewis sounds like he will grow up to be an asshole. The best part> It's FREE! You can learn more about the app and all its cool features here.

I wish this app was around when I was round. I could have used an easier tool to peruse names while I was stuffing my face with Candy Cane Joe Joes in bed...


If you share this post, I will buy you a pony. I suck at Twitter. I am OK at Facebook. Pinterest is my bitch. I am also on Bloglovin' and Instagram.

This post was sponsored by Baby Name Genius but you Boozehounds know I would NEVAH EVAH subject you to anything I didn't think was amazeballs on my own. I promise if I ever procreated again (no chance in hell), I would use this app to help find my next baby's name (If we didn't have another girl and name her Adele Louise). For realzies. 

Wednesday, January 28, 2015

A Case of the Mondays...Every Day

For the past few months I have been exhausted. Like, super exhausted. But I have a family, and a job, and a blog, so, you know...life.

I have also been a bit on the cold side, but so is everyone else in the midwest because, you know...winter.

Oh, and I have felt like a cro-magnon moron who can barely put a thought together, but, you know...what was I saying again?

Then, around Christmas, I started getting dizzy a lot. If I stood up too fast I would damn near pass out. But, you know...well, that one was a bit harder to write off.

I thought maybe I just needed to adjust my meds for my hypothyroidism but my tests had been coming back fine so that most likely wasn't the answer.

Since, like most things when you have a thyroid issues, most doctors will tell you it is all in your head, I basically gave up.

But after a little time with Dr. Google, I found a possible solution: I was low on iron. Um...duh. Symptoms of being low on iron? Tired, constantly cold, trouble concentrating, dizzy spells... 

Also, apparently a lot of people with thyroid issues are also low on iron (and depressed and have random white eyebrows and, well, it is one hell of a sexy condition, let me tell you).

So I went back to Dr. Google, looked up some stuff and learned the best route to go: liquid iron, which is more easily used by the body than iron in pill form. I was also worried about the fact that iron can constipate you because HELL NO will I ever go through that again so I wanted one that wouldn't clog up the pipes. 

In all my research, I found Flordix Iron and Herbs (Ha, they said dix). I also found that it is great for adding iron during pregnancy so all you fertile myrtels that be low on iron, take head, man (<-- see what I did there?).

So how am I feeling now? BETTER. I haven't had a dizzy spell since I started it, have been able to stay up past 8 p.m., can actually concentrate and THINK again, and still poo on the reg. The only downside? The stuff tastes like butt, BUT if you mix it with some OJ it is totally fine (it kind of tastes like funky apple juice on its own and I HATE apple juice).

Anyhoodle, I figured some of you all might be in the same sinking ship boat and could use the info, yo. Word to your Fe, B (<-- see what I did there?).

If you share this post, I will buy you a pony. I suck at Twitter. I am OK at Facebook. Pinterest is my bitch. I am also on Bloglovin' and Instagram.


This post was sponsored by Flora Inc. but you Boozehounds know I would NEVAH EVAH subject you to anything I didn't think was amazeballs on my own. I promise I took their iron, felt better and still pooped. For realzies. 
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