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Tuesday, December 11, 2018

Sorry, not sorry.

As a new year prepares to emerge, I have been thinking about what I want 2019 to mean for me. 2018 was a mixed bag. From starting a new job that has become less work and more calling, to helping a friend escape domestic violence that almost ended her life, 2018 was like that bipolar friend you had in college: unpredictable and filled with the highest of highs and lowest of lows.

But I have learned so much. Mainly, that I care too much sometimes and that isn’t always healthy for me or the person I am helping. Because I am a “fixer” and there are so many things that are out of my control to “fix”. And those situations leave me feeling frustrated and powerless, and the other party feeling judged and resentful. I have learned to put my own health and mental well being first and to sometimes let other people deal with their own circus and their own monkeys.

I have also learned to foster the relationships in my life that are healthy and not one-sided. I have taken stock of my friendships and tried to evaluate which ones are there because they are true friendships and which ones are there due to habit or feelings of obligation. My inventory found that many of the relationships I hold on to are not healthy. Most of which have grown that way from years of neglect of the good and support of the bad. Some of these friendships are worth saving and fighting for, others that are not. All will require change on both sides in order to rebloom and flourish. But my friendship inventory also opened my eyes to so many people in my life that are positive, supportive and genuinely invested in our relationship. These were often the friendships that were easily overlooked. Because they weren’t necessarily flashy or fun-filled. They were even, steady and strong. So now instead of just watering those friendships every so often, I am fertilizing them and watching them grow even stronger. Just like me.

Another thing that has to change in 2019: I have been hiding my happiness for too damn long. I never sing from the rooftops when something good happens. I hide it, underplay it and act as if my wins don’t matter. Because I don’t want others to feel less than or jealous if they are not as lucky. But I am not lucky. I am simply reaping what I sowed. Because I work hard, help others, do good wherever I can and live a purposeful life. I am the little red-headed hen. I planted my wheat, tended to it, harvested it, and baked some delicious fucking bread with it. So why am I not allowed to enjoy my tasty ass bread when it is finished? In 2019, ima eat the shit out of that bread and not feel guilty if your bread isn’t done yet. I’ll share my bread when I want to with who I want to. But I won’t ever feel I owe anyone a slice. Get ya own damn bread, chickens.

So for 2019, I am updating my resume.

Subtractions:
Whipping girl, doormat and all around person you can use to take your shit out on whenever you feel like it with no rhyme, reason or apologies.

Additions:
Selective, but supportive friend.

Fun, fearless and unapologetic about her happiness.

Bring it, 2019.

So how about you? What changes are you going to make in 2019?


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3 comments:

  1. A new post! Woot!! And good for you. In 2019 I hope to get my shit together. My second is 8 months old and I feel like I'm just sort of starting to come up for a breath.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thank you for the blog!!!
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    ReplyDelete

I love hearing from you. It reinforces that writing this blog is not just a silly waste of my brain matter. If you leave a douche canoe comment, I will delete it. I am powerful like that.

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