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Thursday, March 29, 2012

Beer and Babies Family Update

So, we have learned this week, that we are sucky communicators about what is going on in our lives. To help fix the problem, I am going try to start a regular update on what is new in our household. Since this will likely last about as long as we are free from the flu, teething, summer break, etc., enjoy it while it lasts. :)

The Quiet Contemplator
Is the funniest and cutest kid this side of the Mississippi (Sorry Cucumber, but you still mainly throw up and poop your pants so she wins for now). She loves to sing and run and just all around act like she is full of sunshine. She loves her baby brother and has been an amazing big sister. Her favorite things are books and dogs. And books about dogs. And dogs that read books. She has to have surgery on her eye to correct her strabismus. It is not a horrible surgery and will most likely be much worse on us than her, but needless to stay, we are beyond worried. We have an appointment May 1 to see if her problem has stabilized. If it has, we will schedule the surgery in the coming months after that.

The Cool Cucumber
Cries. A lot. But he is cute, so we plan on keeping him. The smiles are starting to outnumber the cries so there is hope... He now goes to school with his big sister and has been a very popular guy with all of the kids there. The Contemplator does not like other kids touching him so she kindly removes their hands from him and yells, "No! My baby brother!" Little does she know that she will soon be willing to give him away for a piece of gum because he touches her toys.

ADD Daddy
Recently took a trip to Chicago to draft his fantasy baseball team. Yes, this is as important as it sounds.

I signed up to do Run For Your Lives in August. It is a 5k obstacle course where you are chased by zombies. I will be running in a hat that is an anatomical model of the human brain on which I will Sharpie, "Eat Me".

We are in the process of buying a house. The kids will now have their own rooms and an actual yard! We will miss our loft greatly, but four people in a house that is basically one big room with no doors is a little stressful. Especially since The Cucumber cries. A lot. Did I mention that? We are in the process of renting our loft, which is also very stressful. You try keeping the Cheerios out of the toilet long enough to show the loft to a potential renter. Not an easy task! And don't ask why there are Cheerios in our toilet. There just are. Always. I have no idea how they get there.

Well, that is all for now. Stay tuned for more updates in the future. Maybe...

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Three is the Magic Number

I have learned that with my toddler, three is the magic number. By this, I mean that in order to get her to do anything she doesn't want to or stop doing anything she does want to but isn't supposed to, I need to tell her three times, with increasing levels of intensity. It reminds me of my Mommy Tolerance Threshold. Whether it is asking her to pony up the cereal she found under the couch because it is time for dinner, or telling her to stop sticking the keys in the light socket, I can never get her to react on the first request.


1st try:
Me: Quiet Contemplator, it's time for bed. Let's put on your jammies. 
The Quiet Contemplator: Plays deaf and continues to build a robot out of Mega Bloks.

2nd try:
Me: Quiet Contemplator, I said it was time to put on your jammies so please come here. Now.
The Quiet Contemplator: Continues to play deaf and resumes her Bloks play, though she has now switched to building a doggie.

3rd try:
Me: QUIET CONTEMPLATOR! Put the fucking Bloks down and get your ass over here and in these jammies before I have an aneurysm! (I don't actually say this but MY GOD do I want to.)
What I really say is more like: QUIET CONTEMPLATOR. JAMMIES. NOW.
The Quiet Contemplator: Puts the Bloks down and slowly pads her way over to me like nothing happened.

Now, on the other hand, if I ask The Quiet Contemplator to do something she likes, like go to the park or eat a cupcake, she could hear that shit whispered from space.

These two qualities may have caused me to have a slight eye twitch and drinking problem.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

The Confessional

I was an accident. Ten years after my parent's last child of three was born, my mom started having weird stomach spasms. She had already started menopause, so when the Dr asked her when her last period was, she told him two years ago. It wasn't the stomach spasms. It was me was me kicking her. No wonder I am so stubborn. Menopause be damned!

The Confessional is now open. Have something you need to repent for? Feel free to send me your sin and I will help your purge your demons.

Sins from fellow Boozehounds

I chose to spend the night at my sister's house. The guest room (when the door is open) looks directly into my nephews' room. I opened my eyes this morning to see my 5 year old nephew standing bare ass naked bent over touching his toes and screaming at his brothers "DIARRHEA CANNON!!!!!" Instead of alerting my sister or being the responsible aunt - I laid on the bed and laughed my ass off. 

ILBAB says: Kids say the darndest things. I may have to steal diarrhea cannon.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Things That Made Maternity Leave Managable

Just thought I would give a list of the things that made babydom and maternity leave more manageable for me (besides anti-depressants and cases of wine, of course).

Aden and Anais Swaddle
Light enough to keep baby cool. Tight enough to keep baby cozy. I also used these to keep wind out of the pumpkin seat when traveling since they are breathable.

Summer Swaddle
When The Cool Cucumber was first born and a bit small for the Aden swaddles, these were life savers.

Halo Sleep Sack
Much safe than blankets and comfy for baby.

Rainforest Mobile
This put The Cucumber to sleep every single night. He loves it.

Sound Machine
Both The Cucumber and The Quite Contemplator loved this. Helped for the first few weeks to keep The Contemplator from waking up when The Cucumber cried.

Travel Crib Music
Amazing and portable. Makes travel sleep easier.

The Peanut Shell
When The Cucumber lost his cool, this was the only thing that would calm him.

Rainforest Bouncer
The Cucumber was not impressed with our old bouncer but went crazy for this one.

Now I, personally, do not have one of these but my friend does and it is the coolest thing I have ever seen. So smart. Both of my kids hated our swing and I wish I had bought this instead.

Wrist and Foot Rattles
Adorable and very entertaining, apparently.

Formula Separators
These were time-saving and fab. I like this old model better than the new one.

Burp Cloths
These rock. Way better than real burp cloths.

I like that the waterproof liner is covered on both sides of these.

Dr. Brown's Bottles
Amazeballs. Never a gassy moment.

Owl Bib
Haven't used this yet but I LOVED Bumkins for solids and this pattern is adorable. Had to buy.

Alphabet Wall Stickers
Adorable and I love that they are cloth so they don't look shiny and cheap.

Snap n Go Stroller
Lugging around the pumkin seat was a no go and bigger strollers were too bulky so this easy stroller for the pumpkin seat was a life saver.

Lil' Nursery Tent
Used this countless times to block sun and wind on trips to the park for picnics.

Project Runway
Make it work. Enough said.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Parenting Perspective

As Beyonce has taught many of us, perspective is important. Often, as parents, we lose our perspective, along with our collective shit. Here's a little advice to help you find that elusive perspective.

Keep the big picture in mind, not the little details
If you can't find the red-and-white checkered table cloth that you have scoured 25 stores for because it will go perfect with your farm-themed birthday party, the party will still go on. Your kid will still eat so much cake he wants to throw up, your kid's friends will still trash your house while having the best time EVER and you will still need a cocktail to survive it all. We sometimes get wrapped up in the details of it all and forget to look at the big picture: this is your child's birthday party and all they care about is cake and presents. You are the one that cares about matching centerpieces and a coordinating menu. Let it go. Try to see what is really important in every situation and let the niggling details fall to the wayside while you open a box of wine and lighten up about being perfect all the time.

Stop to smell the dirty diapers roses
With work, daycare dropoffs, Drs appointments, school programs, dishes, groceries, potty training, dirty diapers, etc., us moms have a lot going on. This sometimes makes it hard for us to enjoy the small things, like the hug our toddler gives us without prompting while we are trying to clean their Cheerios off the toilet. Let everything slide once in a while. Let the cleaning, laundry and the dishes wait until the kids go to bed. Hell, it is easier cleaning without the path of destruction following behind you anyway. The point is, stop being so busy that you don't enjoy life. Instead of hyper-planning a "fun" day at the Zoo filled with every awesome thing you can think of, head to the backyard and play a game of tag with your kids. Chances are you will both enjoy it more than some crazy outing.

It isn't that big of a deal
We parents often spend too much time making a big deal out of nothing. So you dropped the paci on the floor of a restaurant and stuffed it back into your baby's mouth rather than go to wash it properly and prompt a raging fit; so you sent your 3-year-old boy to school in his sister's Barbie undies because his were all dirty; so you forgot to bring your organic, gluten-, dairy- and soy-free fruit snacks for your kid and fed them regular ones instead; so you realized you were out of diapers after your daughter had a blowout at the pediatrician and had to ask them for a spare. Life will go on. These things are not that big of a deal and, chances are, your kids will not be permanently scarred because you bought store-brand formula and not Similac. Kids are like rubber bands. They are flexible and snap back from everything. We parents need to learn to do the same and give ourselves a break every now and then.

It's OK to not be a Gwenyth
With today's changing society, a mommy can feel like total shit if she doesn't use cloth diapers, breastfeed until her kids are in college, feed them only organic diets, rid their household of all plastic, etc. In my book, if you manage to get healthy food in your kid 50% of the time, CONGRATS. Don't sweat the 50% of the time that you throw McNuggets at them because you are late for your kid-induced lobotomy. You don't have to make your own toilet cleaner from gypsy tears in order for your kids to grow up normal. It is OK to give into temptation once in a while. No, this doesn't mean giving your kids a turn at the keg. It just means to lighten up and let them eat a real cupcake every once in a while. Fuck Gwenyth. Her kids are named Apple and Moses. They are screwed no matter what she feeds them.

Things could always be worse
Yep, your kid flushed another diaper and flooded the bathroom with poo water. Yep, your dishwasher broke the same week as the dryer and the air conditioner. Yep, your kid got lice and spread it to the entire t-ball league and you are now the talk of the mommy town. Yep, you burned the lasagna when you have had the worst day ever and the kids are screaming at you for food. Yep, your infant puked all over your brand new outfit right before you were about to head out for your first date night in months. So what? Your kids could be in a hospital bed instead of driving you crazy in the car. Your house could have burned down instead of just needing a few repairs. Take a deep breath. Walk away from the situation for a few minutes. Down some "Mommy Juice". Then head back into the battle guns blazing and kick some mommy ass! It could always be worse.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

The Confessional

In high school, I drank too much Boone's Farm with a friend one night and woke up the next morning in the front yard. Of someone else's house. In my swimsuit. To the sprinklers going off. Thankfully, my friend was also passed out face-first in the grass next to me.

The Confessional is now open. Have something you need to repent for? Feel free to send me your sin and I will help your purge your demons.

Sins from fellow Boozehounds (sorry I have been lax in posting these):

I travel a lot with my kids. When they were fairly young (maybe 3 and 1). They both ended up falling asleep about 30 mins into our 3 hour drive! I thought it was to good to be true, and it was cause 4 mins later I had to pee. Bad. Thinking if I pull over they would most certainly wake up, I held it. And held it. And...held it. Then I looked down and saw an empty McDonalds cup. Should I?? I did!! Judge me all you want. The. Kids. Were. Sleeping. What choice did I have? Side note: peeing while behind the wheel of a moving vehicle is not at all safe and takes an immense amount of talent.

ILBAB Says: Girl, you gotta do what you gotta do to keep the kids sleeping on long trips. I just hope you had some spare wet wipes to clean up the splash factor.

I was pinning on Pinterest and pinned a profane yet hilarious photo to my For Laughs board. This has been one of my oldest boards (I've been on Pinterest for like, 6 weeks) and it basically consists entirely of photos with profane, booze-based, completely inappropriate and offensive captions. A few minutes later, a woman commented on my new pin, asking why it was categorized under "kids", and she was looking at Pinterest with her son, not cool, blah blah blah. I was horrified! I had NO IDEA the board was categorized under kids. I did not categorize it that way for sure, and some douche thinking they were funny probably did, since Pinterest lets total strangers categorize other total strangers' boards for them. Neat. I immediately changed it but am still just cringing inside. UGH!

ILBAB Says: I am more interested in why her son was with her on P-crack in the first place. Like he wants to see all of your obsessive pinning of toilet paper roll covers that you will never actually see through to fruition.

After a horrendous day of work, I decided to pour myself a glass of mommy juice and watch tv with my son. While making him a bottle, I accidentally got some of the formula powder in my drink. Not one to waste mommy juice, I drank it anyway.

ILBAB Says: Bitch, formula has iron in it. It is like you were eating a salad while you were drinking. That means you don't have to stop drinking to consume vitamins! You savvy Boozehound, you.

My first quarter away from Orange County I hated the school I was at. No mall, no shopping, only granola hippies (little did i know i would soon become one!). I was venting online in an MSN chat room about how weird my school was when I found a lost soul who was soon commiserating with me. Turns out she was miserable too! And lived on Campus near me! Aaaannd had an older boyfriend just like me! She gave me her name and i realized i had met her many moons before during an interview at Planned Parenthood (workstudy). Her roomate flipped out and begged her to unplug her computer and never speak to me - she thought i was a stalker. Instead she invited me over for dinner and we are still best friends 12 years later.

ILBAB Says: Her roommate was just worried you would replace her in her Single white Female position.

My baby (3.5 months) likes to watch TV. Any screen, really. An ipod, digital picture frame, TV, laptop - it doesn't matter. It immediately calms her down and entrances her. Several times she has leaned *around me* to be able to see the screen! I have used this fascination to get things done or just stop the crying. I bookmarked an online kaleidoscope to use when I'm calming her near my computer. I've propped her up on a chair in front of the TV to get laundry done. I've positioned her swing so she can watch the TV from it. This makes me guilty - everyone is very clear that any TV-watching before 2 years is bad bad bad. But she likes it, and it gives me some quiet, peaceful time to get something to eat, manage some of the household chaos, and enjoy a TV show or two.

ILBAB Says: as longs as you don't tape her eyes open and force her to watch it in Clockwork Orange fashion, she will not become a serial killer.

I am 30 years old, wife and mommy. I confess that i have been sticking boogers on the back of my headboard. I just can't bring myself to get out of the bed in the middle of the night to get Kleenex. It is so much simpler to pick that bastard, reach up, and paste it on the back of the headboard. I managed to keep this hidden from my husband when we moved but if he discovers this disgusting secret, I could possibly end up divorced. It is rather appalling, I know. I also managed to ruin my new Vera Wang plush mattress by starting my period in the night and leaving a mess that bled through my 500 thread count sheets onto the mattress. It looks like a crime scene that would stump the local CSI. I confess that my bed is a booger and blood infested mess. But, hell, the sheets are clean. Downy fresh.

ILBAB Says: Um...boogers...on the headboard. Yeah. I have never been caught doing that and had my husband horrified at how disgusting I am. Oh wait, yes I have. Clean them now before it is too late!

I took all the stool softeners offered to me after pushing my baby boy into this world the old-fashion way. Scared out of my mind, I headed to the bathroom when I felt my first urge in 3 days. There I sat, wondering if the pushes were strong enough to warrant screaming. I was scared outta my wits, felt like my stitches were gonna snap, and wondered if I was pushing my vag out with the turd. It fucking hurt. Then I froze with that sucker half way out: I heard the front door open (I was expecting company, OF COURSE). Fuck, you've gotta be kidding me. I gave a push that would have made my OBGYN scared. I made the loudest “plop” in my life and my “area” just received a cold splash. What a thrill. It didn't relieve the damage though, cuz fuck if my first shit after childbirth didn't push out 2 inches of my large intestine with it. Mortified that my company heard the tidal wave, I hurried up and flushed. I've lived in this house for 5 years and have never had to use a plunger. Well, that damn turd nearly had me up to my ankles in shit-water! So there I was, trying to plunge a baseball through a straw as quietly as possible so the company wouldn't hear the ensuing events. I'm sure they knew what was happening.

ILBAB Says: I love this story. Anything that involve poop just makes me crack up. Thanks for sharing.

The other night, when the family sat down to have family movie night, the boy child, 6, took his shoes off. The Husband immediately started yelling "What is that awful smell?" The boy child took great delight in sticking his awful, stinky, skunk feet in Daddy's face. Daddy took him straight to the bathroom, sat him on the counter, and cleaned his feet with Clorox wipes. Worked so much better than soap. I'm just ashamed that I didn't think of it.

ILBAB Says: I think you should inform Clorox of this brilliant new use for their product: stinky feet eliminators.

I have occasionally blamed my fart on one of my kids. I know. Please report this to Child Protective Services ASAP. Somebody STOP me!

ILBAB Says: Isn't that why we all had kids in them first place? Flatulence scapegoats?

Friday, March 16, 2012

While I was out.

I thought I would give you a wrap-up of what went down while I was on maternity leave. Enjoy.
  • I changed 876 diapers (seriously)
  • I washed, filled and fed 588 bottles (seriously)
  • I was vomited on 588 times after feeding The Cool Cucumber 588 bottles
  • I was peed on
  • I was pooped on
  • I cried countless times out of frustration
  • I drank 10 cases of Trader Joe's wine to medicate said frustration
  • I ruined two laptops
  • I cut off a foot of my hair
  • I watched seven seasons of Project Runway
  • I watched two seasons of True Blood
  • I enjoyed many mommy playdates with a new friend and her baby
  • I got a handsome little boy through the first three month of his life and didn't break him
Overall, even though a lot of it was hard, I relaxed with my new man and enjoyed the shit out of myself.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

The Confessional

For our first real date, my husband and I decided to cook each other dinner. He went to my place to cook me dinner and I went to his place to cook him dinner. On the same night. At the same time. We both thought the other had stood us up. We are working on our communication skills.

The Confessional is now open. Have something you need to repent for? Feel free to send me your sin and I will help your purge your demons.

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

The Confessional

One of my best friends growing up's family owned a funeral home with an apartment above it. We would often invite unsuspecting friends over and lock them in the apartment while we tormented them by banging under the stairs and making moaning noises. There is a good chance I am going to hell for that.

The Confessional is now open. Have something you need to repent for? Feel free to send me your sin and I will help your purge your demons.
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