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Tuesday, March 20, 2012

The Confessional

In high school, I drank too much Boone's Farm with a friend one night and woke up the next morning in the front yard. Of someone else's house. In my swimsuit. To the sprinklers going off. Thankfully, my friend was also passed out face-first in the grass next to me.

The Confessional is now open. Have something you need to repent for? Feel free to send me your sin and I will help your purge your demons.

Sins from fellow Boozehounds (sorry I have been lax in posting these):

I travel a lot with my kids. When they were fairly young (maybe 3 and 1). They both ended up falling asleep about 30 mins into our 3 hour drive! I thought it was to good to be true, and it was cause 4 mins later I had to pee. Bad. Thinking if I pull over they would most certainly wake up, I held it. And held it. And...held it. Then I looked down and saw an empty McDonalds cup. Should I?? I did!! Judge me all you want. The. Kids. Were. Sleeping. What choice did I have? Side note: peeing while behind the wheel of a moving vehicle is not at all safe and takes an immense amount of talent.

ILBAB Says: Girl, you gotta do what you gotta do to keep the kids sleeping on long trips. I just hope you had some spare wet wipes to clean up the splash factor.

I was pinning on Pinterest and pinned a profane yet hilarious photo to my For Laughs board. This has been one of my oldest boards (I've been on Pinterest for like, 6 weeks) and it basically consists entirely of photos with profane, booze-based, completely inappropriate and offensive captions. A few minutes later, a woman commented on my new pin, asking why it was categorized under "kids", and she was looking at Pinterest with her son, not cool, blah blah blah. I was horrified! I had NO IDEA the board was categorized under kids. I did not categorize it that way for sure, and some douche thinking they were funny probably did, since Pinterest lets total strangers categorize other total strangers' boards for them. Neat. I immediately changed it but am still just cringing inside. UGH!

ILBAB Says: I am more interested in why her son was with her on P-crack in the first place. Like he wants to see all of your obsessive pinning of toilet paper roll covers that you will never actually see through to fruition.

After a horrendous day of work, I decided to pour myself a glass of mommy juice and watch tv with my son. While making him a bottle, I accidentally got some of the formula powder in my drink. Not one to waste mommy juice, I drank it anyway.

ILBAB Says: Bitch, formula has iron in it. It is like you were eating a salad while you were drinking. That means you don't have to stop drinking to consume vitamins! You savvy Boozehound, you.

My first quarter away from Orange County I hated the school I was at. No mall, no shopping, only granola hippies (little did i know i would soon become one!). I was venting online in an MSN chat room about how weird my school was when I found a lost soul who was soon commiserating with me. Turns out she was miserable too! And lived on Campus near me! Aaaannd had an older boyfriend just like me! She gave me her name and i realized i had met her many moons before during an interview at Planned Parenthood (workstudy). Her roomate flipped out and begged her to unplug her computer and never speak to me - she thought i was a stalker. Instead she invited me over for dinner and we are still best friends 12 years later.

ILBAB Says: Her roommate was just worried you would replace her in her Single white Female position.

My baby (3.5 months) likes to watch TV. Any screen, really. An ipod, digital picture frame, TV, laptop - it doesn't matter. It immediately calms her down and entrances her. Several times she has leaned *around me* to be able to see the screen! I have used this fascination to get things done or just stop the crying. I bookmarked an online kaleidoscope to use when I'm calming her near my computer. I've propped her up on a chair in front of the TV to get laundry done. I've positioned her swing so she can watch the TV from it. This makes me guilty - everyone is very clear that any TV-watching before 2 years is bad bad bad. But she likes it, and it gives me some quiet, peaceful time to get something to eat, manage some of the household chaos, and enjoy a TV show or two.

ILBAB Says: as longs as you don't tape her eyes open and force her to watch it in Clockwork Orange fashion, she will not become a serial killer.

I am 30 years old, wife and mommy. I confess that i have been sticking boogers on the back of my headboard. I just can't bring myself to get out of the bed in the middle of the night to get Kleenex. It is so much simpler to pick that bastard, reach up, and paste it on the back of the headboard. I managed to keep this hidden from my husband when we moved but if he discovers this disgusting secret, I could possibly end up divorced. It is rather appalling, I know. I also managed to ruin my new Vera Wang plush mattress by starting my period in the night and leaving a mess that bled through my 500 thread count sheets onto the mattress. It looks like a crime scene that would stump the local CSI. I confess that my bed is a booger and blood infested mess. But, hell, the sheets are clean. Downy fresh.

ILBAB Says: Um...boogers...on the headboard. Yeah. I have never been caught doing that and had my husband horrified at how disgusting I am. Oh wait, yes I have. Clean them now before it is too late!

I took all the stool softeners offered to me after pushing my baby boy into this world the old-fashion way. Scared out of my mind, I headed to the bathroom when I felt my first urge in 3 days. There I sat, wondering if the pushes were strong enough to warrant screaming. I was scared outta my wits, felt like my stitches were gonna snap, and wondered if I was pushing my vag out with the turd. It fucking hurt. Then I froze with that sucker half way out: I heard the front door open (I was expecting company, OF COURSE). Fuck, you've gotta be kidding me. I gave a push that would have made my OBGYN scared. I made the loudest “plop” in my life and my “area” just received a cold splash. What a thrill. It didn't relieve the damage though, cuz fuck if my first shit after childbirth didn't push out 2 inches of my large intestine with it. Mortified that my company heard the tidal wave, I hurried up and flushed. I've lived in this house for 5 years and have never had to use a plunger. Well, that damn turd nearly had me up to my ankles in shit-water! So there I was, trying to plunge a baseball through a straw as quietly as possible so the company wouldn't hear the ensuing events. I'm sure they knew what was happening.

ILBAB Says: I love this story. Anything that involve poop just makes me crack up. Thanks for sharing.

The other night, when the family sat down to have family movie night, the boy child, 6, took his shoes off. The Husband immediately started yelling "What is that awful smell?" The boy child took great delight in sticking his awful, stinky, skunk feet in Daddy's face. Daddy took him straight to the bathroom, sat him on the counter, and cleaned his feet with Clorox wipes. Worked so much better than soap. I'm just ashamed that I didn't think of it.

ILBAB Says: I think you should inform Clorox of this brilliant new use for their product: stinky feet eliminators.

I have occasionally blamed my fart on one of my kids. I know. Please report this to Child Protective Services ASAP. Somebody STOP me!

ILBAB Says: Isn't that why we all had kids in them first place? Flatulence scapegoats?


  1. You totally NAILED it with your response to my Pinterest one! Thanks for the laugh!

  2. Here's one for you....I chose to spend the night at my sister's house. The guest room (when the door is open) looks directly into my nephews' room. I opened my eyes this morning to see my 5 year old nephew standing their bare ass naked bent over touching his toes and screaming at his brothers "DIARRHEA CANNON!!!!!" Instead of alerting my sister or being the responsible aunt - I laid on the bed and laughed my ass off.


I love hearing from you. It reinforces that writing this blog is not just a silly waste of my brain matter. If you leave a douche canoe comment, I will delete it. I am powerful like that.

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