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Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Fatty has fun outside

Today I am going to introduce you to a lesser-known member of your family: Fatty.
  
Fatty enjoys laying in the sun, bathing herself, eating chocolate pudding, glaring at inanimate objects and howling in the middle of the night.

I like pudding.

Though I call her Fatty here, at home, we call her Kitty. Her real name is Fiona. She likes to pee on carpet, and our whole main level is carpeted, so Fatty lives in the our new finished basement. Don't call the Humane Society feel sorry for her. We spend most of our time down there since the playroom and TV family room are down there. She also has her own bedroom, full bath and laundry facilities. Fatty isn't exactly being abused. Her level of the house is bigger than our entire loft was before we moved. She also has constant company in Alyssa the snail and Boy the fish, of which Fatty would love to make into an appetizer of escargot followed by a main course of sushi. But I digress.

On Friday, I got off early and decided to sit out in the backyard to enjoy a beer or two by myself before ADD Daddy got home with The Quiet Contemplator and The Cool Cucumber. I decided to take Fatty along for the ride. She was not pleased. If there is anything that Fatty is 1,000,000% not, it is an outdoor cat. The experience went a bit like this (keep in mind that Fatty's voice is that of a bitchy French gay man):

We go outside.
I sit on the couch with Fatty.
Fatty immediately jumps off and heads for the closed door to the inside.

Ohmygodpleaseopenthisdoor!

Fatty begins howling.
I begin laughing.
Fatty howls louder and look desperate.
Fatty's inner dialogue: Ohmygod. WhyamIoutside? Whatisthatscarynoise (lawnmower)? Whatisthatotherscarynoise (air conditioner)? Ohmygod. WhyamIoutside?
Me: What's wrong, Fatty?

HELP!

Fatty's inner dialogue: (Fatty now looks more pissed than scared) OH MY GOD! I think there is a leaf in my butt.
Me: Fatty, what's wrong? 
Fatty's inner dialogue: What's wrong? What's wrong? I am a tortoise shell calico, bitch. My fur is pristine. What were you thinking dragging me out into the wilderness?

Oh, hell-to-the-no, bitch.

Me: Fatty, do you want to go inside?
Fatty's inner dialogue: 


Bitch, I will cut you. Open the door. Now.

The end.   


32 comments:

  1. Fiona sounds a lot like my Chevelle. She gives the dirtiest looks you have ever seen. And she ONLY meows when someone is trying to sleep.

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    Replies
    1. (When she was a kitten, she had two racing stripes down her back.)

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    2. My BFF in high school has an old javelin.

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  2. Ha, poor Fatty. Her delicate little toes had to touch outside ground!

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  3. Thank you for making my day, this story is hilarious. My cats are opposite, they do all of this while inside and howl until they are released into the wild.

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  4. She is soooo gonna piss on your carpet first chance she has. Our bitchy cat is Little Bit, named by the Humane society, and there's nothing little about her. She is a christmas ham. and usually i call her little bitch, cuz that's all she does.

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  5. My cat would rip out my throat in my sleep if I did that to him. He is a mean little bastard and I have the scars to prove it.

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  6. I love the name Fatty! My college roommate had a cat named Fatty (I've probably mentioned this before).

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  7. One of our cats begs and begs and begs to be let out.
    So we bust out the harness, strap his ass in, and bring him out.
    Literally 2.4 minutes later, he is begging to be let back in.
    So we take him in, unstrap him from the harness, and go back outside.
    He then promptly starts begging to be let out again.

    It's REALLY endearing.

    Also, I love the name Fatty. Our coolest cat ever was named Snotter. She was blind in one eye, has a chronic runny nose, and was the absolute shit. I miss her terribly...

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  8. My parents have a cat who is for real named "Fatty". Mom tells the Vet his name is "Freddy" because she's embarrassed. He has kitty AIDS. The cat, not the Vet.

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  9. I can SO relate!!! I have a dilute calico AND a tortie. (What was I thinking?) The tortie is VERY mouthy and loves to get outside. WHere she eats the grass, comes back in the house, and then promptly pukes on the carpet. The calico will lure in with her floofy belly, but when you rub it, she attacks with the claws of death. But, I love them both dearly, they've been with me through thick and thin (before hubby and kiddos)

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  10. Oh my Lord! I think Fatty is leading a double life, or she has a long, lost birth twin! I have a Shed Kitty (yes, that's her name) here that looks JUST like your Fatty! Poor Sheddie has to live in our mudroom. No cushy basement digs for her. And she sounds more like an Irish washerwoman, with the vocabulary to go with it!

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  11. Yep, just like a female kitty! She is beautiful! :-) I love how you described her voice, I could totally hear it in my head and everything!

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  12. I had a Himalayan Siamese named Kenya who got out the house a couple of times, she also got stuck behind walls, and pissed on my leather couch. She was gorgeous but not the brightest! I miss her *sniff*

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  13. Hahaha! Fatty and Puma (my kitty) could be pals. We've had puma since she was 2 months old, and I never have to fear she would go anywhere because she freaks out like Fatty.

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  14. That's absolutely hysterical. Poor Fatty. Don't worry, I've got a Dumbass at home.

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  15. My brother and his wife have made up voices for all of their animals. It's a laugh riot when they start conversing as if they were the animals.

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I love hearing from you. It reinforces that writing this blog is not just a silly waste of my brain matter. If you leave a douche canoe comment, I will delete it. I am powerful like that.

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