Image Map

Thursday, April 26, 2012

The Cool Cucumber's Birth Story Part 2

Enjoy The Cool Cucumber's Birth Story Part 1? Dying to know what happens in Part 2? Doubtful, but here goes...

Well, after ADD Daddy talked me down from the ceiling, we decided to stay. At 1 p.m., they started pitocin. It wasn't bad at all and didn't seem to do much for quite a while. We just kind of sat around while I read magazines and played on the internet.

At 3 p.m., I was checked (much less painful this time) and had progressed to 2.5 cm. Wow. A whole centimeter in two hours. Start the ticker tape parade! To get things moving, they broke my water. It was crazy because I didn't have the epidural yet and I could feel everything gush out. It was awesome. With The Quiet Contemplator, they told me to get the epi before they broke my water because it would hurt like a son of a bitch. It didn't hurt at all. I am so glad I got to experience it. Though it was funny that every time I had to get up to go to the bathroom, more would "water" rush out. My poor husband. Ha!

After they broke my water, contractions started coming a heck of a lot faster. They weren't horrible yet, but by 4:30 p.m., I decided to get the epi. Nurse Ratched kept pissing me off and trying to get me to hold off, so I figured she would keep the anesthesiologist at bay for a while after I requested it, so I ordered one up.

At 4:45 p.m., the most important man in my life arrived: the anesthesiologist. He and his glorious 8-inch needle filled me with pure happiness--and drugs. While he was doing the procedure, another guy walked in and introduced himself as the anesthesiologist. I immediately said, "Who the hell is this guy then? The janitor?" Everyone was dying and the real guy had to stop working because he was laughing so hard. Oops.

At 5 p.m., with a body full of drugs, I got the MOST INTENSE itching of my life. I mean I was tearing my skin off it itched so bad. It is a common side effect of the epi but MY GOD! They also checked me again and I was at a 4. By this point I now had the epi, so I could have been checked by a gorilla and not even noticed. Ah. Heaven.

6:30 p.m. cathed and checked: 5 cm. God bless you, iPad. You make waiting for this damn baby to make his appearance enjoyable.

7:15 p.m. checked: 6 cm. Getting there. But still just more sitting around and playing on the internet. This is going to take FOREVER!

Or 45 more minutes. At 8 p.m. I felt like I had to poop. Bad. Nurse Ratched checked me and I was at 10 cm. Yes, I went 4 cm in 45 minutes with no pain. I am a bitch, I know.

At 8:30 p.m., my Dr arrived and I started pushing. After one and a half pushes, The Cool Cucumber made his debut at 8:34 p.m. Again, I know I am a bitch. Pushing babies out is just my skill in life. Some people are good at math, some can create culinary masterpieces, some can build rockets. I can shove watermelons out of my vagina at warp speed. Bonus.

After The Cucumber arrived, I kept waiting for them to take him away from me like they did The Quiet Contemplator. I just kept asking, "Is he OK? Are you going to take him away?" The nurses thought I was nuts. But they didn't take him away. He was perfect. And he was mine. And his sister loves the shit out of him. Still.

The end.


  1. You're good at math... you figured out the equation required to make a baby. You've created a masterpiece (or two)... in your womb. You've built a rocket, and rocketed it out of your vag. You're JUST as skilled as those others, but more! :))

  2. In honor of all the women who will be hating on you, I'll let you hate on me. Total time in labor for baby #1 (from waking up in the night to receiving squawking bundle of joy): 5 hours. Total time for #2, who was induced: 3 hours 45 minutes.

    Vaginal high fives.

  3. Hey, at least you popped out the Cool Cucumber before bedtime. He did let you sleep through the night, right?! =)

  4. 1st baby - 2 pushes.
    2nd baby - 1 push
    3rd baby - never pushed, a contraction forced him into the world. :)

  5. I kinda hate you because with both my boys I pushed for 2 hours and they had to use the vacuum to pull them out. But when your water breaks naturally and your nurses are pro epidural you just get to lay there until the baby has dropped enough to push. So that was pretty nice, I just laid around all day and read a book.


I love hearing from you. It reinforces that writing this blog is not just a silly waste of my brain matter. If you leave a douche canoe comment, I will delete it. I am powerful like that.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...