Image Map

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Stupid sexy minivans.

Minivans must have mommy crack in them. I remember before I had kids, I thought they were the scourge of the earth. Why on earth would you drive one when there are so many other 7-passenger options out there that don't look like douche wagons. Then I had my first child and I started to see a little of their allure: remote doors, entertainment systems, Captain's seating, etc.

Now that I have two kids, I would give just about anything to trade our Mazda CX-7 in for a family truckster. I would love to be able to climb into the back of our moving vehicle (while ADD Daddy is driving, of course) to attend to my screaming infant without performing something that isn't even possible from those bendy people in Cirque du Soleil. Hey, you try climbing over the front headrests, the pumpkin seat and toddler seat in order to jam your legs into a space about 5 inches deep and your ass into a space about 1.5 feet wide. Especially after you just had a baby. Suck.

With two carseats jammed in our tiny backseat, it requires a lot of grunting and maneuvering to even get the pumpkin seat into its place, let alone getting The Quiet Contemplator into her carseat alongside it. And with said seats crammed in, we are unable to move the driver's or passenger's seats anywhere even close to comfortable in the legroom department. And our other car? Oh yeah, it's a YARIS. Basically, it is a car built for hamsters (though we loved this car before we had to fit our spawn into it)!

This is why new parent's should not be allowed to go car shopping. Lack of sleep, lack of knowledge of what we would actually needed and still trying to hang onto our last shred of pre-parental dignity led us to make a terrible car purchase after we had The Contemplator. Now that The Cool Cucumber is here, this decision makes me want to hit myself in the face with a shovel. Repeatedly.

I want a minivan. There. I said it. I feel dirty.


  1. We have a Swagger Wagon. I swear it's the best thing we ever bought. Do it. People who yack about being too cool for minivans annoy me. One of those people used to be my husband. Then he actually drove one around. The fool changed his mind immediately. I've made sure to throw in an adequate number of "told you so"s over the past three years.

  2. I was the first of my friends to have kids. As in, both of my kids are older than any of theirs. I was ridiculed for my minivan. Until I was helping with a wedding of one them and I opened doors with a button, flipped seats to accomodate flowers, watched movies while we were waiting, etc. Then after that same friend had a baby and she could barely lift the big seat up into her SUV and get it locked on the base, she began to see what a genius I really am. More and more of those same people who laughed are now biting their tongues. Yes minivans are brillant!

  3. I want a Dodge Caravan. They are brilliant.

  4. I got an Odyssey and it is the BEST THING EVER. Plus, they sold it to me for 1 cent over invoice and threw in a $900 rebate. .9 percent financing, too. You should get one!

  5. I caved and traded in my CX7 for an Odyssey. I literally cringed for about 6 months everytime I saw it thru my kitchen window parked out front. I mean a CX7 is so much sportier and you look so much better behind the wheel. But, there is no way in hell I'd be able to pack up 3 kids, a baby, two dogs and all their equipment in a CX7--no matter how much cuter they are. Plus, the CX7 was killing me in Premium fuel. In the van, everyone has space, no one fights and the best is I don't have to worry about someone dinging the door of the car next to us in the parking lot. We bought used so we could get all the bells and whistles (leather, heated seats, entertainment system, etc.) There's no way in hell I could afford a new one--a school bus would be cheaper.

  6. I'm pretty sure the minivan is serving as birth control for me. We have a super old SUV. The car seat is behind the passenger seat, which cannot be moved back any further. My husband is 6'3, so we cannot put a car seat behind the driver's seat, otherwise he wouldn't ever fit into the vehicle. And I detest minivans to such a level that I would rather be a one-kid family than I would buy a minivan to accommodate a growing family (said with some amount of sarcasm). =)

  7. I AM DYING....

    Of laughter. Okay, you don't care but I am going to tell you about this anyway. Last year, faced with 3 kids, it was time to go car shopping. We were looking at SUVs, like the Highlander, etc. The Toyota guy OF COURSE, upon hearing about why were were getting a new car, said, "Well, you have to check out the minivans." Me: "Actually, no, I don't HAVE to, and I'm not going to." Him: "Why?" Me: "I can't explain it. I don't know, I just don't like them. I've vowed to never own a minivan; I never will, I already have trouble with having 3 kids (more than we ever expected to have thanks, IUD failure), the last thing I am going to do is drive around in a minivan and resent my kids for putting me in the position of having to drive a fucking minivan. No, I'm not going to do it."
    (And yes, I know that my kids didn't put me "in the position", my husband did, but anyway....)
    This STILL somehow does not knock this guy off the minivan rocker. He's a true car salesman. After some more back and forth, he asks me to at least just go sit in one. Finally, only to get him off my fucking back, I say okay.
    I walk over to one, and my stomach is churning. I'm sure the look on my face was of pure angst and horror. The guy is trying to sell it UP. He's showing me all the features. He's bragging about the remote-controlled sliding doors. He demonstrates how the door has sensors and will never hit or crush the kids, but he didn't notice that I had my leg where I did and the door slammed into it. It felt good.
    Then he asked me to sit in the driver's seat. I did. I broke out into a sweat. I started shaking. I looked at my husband, who was laughing at me through the front window and trying to tell me how "hot" I looked.
    I couldn't take it any more. I shot out of the van and said, "NOPE, haven't changed my mind!" Let's go look at the Highlander over there." It took about 20 minutes for the shakes to subside.
    We bought a Highlander. I JUST cannot wrap my mind around a minivan. It's not that I'm too "cool" for one, because the last thing I am is cool. It has something to do with how I identify them with mothers and I try to remove myself from that identity as much as possible. Apparently, six years and three kids later, I still have trouble wrapping my mind around that identity. My poor kids.
    Normally, I would not wish this on my worst enemy, but because you want one, I wish you a minivan. Like, the best minivan ever, that fulfills all of your dreams and needs in a car!

  8. My husband proclaimed the need for a minivan the other day. I almost fell over.

  9. Ha ha! I just bought a used Dodge Grand Caravan XLT minivan this year and I have no kids. I do have three dogs so they all get their own seat when we go pimping down the road. I call it the Silver Bullet, but my husband calls it the Shaggin' Waggin (yeah, not gonna happen, Dan). I absolutely LOVE everything about my van. Best car I've ever owned. Hands down. Ever. With awesome sauce on top. And I've had a lot of vehicles: Chevy Citation, Chevy Cavalier, Ford Ranger, Hyundai Excel, Saturn 4-door sedan, Chevy Suburban, Chevy Silverado, Ford F-350, and a Dodge Caliber. My two faves were the Hyundai Excel and the new minivan. My advice to you? Don't wait! Go get one! I pissed and moaned for 3 years before I got serious and bought one. I wish I'd done it at the beginning so I could have saved myself from those years of projecting hate at my stupid, ugly Caliber.

  10. Wasn't it you who told me to "just embrace it"?

    You're gonna LOVE it. We have a Routan and I absolutely adore it and all of it's stupid convenient features. Though, lately, I've been lusting after an Odyssey like it's my job. They really are filled with mommy crack.

  11. With baby #3 on his way in less than a month, we just this past week traded our small ford taurus for a Town and Country! I am in love with it already!! I come from a family of 6+ parents so I am very familiar with the minivans of old but let me tell this this is not the MV my parents carted their clown posse in. Its is so luxurious. LOL yes I just said a MV is luxurious.

    1. I finally caved. be sure to read up on Rambone. He is my favorite.


I love hearing from you. It reinforces that writing this blog is not just a silly waste of my brain matter. If you leave a douche canoe comment, I will delete it. I am powerful like that.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...