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Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Kids make you do the darndest (most disgusting) things

Now that I have kids, I am often forced to man up and do disgusting things I never would have dreamed of before I had unprotected sex. Such as...

Poop with someone on my lap
That's right. I said it. I have gone number two with baby number one on my lap before. I am not proud of it, but when your baby is teething, sick, screaming, etc., you do what you have to do to keep them calm when nature calls. I look forward to my kids going to college when I can Finally. Go. To. The. Bathroom. By. My. Self. Again. And jesus christ, close the god damned door behind you so the neighbors can't see me pee! Can't a mama get some privacy up in here? Ever? No? OK. You can come in, but stop trying to throw your Cheerios in the toilet between my legs, OK?

Let another person puke in my hands
Until I had kids, I would have never thought of letting someone else vomit in my hands, let alone encourage it. Now, when a stomach virus hits our house (always with no notice until the chunks start flying) it is often a showdown between hurl landing on the carpet or in my hands. This is only an issue when I can not reach a bowl/trash can/Target bag/cat fast enough, of course. If given the time and forethought, I choose my hands because dumping and cleaning my hands is a hell of a lot faster than getting down on my hands and knees to scrub someone else's vom out of the rug. Shivers.

Pull a booger out of someone else's nose
When there is a bat in the cave, especially one whose wings flap every time the wind blows, something has to be done. Mama has got to go on a search-and-find mission and get her man. Que tweezers and a disgusting game of Operation that no one wants to win. Well…I do. Is it just me or is there something scarily satisfying about pulling a gigantic booger out of your child's nose? The bigger the better, in my book. I feel like I have basically cured cancer when I manage to wrangle a mondo boog out of my baby's nose. Victory is mine! Ew. Wait. Gross. Now I am holding someone else's booger. Maybe not.

Get peed/pooped/puked on
I really never would have volunteered to let someone excrete their bodily fluids on me, had I had the choice. But now that I have released spawn from my loins, I don't. I am basically a whipping boy for any bodily fluids that my children want to hurl my way. Not only that, but whenever they decide to leave any pee/poo/puke anywhere other than the toilet, I have to clean it up. Yeah. That sucks. Why didn't we just get a puppy? At least we could have them potty trained in a few months. Plus, puppies whine a lot less and don't leave their Cheerios all over the house.

13 comments:

  1. Great list, so true!!! Though, I am sort of indifferent about going to the bathroom with babies or toddlers in my midst. The other day, I was sitting on the pot and my son kept trying to look inside to see what was happening. Kids are so curious!

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    1. I tried to go alone. Once. I came out to find my daughter standing in the windowsill beating on the glass. I will take a bathroom buddy over a tears in heaven situation anyway. My god! Kids!

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  2. The other day, my three year old walked up to me while I was busy doing something (can't remember, damn Blur). He said, "here mommy!" in a cheerful little tweet of a voice and held his hand out. I thought he was handing me a fallen Cheerio or a fingernail (yeah, he pulls the tips of his fingernails off and then hands them to me *shudder*). Without thinking, I reached down and pulled the offending whatever it was off of his finger. Yeah, hello giant booger. Thanks little guy for giving me your boogers.

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  3. This list is so true. I know that BK (before kids) I would NEVER let anyone drink out of my cup...now...no problem. Get your chunks in my iced tea. There are so many things I never thought I would do until after I had kids. They do bring me joy, so I guess I will keep them!

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    1. Oh. God. The chunks in my drinks. More shivers.

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  4. Do yours act like you're pulling their brains out, along with the boogers? I swear, boogs must be prized possessions among my kids because all three have fought each and every removal as if their lives depend on keeping them. So annoying.

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  5. love. it. i am going through potty training right now with my 2 year old. he also just had a nasty night including a lot of throw up. and he now has some sort of a head cold so there is a lot of snot. i feel all of your pain....and have also gone to the bathroom lots of times holding my son or baby....love.this.blog. :) check out my blog at noyoureajerk.blogspot.com :)

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  6. Let me say first that I don't read blogs, except yours. I generally find them to be a bit too self-indulgent. Yours, however, I check everyday. I love it. As a new mother of a 7 1/2 month old, and a stay-at-home mom in a totally new city (we recently relocated for my husband's job), it is my breath of fresh air in a world of poopy diapers. Obviously I have also never commented on a blog before.

    I am compelled to comment on this one. I never in my life would have thought I would have agreed with every single one of the bullet points above, but now, only 7 1/2 short months in, I find myself laughing and nodding my head at each one!

    To the booger one I will add: my son has his very first cold, and before I had him I looked at the nosefrida, about which my sister-in-law wouldn't shut up, and wanted to puke right there. Then this cold hit and it is the most satisfying and wonderful tool I have ever used. Boogers are gross, no question. But when you can get them out with such amazing efficiency? Amazing.

    Again, thank you for your blog.

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  7. Yes to all of these! The day after my son was born, while still in the hospital, I peed while breast feeding. I was just glad to be able to sit on the toilet rather than pee into a catheter bag that was prominently displayed on the side of my bed, in full view of all my visitors.

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  8. I have twin 2 year olds. Even if my husband is home, bathroom breaks are not peaceful and I never get to go alone. I tried one time, I had one pounding on the door screaming "MOOOOOM!" and bawling her little eyes out. She feels the need to sit on my lap while I use the facilities, while her twin brother knocks everything he can in the bathtub, tries to climb in (while I'm not only stuck with pants around my ankles, but 30lbs of child holding me down) and has figured out how to stretch just right to reach the faucet. Unless its a school day for my older son, even during nap time, there's no peace. He'll open the door and talk to me with his hand over his eyes.... You know, for privacy.

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I love hearing from you. It reinforces that writing this blog is not just a silly waste of my brain matter. If you leave a douche canoe comment, I will delete it. I am powerful like that.

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