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Wednesday, April 25, 2012

The Cool Cucumber's Birth Story Part 1

OK, first off, those of you that had a WHOREndous birth story might want to leave now as you will probably want to stab me in the kidney with a rusty shiv after you are done reading this.

Gone? OK.

First the pre-story. Sunday, December 11, I woke up in the middle of the night with my hands and feet itching so bad I could Absolutely. Not. Stand. It. Knowing that it was a pregnancy symptom I had read about somewhere before, I decided to do the stupid thing and Google it. Bad idea. Turns out, the only thing it can really be is a condition called Cholestasis.

Basically, Cholestasis is when bile acids in the liver spill into the bloodstream. No big deal for me, but it can cause stillbirth in babies. HOLY FUCK! So I call my OB's after hours line and they tell me to go to the prenatal ER at my hospital. Since it is the middle of the night and The Quiet Contemplator and ADD Daddy were sleeping, and I was afraid I was just a crazy person and didn't really have this condition, I decided to wait until the morning after I dropped The Contemplator off at school to go in.

I go to the ER, they give me a bunch of bloodtests and basically send me home. The condition is so rare that the cholic acid test that diagnoses it takes days to get back. Sweet. It's not like I am sitting around worrying that I am going to give birth to a full-term dead baby or anything. A lot of lost paperwork, annoying nurses and bitchy lab techs later, and I finally get the results on December 21. A WEEK AND A HALF LATER! My cholic acid level was a 6.9 when it should be a 3 or lower. Not terrible, but not good so my Dr. decided to induce me the next morning.

We are told we would be called to come in for induction anywhere from 4 a.m. to 3 p.m. The hospital calls us at 9 a.m. and tells us to come in. Yay! Then they call back and tell us never mind because they just got a walk-in in labor. Doh!

We get the final call at 11 a.m. while we are cruising the mall after a teary goodbye dropping The Contemplator off at school. It was hard, I am not gonna lie. It was the last time I would see her and she would be my only baby. My heart broke a little. Then we headed to the hospital to officially make her a big sister.

We arrive at the hospital and I filled out the correct paperwork, gowned up and got my IV at 11:30 a.m.

At 12 p.m., the nurse with the biggest hands in the world came in to check my progression (fist me). This was the worst and most painful experience of my entire birth/life. It was mother fucking horrible and I mean that down to the letter. I thought I was going to die it hurt so bad. I screamed through the whole thing and finally shoved her off me via her gigantic old lady boobies and said, "Who fucking cares how far I am. Get off me!" Holy mother of god did it hurt. I feel horrible for my husband because you could see how upset he was with the whole situation. Turns out I was 1.5 cm. Thanks, sausage fingers.

After Nurse Ratched left, I broke down to ADD Daddy and told him I thought maybe this was a sign that induction was a bad idea. I am a big person for listening to signs and whatnot so I was scared. I was ready to pull my IV and bolt down the hallway clutching my Michael Kors bag with my ass hanging out of my gown and no shoes on. So did I? Stay tuned tomorrow for the exciting conclusion of, As My Vagina Turns.


  1. Yeah, I was quite surprised that it hurt so badly when they "checked" me. I had been watching baby delivery shows on tv and the women were all like "sure, check me" and were basically yawning during the check. So, when it happened to me, I was all like, "WTF, tv? You betrayed me!" I wanted to punch the dr. in the spleen during the check because it hurt so badly. Stupid TLC's A Baby Story and their large-vaginated pregnant spotlights!

  2. I'm pretty sure there was no time to check me, because I went from 0-10cm in 30 minutes, the most painful 30 minutes of my life. Maybe I should be thankful no one fisted me during that time.

  3. I was induced and I will never, ever be induced again. I was begging for a C-Section by the time day 3 rolled around. Yes, day THREE. So I vowed after that (and my epidural not working) that unless it was absolutely, 100% medically necessary (which, it was this time) that I will never, ever, ever be induced again.


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