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Thursday, April 12, 2012

Colic My Ass

Hi. My name is Julie (Hi, Julie) and my baby was (and sometimes still is) an asshole. This seems to be a confession no mom is willing to make but all struggling mamas want to hear. The Cool Cucumber was an asshole. He would cry for hours at a time for absolutely no reason. I nearly lost my mind holding a baby who did nothing but scream in my ear until it rang and I literally thought it would start bleeding. Yes, I took him to the pediatrician to make sure nothing was really wrong. The diagnosis the Dr gave us was that some baby's are just assholes and they usually grow out of it. The Quiet Contemplator was also an asshole.

I want to punch the person who defined this type of behavior as "colic" straight in the gizzard. Colic is a diagnostic black hole with no hope in sight. It is a diagnosis meant to give you some hope because it has an ending point but really it just robs you of all hope because there is no cure. Colic IS something. We just aren't smart enough to figure out what yet. Be it some sort of intestinal growth that causes discomfort, some sort of food intolerance or just that the baby really enjoys crying, we need to figure it out.

They now have something called The Purple Period of Crying. It basically just tells you that all babies are assholes and that it is not your fault. That is great, but the Purple Period didn't take the screaming infant out of my hands long enough for me to shower, pee and actually eat something, did it? That would have been super helpful.

I think there should be some sort of support for mamas of asshole babies. How about the Asshole Baby Relief System? The System would involve trained nurses armed with swaddles and earplugs that come to your house and hold your screaming baby while you go out and get blackout drunk with a therapist. Or maybe ABA (Asshole Babies Anonymous)? This one just involves a lot of coffee, metal folding chairs and outright weeping. Or Baby Boxing? This frustration-relief group lets mamas corral all of their screaming babies into one room and be supervised by highly-paid nannies while the strung out mothers take a boxing class with their baby's screaming face taped to the punching bag. I know these ideas are awesome, so don't everyone send their checks at once.

20 comments:

  1. OMG, I am laughing my butt off. I, too, had an asshole baby. Now he is a sweet little *cough* asshole toddler.

    BTW, while reading this and snorting aloud, a coworker asked what I was laughing about. I didn't have the heart to say, "asshole babies".

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    1. I am laughing at the fact that I am not the only one that wanted to lock my baby in a sound-proof room and runaway, never to return. I mean, a really funny Dilbert cartoon.

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  2. Yeah...I mostly have the asshole toddlers. Yesterday my daughter - during a screaming fit about her granola bar that broke in half - told me to stop looking at her. To quote, I said, "Not a problem. Believe me, I may never want to look at you again." She's 4 aka totally understands what I said to her. So they come by it honestly - they have an asshole mother.

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  3. You are one of the reason I can't get enough of Mommy Blogs! I am now the proud nanny of a asshole toddler, she was not an asshole baby; what happened to her!!

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  4. Another fantastic story. I never leave without a good laugh and feeling like the day is a little better.

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  5. I think I would've melted into a pile of tears if I had an asshole baby. That's probably why they delivered me a very premature, but very well behaved baby. They knew I could handle the NICU, but not the screaming child.

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    1. Oh, there were lots of tears alright. Mommy's and baby's.

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  6. I am sooooo glad I am not the only mother to call my kid an asshole. Whew. That's a load off.

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    1. I know! And I am so surprised I have not gotten hate mail for it!

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  7. Ha! I never called my kids assholes, but I have called them shitheads. Glad to know I'm not alone; it makes me feel a little less like a bad mother. :) Love the blog; will be reading often. Thanks for the laugh!

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  8. I have a 4 1/2 month old asshole of a daughter! Colic/ check; reflux-check; unable to soothe herself/check; acts like her paci is the black death all of a sudden/ check=asshole!! When I went in to work the other night to blow off some steam to my co-workers about my awful day (which included 3 asshole dogs that day) an called my daughter an asshole out loud I got a few laughs and a few dirty looks. Then my friend said u gotta read this blog, so glad she sent me to u!!

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  9. Man am I glad I'm not the only one! The best part is, when my four year old asshole son, calls me an asshole right back. What can I say, the kid comes by it honestly!

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  10. You commented on a baby center blog I was following during my pregnancy and I promised myself I would look you up, because I too love beer and babies. ( well more like rum, vodka or a bottle of wine ).

    lmfao!

    I love my son more than ANYTHING EVER, but man is he asshole! not colic, at least yours have a reason. he's just made it his mission that his father and I never get sleep/sex/a hot meal together. As long as he has a say anyway! (good thing we don't always let him have a say ;) )

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    1. Glad to have you, Vanessa! I haven't had an uninterrupted meal with my husband since 2009.

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  11. When I tried to explain to people how awful my son was/is they think I am kidding. No I am not kidding, he cried all night, me throws a fit about a broken cookie, will argue about anything and everything. He is 5 now and its getting better. But when I tried to tell people about cuteness being a defense mechanism nobody would look me in the eye and they all changed the topic. So glad I found you!

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  12. Have you ever used baby corral? Great and safe for the kids when mom is busy cleaning or cooking so they can play inside and at the same, you can easily watch them in the living room.

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I love hearing from you. It reinforces that writing this blog is not just a silly waste of my brain matter. If you leave a douche canoe comment, I will delete it. I am powerful like that.

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