Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Dear Victoria's Secret Models

Dear Victoria's Secret Models,

Please stop having children. Seriously. Stop. Stop wearing bikinis when you are 40 weeks pregnant. Stop saying you gave birth naturally in your bathtub and it was pain-free. Stop posting pictures of yourself breastfeeding. Stop saying bottle feeding should be illegal. Stop saying you did nothing to lose the weight but breastfeed. Stop running the catwalk six weeks after you give birth. Stop giving your idiotic opinions on child rearing.

Just stop.

Let us normal gals retain just a shred of our dignity after we have a baby by shutting the fuck up about your pregnancies and post-birth experiences/bodies. We get it. You have the genes of a God, never gained a pound while pregnant, shot the baby out like it was a fart and put on your size 0 jeans to go home from the hospital (oh wait, you bitches don't believe in hospitals). Us real women gain 50 pounds, go through hours of grueling labor just to end up with c-sections and pour ourselves into our PajamaJeans to head home from the hospital. So there.



From now on, stay at home with your Tom Bradys and Orlando Blooms from the minute the sperm meets the egg to about a year after your genetically blessed little darling hits high school.

Signed,

All the real moms who want to punch you in the vagina when you go out in a bikini at four weeks postpartum. Bitch.

14 comments:

  1. You bring me such joy in my life. Many thanks. :)

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    1. thanks. your blog is adorable. new follower.

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  2. One more- Stop claiming you potty trained your infant at six weeks! NO YOU F'ING DIDN'T!

    Sorry, I REALLY can't stand Mrs. Brady.

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    1. Dude I didn't see that one or I would've went ahead and crotch punched her myself

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  3. Crotch punch is fantastic. Not to drink. Sorry that was WRONG!!! Anyhoo, before you throw me off your blog like a bum in Tiffany's, great post. Visiting from Finding the Funny! Anyway VS, to die for bodies, but, hello! could those clothes be tackier? That's where I feel a little better.

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    Replies
    1. Girl, who is going to kick you off when I say vagina punch. Welcome!

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  4. Hahahaha... thank you for making my day! This is amazing- and couldn't be more true!

    I like beer and babies a lot, and I now like you a lot, too!

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  5. I've heard that many celebs/models actually have the baby sooner than they report so there is more time to recooperate from the devestation.

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  6. Um, yeah. I think God led me to this post today, as it is my oldest's 8th birthday and I STILL wouldn't dare to wear a bikini,...even after finally losing all the baby weight. I think I might just celebrate my stretch marks and flabby skin today. After all, they gave me the gift of my daughter...and with her came the gift to justify more alcohol intake.

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I love hearing from you. It reinforces that writing this blog is not just a silly waste of my brain matter. If you leave a douche canoe comment, I will delete it. I am powerful like that.

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