Thursday, February 7, 2013

My children have no morals.


Though I do what I can to raise my kids right, in the end, they have no morals.

They Lie
Me, "Did you draw on the cabinets?"
The Quiet Contemplator, "No."
Me, "Then why is there a marker in your hand that is the same color that is on the cabinets?"
TQC, "I don't know."
Me, "Did you use that marker to draw on the cabinets?"
TQC, "No."
Me, "Did you know how the marker got on the cabinets?"
TQC, "No."
Me, "If I stop asking you questions will you promise not to draw on the cabinets again?"
TQC, "No."
Me (Twitch, Twitch), "OK, we will agree to disagree, then."

They Cheat
Playing a game of Candyland or Chutes and Ladders with my 3-year-old is not fun. Or fair. That bitch cheats like it is her job. And I like to win. Everything. Ever. While playing, my daughter, who knows the rules and how to play, will wait until your back is turned and move her piece up 20 spaces. She then takes her next turn and says, "I win!" WTF? I quit! This game is RIGGED!

They Steal
My son is a fatty. He will do whatever he has to to get more food. That includes stealing from other children. Yes, my son commits larceny against BABIES. I am a fine mother. He once got up from his chair at school, went to the other side of the table, stole a little girl's bananas and got back to his seat, all while the teacher's back was turned. He is a sneaky little monkey.

They Commit Battery
About six times a day, I have to break up some sort of melee between my son and my daughter. They take any time alone together as a challenge to start a cage match. This would be great, if I could make a profit off of it. Unfortunately, all I get out of it is 20 minutes of one of them whimpering in my lap while the other taunts them from across the room. One time at school, my daughter even took a toy car and used it to haul off and hit the sweetest little girl in class in the face. Nice, kid. Nice.

They Covet
No matter what degree of awesome the toy is that they are currently playing with, my kids will immediately toss it aside to covet the toy a child near them has just picked up. My daughter could be playing with a live quadricorn made of glitter and cupcakes and she would throw it down the minute her brother picked up a turd so she could steal it from him. This is also true for colors of crayons in our house.

What about your kids? Are they perfect angels or one step away from San Quentin?


35 comments:

  1. My daughter lies. All.The.Time. Then she gets indignant when we don't believe her. She actually broke our computer by spilling a gallon of ice tea on it, left evidence everywhere (wadded up paper towels, sticky brown splotches, a broken computer), and then had the audacity to say she had nothing to do w/ it. I openly call my kids cheaters. And my kids would think twice about stealing food from a baby - easy prey.

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    1. I would say it was embarrassing if they didn't learn most of it from me...

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  2. Little scoundrels. Haha. My kid is also a total cheat, liar and thief. Oh, and a nark. She's just getting a grasp on the English language and she can already rat someone out faster than a cheetah runs.

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    1. We actually call my daughter Narc. We are horrible.

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  3. My daughter's top offenses are: battery against me and our dogs, stealing lip balms (so she can eat them), raiding the cabinets at our friends' houses (and stealing anything that is appealing to her) and stealing the sippie cup of every other kid she ever meets. I'm sure she will cheat at games as soon as she's old enough to play anything, definitely headed for San Quentin.

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    Replies
    1. This totally reminded me that both of my kids are horrible paci thieves. They don't even USE pacis!

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  4. My daughter lies all the time. She's really good at it too. I actually believe our cat is capable of writing my daughter's name all over the walls. Crafty little bastard--no opposable thumbs my ass.
    And I have teenagers.
    I am one step away from driving myself to prison and voluntarily serving a couple years. At least there's benefits to being someone's bitch there. ;)

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  5. Hubbs and I talk about if we should start college funds or bail funds, and then we laugh... but we are only half joking.

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    1. I always tell The Contemplator to be nice to her brother because she might need him to bail her out of jail someday.

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  6. My daughter likes to take other babies bottles. She hasn't had a bottle since she was 11 months (she just turned 2)!!

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  7. My daughter can lie her butt off - I can't imagine how good she's going to be when she's 16. I'm afraid, very afraid.

    My favorite line of the post >> "playing with a live quadricorn made of glitter and cupcakes" omg - so funny, just laughed out loud (again)!

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  8. Everyone says my children are "so sweet." I continually tell people they don't know what the hell they're talking about, but they think I'm nuts. My parents have finally realized that my 5-year-old daughter is a manipulative little shit and my 3-year-old son is an asshole. I've told them the newborn has his brother's asshole-ish tendencies, but everyone's all, "he's so adorable and cuddly and blahblahblah!" I invite them to spend a night with him. No takers yet.

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  9. I don't have kids yet but I was a terrible child. At least she waits till you turn your back in Candy Land, I would draw a card I didn't like and immediately put in on the bottom. I am in Law School now and my parents said they saw my sneaky lawyer tendencies even as a child. I would bet my brother and pay him in monopoly money as he did not specify American Dollars or require him to meet me at 2am in the hallway if I said he would pay me in the morning :)

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    Replies
    1. Ha. You can represent me anytime you sneaky bitch.

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  10. I love that picture. It is the best thing ever and made my morning.

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  11. I cannot even BEGIN to tell you how hard I laughed while reading this. Like seriously slapped my leg, almost in tears laughed SO hard. Then I called my old man over to show him and laughed even harder until he told me to calm down... Which let me tell you, is impossible after reading some brilliance like that!!

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    Replies
    1. After further reading of your blog, I am quite certain that I love you, too. Lmao!

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    2. The poop stool post didn't turn you off?

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    3. HELL NO! I have 3 kiddies of my own who all tore me the hell up in their own special way. I don't think it's possible to "turn me off." LOL

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  12. This and the "boobies" post is one of your best for sure. And yeah my kid cheats ALL the time! Snakes and ladders where the snake means he can go up and down at his leasure! Stick to the rules kids it us parents will spit in your food! ...while you are looking!!!

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  13. The Littlest Brewster has only been in the toddler room for a week and we've already been "talked to" about her stealing snacks from the other kids.

    Granted, I can't say that I blame her - I'd pick the 'Nilla Wafers over a banana too!

    But it makes me nervous for the future...

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  14. Mine hits me/kicks me/pinches me... and then laughs. I'm afraid that I may be raising a sociopath....

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  15. My oldest (3) is a paci stealer & he also never took one. He is also a champion toy picker upper when he doesn't want to share. The rest of the time he looks at me like I am speaking in tongues when I tell him to clean up :)

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I love hearing from you. It reinforces that writing this blog is not just a silly waste of my brain matter. If you leave a douche canoe comment, I will delete it. I am powerful like that.

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