Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Mexico has no idea what is about to hit it...

So me and Motherhood: A Descent Into Madness met via the blogosphere and have fallen madly in love (awesomesauce, crazy mama, alcohol-based love, not Chasing Amy love, sickos). As a result, we have decided to meet in person. Not in a feeling-out-the-crazy-slowly-over-chai-lattes sort of way. 

No, we are going balls to the wall and taking a trip to Mexico for our first hullabaloo. That's right. Three nights, in a foreign country, staying in a hotel room that has its own liquor dispensers hanging from the wall.

Totally sane, right? No? You are just jellies! Hater. She totally is not going to stab me in my sleep. Right? RIGHT? Right.

Anyway, in an attempt to at least sort of know what we are getting ourselves into, we formed this questionnaire in the same way I do things with my kids, in the eat, sleep, poop order (booze is not apropro with the kiddies, so that comes later.) Both of our answers are below.

A little bit more about moi:

Eat:
Do you dig on swine? 
My favorite poem:
Roses are red.
Bacon is also red.
Poems are hard.
Bacon.

Eat dairy? 
Milk with ice in it is my favorite hangover cure. Sorry if that makes you dry heave.

Consume more calories than a lumberjack? Oh, yes. I eat a lot. I mean a whole lot. Especially when drunk or hungover. The amount of food I can take down could also lead to you dry heaving. Sorry.

Actually eat? See above.
Favorite cuisine? Mexican and Italian. And anything fried with cheese. Mmmm…cheese sticks.

Are you allergic to anything other than David Hasselhoff's chest hair? 
Bees, but I will try not to eat them. Though I did almost swallow one that was in my beer once. While on a boat. In the middle of a lake. With no epi pen. My friend Danimal said he would have totally trached me with a Bic pen if needed though, so I was cool.

Sleep:
Do you have any weird sleeping habits? 
I use ear plugs and sleep in a weird position that I once read in a magazine is called the "flamingo". Also, the last time I was in New Orleans, I had a dreamed that I was trapped in a sealed closet with no light and a person came by to tell me in a super creepy voice that I would never escape. Needless to say, I woke up drenched in sweat and COMPLETELY freaking out. But that totally won't happen this time…

The only other nightmares I have are that spiders are falling on me from the ceiling. So if you see me clawing at the air and saying "get away!" it is just me battling the imaginary spiders. Just roll over and leave me to defeat their legion of webbed minions.

Night owl, morning person or both? 
Both. With the right amount of alcohol and douchebaggery, I can easily be swayed to stay up well past my usual 9 p.m. bedtime, but I still usually wake up at the buttcrack. Sorry. I promise to head to the gym or local cheese stick joint if I wake up at 6 a.m.

Poop:
Any medical conditions I need to know about (IBS is a serious medical condition, BTW)? 
Nope. I doubt my hippothyroidism will cause any problems worse than my fat ass splitting my pants on the dance floor, so we are all set.

Do you have excessive flatulence? 
Not regularly, but let's be honest, stinky farts and hangovers go hand in hand. So, all we really need to do is get on the same page with poo spray. Are you for it or against it? I am against it unless it is one of those ozone ones that doesn't actually have a smell. The sweet smelling ones just make it smell like you took a poop in the middle of the floor then decided to cover it up with rose petals. Great, now I am dry heaving.

Booze:
What is your alcohol tolerance level? 
First off, I am German. Second off, I went to Southern Illinois University. Let's just say, in a drinking contest, I would make Russell Crowe look like a gigantic pussy.

What is your booze of choice? 
Beer or wine. Not much of a mixed drinker but I do like margaritas.

Are you a puker? 
I have a cast iron stomach. I won't go into how much alcohol I can consume without ralphing, but it would probably make and Irishman cry.

What are your hangovers like? 
Not bad, though I am not as in practice as I used to be. The best cure is just to start the shampoo effect by having a hair of the dog. Plus, I am bringing my zofran from morning sickness and a gigantic bottle of Tylenol, so we will be all set.

Can you rally when needed? 
Fuck yes! See above.

Do you like dancing/karaoke/shots? 
Yes. Yes. and Yes. Though doing all three in combination could lead to me being arrested. Or an internet superstar. Hello, YouTube!

Are you a belligerent or violent drunk? 
No and no. I am an obnoxious drunk, but that is just a matter of taste.

Misc.:
Do you shower regularly and use deodorant? 
Yes, except for Sundays. In my family that is a holy day called, "No shower Sundays". This does not apply on vacations though and deodorant is always allowed.

Beatles or Stones? 
Depends on my mood, really. Let's give this the college test, shall we? If I was smoking' in my dorm room, Beatles; if I was wasted at a frat party, Stones.

Roth or Hagar? 
Roth for original music, Hagar for a live performance. Cabo Wabo, baby.

You're getting called up to the plate, what is your at-bat song? 
 Black Betty by Ram Jam. Hands down.

Are you going to try to kill/molest me in my sleep? 
No and no, though I already warned you that I like to feel boobs when I get drunk, as documented here.


A little bit about Motherhood: A Descent Into Madness:

Eat:
Do you dig on swine?
Bacon is the best thing in the world. However, if you have a personal problem with it, I will abstain out of respect for you. Fuck that, no I won't. I'll be in the closet, shoveling it down with both hands like a raging baconholic.

Eat dairy?
I eat and drink dairy. I eat and drink most things, except smelly cheese, deer and lamb and other weird creatures. As a side note, I do not drink my piss (seriously, people do that). I know, WTF? Why did I even bring that up? Answer: I don't know, really. My mind is very random.

Consume more calories than a lumberjack?
I have a very healthy appetite. I eat as much as or more than my husband. When we go out to eat, he knows to let me scavenger hunt on his plate before letting the server take it or I'll kick him in the balls.

Actually eat?
See above. I am a fucking pig.

Favorite cuisine?
I could not even begin to answer that question. I like it ALL. Except for pig balls and monkey brains, weird shit like that.

Are you allergic to anything other than David Hasselhoff's chest hair?
*GAG* Do asshole people count? Otherwise, no.

Sleep:
Do you have any weird sleeping habits?
No. I sleep. I may wake up to pee. Then I go back to sleep. I like to sleep on my side with a body pillow or something in between my knees. I like to nap when I can because I pretty much shut down if I get too tired. But I'll be so excited to be out of the country and away from my kids that I'll probably be okay not napping.

Night owl, morning person or both?
What is a "morning person?" They sound like a goddamn freak. I am a night owl. I prefer to go to bed late and sleep late. But since having kids, I have been forced out of that schedule and am somewhat flexible. However: if you wake me up at 6 a.m., I'll kick you in the balls.

Poop:
Any medical conditions I need to know about (IBS is a serious medical condition, BTW)?
I have no medical conditions that will impact you or this trip. But I will make sure the hotel has plenty of toilet paper for your IBS.

Do you have excessive flatulence?
No, but if I have to fart, I will go into the bathroom like a fucking lady.
Who are we kidding with all this? Between the water, food, and excessive drinking, we're going to be like the scene in Bridesmaids where one is on the pot and the other is on the sink. I call the sink, only so I can scream at you to "LOOK AWAY!" And, so I can have the esteemed honor of having shit in a sink. We should probably pack some room spray.

Booze:
What is your alcohol tolerance level?
I probably shouldn't specify, but trust me when I say that it's extremely high. I will not crap out on you after a few bottles of champagne - for me. I'm German. I take milk thistle for my liver. I wash it down with vodka or wine.

What is your booze of choice?
Vodka or champagne. Rum works, too.
Are you a puker?
Not since college. No, I wasn't bulimic. Just growing my alcohol tolerance level. And yes, I will hold your hair back for you and keep your face out of the piss and garbage when you are puking in the gutter on our way back to the hotel. But if you shit your pants, you're on your own. Just kidding. I'd even help you then. Occasionally, very occasionally, when I drink too much, I get these vasovagal responses, where I get dizzy and feel super, SUPER sick and sweat like I'm dying. Probably because I'm actually close to dying. I just go lie on the cool bathroom floor for a while, then I'm all better.

What are your hangovers like?
I just want to sleep, and then eat carby, disgusting food to make my nausea go away and drink a couple of gallons of water.

Can you rally when needed?
What exactly do you mean by "rally". If some dude tries to rape you, I'll fucking kill him with my bare hands and a stick or whatever else is laying around. But I won't get in a bar fight with you. However, if you're talking about you waking me up at 3 in the morning to go drink some more, fuck yeah, I'll rally.

Do you like dancing/karaoke/shots?
I like dancing, hate karaoke, shots, meh. Maybe here or there. I'll watch you karaoke, though. And laugh my ass off.

Are you a belligerent or violent drunk?
Nope. Just totally obnoxious (more than usual) and swear more than usual, too. I hate belligerent, violent drunks. Dealt with them when I worked in a jail. Over it.

Misc.:
Do you shower regularly and use deodorant?
Yes and yes, and I hope you do, too, because I have a SERIOUS ISSUE with bad smells.
Beatles or Stones?
Mmm. I don't know. Not really into either. ...I KNOW. *Cowering in shame.* No, I'm not. I don't give a shit.
Roth or Hagar?
Not a huge Van Halen fan, either.

You're getting called up to the plate, what is your at-bat song?
That is so hard to pick. "Cum on Feel The Noize" by Quiet Riot, or "Live Wire," "Kickstart My Heart" or "Wild Side" by Motley Crue, or "Hero" by Ministry. TOTAL METALHEAD HERE.

Are you going to try to kill/molest me in my sleep?
First off, no I'm not going to kill you in your sleep. Everyone knows we'll be together so that would just be dumb. However, I AM going to follow you home and live in your attic and slowly eat mad amounts of Chinese food while watching your every move. Especially in the bathroom.
Nor am I going to molest you. I heart cock, according to what my husband lovingly writes on my face in pictures; I'm not into the pootang. And I beg of you not to kill or molest me, either.

Here's what you need to know about me. My big secret: I'm insanely vain. Not because I'm beautiful or anything, but just because I am weird. And to top it off, the camera hates me. SO. I only have one condition. PLEASE let me approve any photos before you post them on the internet. Out of 700 pictures we may take, I'll probably only approve of like, 5, but please throw me this bone. We cool? Blood oath? Knuckles? Fist bump? Super secret handshake?

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