Over the last year, I have been less than a stellar mother. I have been through a lot, and put my kids through a lot as a result. Is it something that I could have changed? No. I did everything I could to be the best mom I could at the time, but losing my brother, my best friend, family issues, a new house, money worries and everything else that comes with everyday life was just more than I could handle. I lost my shit on my myself. I lost my shit on my husband. And I lost my shit on my kids. A lot. More than they ever deserved. And I couldn't help it. No matter how hard I tried.
As a whole, I can say that I often feel like a hollow shell of the person I once was. I feel exhausted, alone, ugly, etc. I look back at old pictures of myself and think, "Wow. Who was that vibrant, beautiful girl?" Because she is most certainly not the same lass that I see in the mirror now. The mirror now unveils a beaten woman with under-eye bags that sag farther than her boobs do. I often feel alone. All the way to my soul. I share this because I think maybe all mothers feel like this. At least sometimes. We all feel tired. And ugly. And alone. And lose our shit now and then.
But I am getting better. Little by little. Day by day. And I am starting to find all of my shit that I lost. And feel whole again. There will always be days when I lose it again. But for now, I am holding on to it a little tighter every day and losing it less and less often. And it will keep being a struggle. But I will keep fighting.
In general, this year has made me wonder: why are all women so hard on themselves? I think that we are all so hard on ourselves because we put too much pressure on ourselves. To never be less than perfect. To never let anything get us down. To never make any mistakes with our kids. To never be human.
As mothers, especially, we feel the need to be super human. We want to be all things to all people at all times and when we fall short, we feel like failures. We have so much to do and so little time that there is no way we can not fall short. Not only do we feel the need to be everything to everyone, but we feel we should never show our real emotions. We shouldn't let people know that we are sad, or angry, or depressed, or…real. But we are real. And we do get sad. And angry. And depressed. And that is OK. In fact, it is more than OK. It is normal.
For anyone out there feeling alone, sad, angry or ANYTHING, just know
that I love you. Be kind to yourself. Because even when you feel
invisible and like no one in the world cares, I do. I care. And if I
could send you a kitten and have it not die in transit, I would.