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Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Baby Registry 101 (What you should really register for)

Boppys, bibs, bassinets, breast pumps, Baby Bjorns, bottles, etc. Though we register for a ton of crap for our babies, we often neglect to register for anything that will really help mama. In hindsight, here is what I would have put on my baby registry.

Funny Baby Ecard: You got me another Diaper Genie? How thoughtful! (commence hysterical crying).

Maid Service
Your house is about to look like an F5 tornado hit it at all times. So register for a maid service. That way you won't have to bend over to clean the spilled breast milk off the floor, straining your episiotomy stitches. You're welcome.

Even great health insurance doesn't usually cover them in full, so have your friends hook you up with some happy pills before your bouncing bundle of joy even arrives. You will thank me later (even if you don't end up needing them. just having them near might have a placebo effect).

Because you are going to need something to wash those antidepressants and nights of endless crying (both yours and the baby's) down with, aren't you? Register for the box. It is easier to pour yourself a glass straight from the tap. Trust me, it is just impossible to uncork a bottle while holding the baby.

Soon the thought of spending just one more second with your amazing little baby is going to make you want to punch a kitten. You are going to need to take a step back so you can move forward as the awesome mom you are. So have a "break in case of emergency" sitter on tap. That someone else has already paid for. So you don't have to feel like shit staying out for just one. more. beer.

Trips to Get Away
Somewhat related to the above, but for more than just a few hours. Because when you have a chance to get away for a while and actually miss your baby, you will be a better mommy. And since you won't have to use your beer diaper money to pay for it, you will be more likely to actually do it. Good god what I wouldn't give to have this in the arsenal right now!

New Clothes for Mama
Your baby is going to be rocking the latest trends of' life. You, on the other hand, are still going to be sporting your maternity yoga pants for the next 12 years. But if your friends are nice enough to pony up cash for some new duds for mama instead of a pair of baby Uggs, you might actually be able to go out in public and not feel shame about your stained college t-shirt.

Weight Watchers Membership
Let's face it: the baby weight isn't going to lose itself. And a lettuce-only diet is only cool if you are a rabbit. So having your Weight Watchers membership ready and rearing when you are ready to put down the congratulatory cake will be kick ass.

Gym Membership
Because mama needs to get her cardio on just as much as baby needs to get its diaper changed. Be sure to pick one with childcare so you can go even if you are shackled to your kiddo 24-7, 365. Mom's just working on her fitness. Baby's her witness.

Meal Services
There are a lot of places that make meals for you. They are godsends. Meals made ahead will come in handy when your kid and husband are screaming at you for food and you haven't had time to take a shower or go to the bathroom all day, let alone through put some Shake in that Bake.

Hemorrhoid Cream
Whether you need it right after pushing your little pumpkin out, or are lucky enough to wait until the toddler years when you will never are able to go to the loo alone, you will need it. Trust me. Because, let's face it: kids are a pain in the ass that will cause you a pain in the ass.

Birth Control
Because motherfuck do you not want to pull a Tori or a Jessica and get pregnant again right away. Whatever your method of choice, have your friends hook you up and have it on the ready once you pop that baby out.

What about you, mamas? What would you add to this list?


  1. Hells to the yeah on the damn cream..... Ahhhh.... cooling gel......

  2. I just found your blog and am dying laughing over this list. I am currently pregnant with my first baby and the hubs and I went to register yesterday; while wandering through the store, we couldn't help but think that baby registering is such a racket. How does one little human being need so much expensive stuff?! Your list is more practical and makes much more sense than what the store said I'll need ;o)

    1. Thanks! Be sure to look up my registry tips! And Babies r Us is EVIL!

  3. So true. The only thing I would add is Starbucks gift cards or a very fancy at home coffee maker. Sometimes, its the only way to get through the day after (a) the sleepless nights and (b) copious amounts of wine consumed.

    1. and I would add this but I am naturally caffeinated so it would just make me have a stroke or something.

  4. A box of condoms bc if you can find timeto squeeze in a squeeze you are definitely not going to want to get yourself knocked up again already.

  5. well, i don't drink. i fought fiercely with my inlaws about trying to take my child away when she was a baby (husband only child) and kept her on the boob till she left for college cause i couldn't pump and they couldn't feed her lol. neither child ever had a bottle - of anything! my meds came during the late elem/early middle school time. we never used birth control! breast feeding was birth control with the first and when i quit at 14 months i had like one period right away and then got pregnant with the man child and had my tubes tied. (almost 21 years of marriage without a condom or bc! ironically, i am taking bc now for pre menopause symptoms lol) when the kids were little my husband worked evenings and me and the kids went to my parents house every night for dinner for years lol our house was super old and crusty and it didn't take much housekeeping when they were small. i would love to have the hk now!!!! i am a country girl and didn't work until my kids went to middle school - so the dress code was jeans/shorts and tees. i hate to shop, so if i find something good like jeans, i buy 4 or 5 pair and wear them till you can read through them! and as for the weight - i come from a long line of weeble people! i just told my husband today that i weigh more than most of the offensive line of most football teams and i could pick the wide recievers and running backs up and carry them in my ass crack. do i like being fat, nah - am i gonna do anything about it - nah! lol i am telling you girls - things change as you get older. there will come a day when you don't know where your kids are and what they are doing and you really won't give a rats ass as long as they arent bothering you lol lol lol

    1. When I first read this I thought you were saying you breasted your kids until they left for college. Yikes! Hahahaha.

  6. and the hemorroids - i work in a hospital and sometimes in outpatient surgery. i would love to have them removed, but i would hate to think that one of my fave surgeons and my coworkers have seen my ass! i do however remind my son from time to time that he really was a pain in the ass!

    you forgot to add tube socks for the stretchy boobs you get from breastfeeding lol lol lol

  7. lol, Hemorrhoid cream - by the CASE full!


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