Tuesday, February 5, 2013

I am an awesome mom...sometimes.

Some days, I am Wonder Mom. I float in off my perfect mommy cloud and sprinkle fairy dust and Twinkies all over my kids. But most days, I am exhausted and just want to get my kids out of my hair long enough to take a crap by myself. Here are some great examples of how I react to certain situations, based on what kind of mom I am that day.

Getting Ready for School

Wonder Mom
Let's pick out your outfit for school. What do you want to wear today? What fun things do you think you will do with your friends at school? Oh, that sounds so fun! Isn't school awesome!?!  

Blunder Mom
Sit still while I put this on. I don't care that you want to wear that instead. Now get your ass in the car. We're late.


Arts and Crafts

Wonder Mom
Let's get out the paint and go crazy. Maybe we can make something for you to send to grandma. Sure! We can use glitter! Why not?

Blunder Mom
Here are some crayons. Don't let your brother eat them.


Watching Television
 

Wonder Mom
Let's put on your Max costume and watch Were the Wild Things Are while we snuggle on the couch together.

Blunder Mom
Here, I turned on Yo Gabba Gabba. Now please don't ask me for anything for at least 20 minutes.


Making Dinner
 

Wonder Mom
Do you want to help me make dinner? Let's make pasta. Can you help me fill the pot up with water? Ok, now pour the sauce into the pan. Let's cut up some veggies for a salad. You are such a good helper.

Blunder Mom
I got you a Happy Meal. Eat it.


Telling My Daughter Her Dreams Before Bed
 

Wonder Mom
You will be a princess in an enchanted castle filled with unicorns that are made of cupcakes. All of your friends will be there and you will dance and play and have so much fun.

Blunder Mom
You will eat lots of cookies and have so much fun. Now go to sleep.


What about you? What are your Wonder/Blunder Mom moments?


30 comments:

  1. I'm only on my first coffee, so I don't have any fun examples for you yet, but I had to tell you I loved this and it sounds just like me.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Ditto to Jenn's comment. I think you covered most of my bases- especially on the crafts. I have a whole drawer of ideas and several drawers of supplies, but I'll be damned if this little one makes me too exhausted to get all that shit out for the big one's oh-so-cutesy craft project. "Here's a dry erase board- now practice writing your sight words while I figure out how to get this hardened oatmeal 'mask' out of the dogs fur! And watch your bother!!"

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My husband may get an educational bone after reading the words "sight words" here.

      Delete
  3. Playground Mom

    Wonder Mom
    Yay! The playground! Sure, I'll chase you around. Push you on the swings for an hour, great! I have nutritious snacks ready when you get hungry. This is so much fun!

    Blunder Mom
    Go play. I'm goi g to sit on the bench and read blogs on my phone.

    ReplyDelete
  4. When taking care of a sick child...
    Wonder Mom:
    "Oh you are so brave! What a good job you are doing! See? You are a big boy!"

    Blunder Mom
    "If you can't keep the thermometer in your mouth, I am going to have to take your temperature in your bum... just like your sister. Think on that, Little Man."

    ReplyDelete
  5. Watching TV (part 2)

    Wonder Mom: Let's watch Sesame Street and practice counting and colors!

    Blunder Mom: Let's watch Price is Right. It has numbers and colors.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Bedtime Routine:
    Wonder Mom:
    "It's time to brush your teeth my Darling! Let's sing the tooth brushing song. Remember to open wide and scrub those back teeth - oral health is very important! Now off its off to bed! Let's change your clothes while we talk about all the wonderful and educational things you did today. Now let's Talk to Jesus and thank Him for all the wonderful things in your life. Yes, sweetheart, I will rock you, cherishing these precious moments when you are still small enough for me to hold. I will swing sweet lullabies to you while you nod off to dreamland and kiss tenderly on the forehead"
    Blunder Mom:
    "YES, it IS time to brush your teeth. I don't care if you go limp in protest I will drag you there if I have to. Open your mouth... open your mouth... open your motuh... OPEN your mouth! Yes you have have to wear a diaper to bed... why? Because you absolutely refuse to use the damn potty that's why. Sit still.... sit still.... sit still... SIT STILL! Yes, Thank you Jesus for toes, and shadows... and Mommy's toes and Daddy's toes and the cat's toes... and octopusses and bananas and... you know what - that's enough talking to Jesus tonight, m'kay? No, Mommy can't rock you more... why? because you are bloody heavy and my back is killing me that's why. Okay one more minute... okay one more lullaby. Now night night... night night... night night... night NIGHT!" 5 minutes later "No you cannot have another kiss - you only get 10... now night night!"

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Um...yep! Sounds exactly like a night in my house. Just reading "brush your teeth" made my eye twitch.

      Delete
  7. Pick Up From Pre-School

    Wonder Mom: I missed you so much! How was your day? What did you learn? Did you go outside? I LOVE the page you colored for me.

    Blunder Mom: Be quiet. I want to listen to the radio.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Lunch:

    Wonder Mom:
    Look at all the yummy foods we have! Carrots, apples, chicken, pasta! Let's practice our colors as we eat! Can you say "yummy"?

    Blunder Mom:

    *tosses handful of Cheerios on the floor* Go wild.

    ReplyDelete
  9. fixing/packing daily meals

    wonder mom:
    breakfast: oatmeal with sliced banana sprinkled with cinnamon
    lunch: fresh steamed veggies and broiled salmon brushed w/olive oil
    dinner: peas, sliced black olives and chicken
    Snacks: organic yogurt, steamed carrots and sliced fruit

    blunder mom:
    breakfast: Pb&j
    lunch: squeeze packs (2, any earth's best or happy tot)
    dinner: any leftover he'll eat or mac n cheese
    snacks: cheerios (possibly stale he found in playpen)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hahaha, that's how I feel, until I drop him off at my mom's and get a *gentle* reminder a superhero mom stays home w/her kids. Also kids don't want to eat the same meal the next day and she made some delicious from scratch vegetarian stew she's gonna feed him instead...

      Delete
  10. Going to the store:

    Wonder mom:
    Let's go to the store, kiddos! Of course we can go play in the toy section for a half hour and spend another half hour looking at all the fish in the pet section. What's that two year old monster boy? You want to get down and run around? Sure, just stay close to mommy and don't run into anyone!

    Blunder mom:
    Boy! You better get back here! That's it, you're going in the cart because I can't take you running into everyone because you aren't paying attention. I don't care that you're throwing a fit and everyone is looking at me like I just hit you. No, we aren't going to look at toys, you have 8 million at home. No, you have a fish at home also, look at that one. Can I just get my damn groceries and go home already!?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Every. Damn. Time. we go to Target! Minus the fish, of course.

      Delete
  11. Wonder Mom:
    Let's look at books together! And play with your barnyard animals! here are the words for your animals in sign language and Spanish. And the noises they make. And what their babies are called. yay! So much fun!

    Blunder Mom:
    Here's my ipod touch with some toddler apps. I taped a dime over the home button so you can't exit out. Have fun while I knit/ go on facebook/ do work.

    ReplyDelete
  12. damn, everything I can think of falls into the "Blunder Mom" category.

    I taught my 4 year old how to use the remote so she could watch as much TV as she wanted.

    what? It's all Nick Jr. - that shit is educational.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Oh man, I tend to lean toward the blunder side. Breakfast: Wonder Mom: Who wants hot, homemade waffles with REAL maple syrup? Blunder Mom: Here's the oatmeal, you know how to use the microwave. I'll be over here on Twitter if there's an emergency.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Bedtime story:

    Wonder (Awake) Mom: Hey! Let's read some bedtime stories! Why don't you pick out your 5 favorite Dr. Seuss books. Make sure you bring me "Fox In Sox" so I can do the tongue twisters. Oh, and get the Sponge Bob book so I can do all the voices the way you like!

    Blunder (Tired) Mom: You want Lucky Charms for a bedtime snack? Let's read the box.

    ReplyDelete

I love hearing from you. It reinforces that writing this blog is not just a silly waste of my brain matter. If you leave a douche canoe comment, I will delete it. I am powerful like that.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...