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Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Ways toddler parties are like college parties

My parties weren't always filled with screaming toddlers and balloon animals. They used to feature drunken co-eds and cold kegs. But the more and more parties I have, the more I see how similar college parties are to toddler parties.

Before: You drank Jungle Juice
After: They drink juice boxes

There may no longer be a bathtub full of Jungle Juice for you to pillage with your plastic cup, but there now is a cooler filled with juice boxes. We hydrate like gangsters in our crib, yo.

Funny Baby Ecard: Watch out, bitches. I have<br />had three juice boxes<br />and I ain't stopping<br />anytime soon.

Before: You partied 'til you puked
After: Somebody is puking, that's for sure

Though the piles are now smaller and less smelly, they are still just as plentiful. There may not be an underage girl hurling in our closet anymore, but there are still tons of shorties tossing their cookies (and milk) at our parities.

Before: You had to listen to music that made your ears bleed
After: You have to listen to music that makes your ears bleed

Where once the sounds of pulsating techno music made you want to punch a kitten, now the harmonies of Yo Gabba Gabba and Sesame Street do the same. Though the two genres are vastly different, they are still similarly irritating.

Before: You stayed up until the sun came up
After: They stay up way past their bedtime

College doesn't come with a bedtime, but if it did, every. single. party. would have ended well after it. I saw the sun rise while walking home from a party more times than I can count. Our toddler parties may not rage that late, but everyone surely misses their regular bedtime and surely does get crabby as hell as a result.

Funny Baby Ecard: Yeah. We know it's past our bedtimes.<br />What are you<br />gonna do<br />about it, pussy?

Before: Someone passed out and peed on your couch
After: They don't have to be asleep to pee on your couch

There may actually be more pee at my parties than there ever was in college. I have had pee on my living room rug, bathroom walls, couch, you name it. Toddlers have no manners.

Before: There was always some drunk girl crying
After: Everybody cries at some point (even Mommy)

There was always that one girl, that drank too much and cried over nothing at every party. Now, my parties pretty much consist of every participant being that girl. God, babies are such babies sometimes.

Before: Somebody got lucky
After: Everyone gets lucky. Didn't you hear there was free juice?

No one is having sex in my bathroom anymore, but everyone who comes to my parties nowadays gets lucky. They usually score some sweet swag, like juice, and the holy grail of toddlers: STICKERS!

Before: Somebody showed their boobs
After: At least one mama has to whip one out

It may not be like Mardi Gras up in our parties anymore, but there is a pretty good chance you will get a peek at a nipple at some point. Hey, a baby's gotta eat!

Funny Baby Ecard: It's not a party until<br />someone whips out a<br />boob.

Before: You woke up the next day to the house completely trashed
After: You wake up the next day to the house completely trashed

The aftermath of my parties might just be worse now than before, when 50 wasted college kids trashed it. At least the college kids didn't wipe their boogers all over my new chair, smear pudding all over my walls and smash cookies into every orifice of my house. Bastards.

Before: You would get a raging hangover the next day from all the booze
After: Your kids are crabby as hell the next day from all the sugar

Good god. The sugar hangover. It could take down any booze hangover in a fistfight any day. Because you can mend the hooch hangover with cheese sticks and aspirin, but the toddler sugar hangover WILL NOT BE SILENCED!


  1. Ah, the drunken passed-out peeing... I *may* have been notorious for that.

    To the point that after one particularly rowdy party my then-boyfriend, now-husband busted out the plastic fitted sheet.

    That's when I knew he was a keeper.

  2. I voted - there's no trying to fool anyone though. You are hilarious. And these comparisons you make are so true. I would add though, that I have spent WAY more money on my freakin' kids' parties than any college party. WTF is that about?

  3. Love this! This describes me and my sisters perfectly!!

    1. I don't believe the former about you and your sweet sisters. I don't believe any of you would pee on my couch.

  4. At the end of my son's Halloween party, the house was TRASHED. My genius friend called all the kids over to play "Magic Kingdom." He wore a tutu on his head as a crown, and called out the rules of Magic Kingdom. The first rule was to jump up and down. The second was to put away three toys. The third was to sing the alphabet song. The fourth was to throw away one piece of trash... You get the idea. At the end, the house was clean, and all the kids were tired. I HIGHLY recommend it!

  5. You didn't mention the pants-shitting... or was it just at the college parties I went to where that happened at least once or twice in my college-partying career...? (It wasn't me, by the way.)

    1. Haaa... no seriously, want to know how you can know for sure it wasn't me? I actually talked about it. If I did something so embarrassing as that, it would be in my vault, never to be spoken of. There, you learned something about me today.

  6. Well those are a lot of similarities. one thing that is very different, is I look forward to a college party, I can't say the same about a toddler party...


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