Ways toddler parties are like college parties

My parties weren't always filled with screaming toddlers and balloon animals. They used to feature drunken co-eds and cold kegs. But the more and more parties I have, the more I see how similar college parties are to toddler parties.

Before: You drank Jungle Juice
After: They drink juice boxes

There may no longer be a bathtub full of Jungle Juice for you to pillage with your plastic cup, but there now is a cooler filled with juice boxes. We hydrate like gangsters in our crib, yo.

Before: You partied 'til you puked
After: Somebody is puking, that's for sure

Though the piles are now smaller and less smelly, they are still just as plentiful. There may not be an underage girl hurling in our closet anymore, but there are still tons of shorties tossing their cookies (and milk) at our parities.


Before: You had to listen to music that made your ears bleed
After: You have to listen to music that makes your ears bleed

Where once the sounds of pulsating techno music made you want to punch a kitten, now the harmonies of Yo Gabba Gabba and Sesame Street do the same. Though the two genres are vastly different, they are still similarly irritating.

Before: You stayed up until the sun came up
After: They stay up way past their bedtime

College doesn't come with a bedtime, but if it did, every. single. party. would have ended well after it. I saw the sun rise while walking home from a party more times than I can count. Our toddler parties may not rage that late, but everyone surely misses their regular bedtime and surely does get crabby as hell as a result.

Before: Someone passed out and peed on your couch
After: They don't have to be asleep to pee on your couch

There may actually be more pee at my parties than there ever was in college. I have had pee on my living room rug, bathroom walls, couch, you name it. Toddlers have no manners.


Before: There was always some drunk girl crying
After: Everybody cries at some point (even Mommy)

There was always that one girl, that drank too much and cried over nothing at every party. Now, my parties pretty much consist of every participant being that girl. God, babies are such babies sometimes.


Before: Somebody got lucky
After: Everyone gets lucky. Didn't you hear there was free juice?

No one is having sex in my bathroom anymore, but everyone who comes to my parties nowadays gets lucky. They usually score some sweet swag, like juice, and the holy grail of toddlers: STICKERS!

Before: Somebody showed their boobs
After: At least one mama has to whip one out

It may not be like Mardi Gras up in our parties anymore, but there is a pretty good chance you will get a peek at a nipple at some point. Hey, a baby's gotta eat!

Before: You woke up the next day to the house completely trashed
After: You wake up the next day to the house completely trashed

The aftermath of my parties might just be worse now than before, when 50 wasted college kids trashed it. At least the college kids didn't wipe their boogers all over my new chair, smear pudding all over my walls and smash cookies into every orifice of my house. Bastards.


Before: You would get a raging hangover the next day from all the booze
After: Your kids are crabby as hell the next day from all the sugar

Good god. The sugar hangover. It could take down any booze hangover in a fistfight any day. Because you can mend the hooch hangover with cheese sticks and aspirin, but the toddler sugar hangover WILL NOT BE SILENCED!