You want to know what my problem is with Lance Armstrong blood doping? That that asshole didn't share. I have to get myself and the kids ready in the morning, drop them off at school, work a full day, come home and cook dinner, coax my kids to eat said dinner, clean up after dinner, entertain the kids until bath time, give the kids a bath, get them ready for bed, read The Pout Pout Fish 15 times, tuck the kids into bed, start the laundry, get the kids back into bed, clean the house, get the kids back into bed again, and then stagger into bed, myself. And I don't get shit.
I mean, all Lance has to do is slip one testicle into some biker shorts and ride a 10-speed all day. He can pay people to do the rest. And HE is the one that gets performance enhancing drugs? That is some bullshit. I need me some blood doping. I think it would greatly enhance my mommy performance. This is me on drugs:
Instead of it taking me at least a week to get the laundry done because I have to haul that shit down to the basement and back for every load (plus, the TV is near the machine, and the TV is shiny) I now hand-wash, dry, fold and put all of the laundry away in under 5 minutes (I am working on shaving some time off of that).
Wow, are we saving on gas now that I am doping. Instead of strapping the kids into car seats and putting the pedal to the medal, now I just strap those puppies to my back and mush their asses to school. Your welcome, environment.
Now that all I consume is other people's red blood cells, providing for my family is so much easier. I just launch Goldfish crackers at them and they catch them in their mouths like trained seals.
Please. The second a Cheerio even thinks about
hitting the floor I am on that shit like the Matrix. No need to clean
when nothing gets dirty.
Since I started doping, I don't even need to put The Cool Cucumber in diapers anymore. The minute I sense he is about to drop a deuce, I just Flash Gordon him through the house and onto the pot. No fuss, no muss.
Who needs bedtime? I am now so hopped up on red blood cells I don't even care if my children sleep. Because I never do. I just wait for them to drop to the floor out of sheer exhaustion and throw a blanket over them where they lay. It has completely eliminated the stress of bedtime.