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Thursday, January 24, 2013

I think I need to start blood doping

You want to know what my problem is with Lance Armstrong blood doping? That that asshole didn't share. I have to get myself and the kids ready in the morning, drop them off at school, work a full day, come home and cook dinner, coax my kids to eat said dinner, clean up after dinner, entertain the kids until bath time, give the kids a bath, get them ready for bed, read The Pout Pout Fish 15 times, tuck the kids into bed, start the laundry, get the kids back into bed, clean the house, get the kids back into bed again, and then stagger into bed, myself. And I don't get shit.

I mean, all Lance has to do is slip one testicle into some biker shorts and ride a 10-speed all day. He can pay people to do the rest. And HE is the one that gets performance enhancing drugs? That is some bullshit. I need me some blood doping. I think it would greatly enhance my mommy performance. This is me on drugs:

The Laundry
Instead of it taking me at least a week to get the laundry done because I have to haul that shit down to the basement and back for every load (plus, the TV is near the machine, and the TV is shiny) I now hand-wash, dry, fold and put all of the laundry away in under 5 minutes (I am working on shaving some time off of that).

Carpool
Wow, are we saving on gas now that I am doping. Instead of strapping the kids into car seats and putting the pedal to the medal, now I just strap those puppies to my back and mush their asses to school. Your welcome, environment.  

Dinner Time
Now that all I consume is other people's red blood cells, providing for my family is so much easier. I just launch Goldfish crackers at them and they catch them in their mouths like trained seals. 

Cleaning
Please. The second a Cheerio even thinks about hitting the floor I am on that shit like the Matrix. No need to clean when nothing gets dirty. 

Diapering
Since I started doping, I don't even need to put The Cool Cucumber in diapers anymore. The minute I sense he is about to drop a deuce, I just Flash Gordon him through the house and onto the pot. No fuss, no muss.

Bed Time
Who needs bedtime? I am now so hopped up on red blood cells I don't even care if my children sleep. Because I never do. I just wait for them to drop to the floor out of sheer exhaustion and throw a blanket over them where they lay. It has completely eliminated the stress of bedtime.


11 comments:

  1. "..slip one testicle into some biker shorts and ride a 10-speed..." ??
    That is the funniest damn thing I've read in a long time. *bowing down to you*

    ReplyDelete
  2. Huh... I never thought about it. I think it's time for me to kick my meth addiction and just get down to blood doping.

    Oh man...now I'm starting to wonder what Lance Armstrong was like in bed... you know, with all the energy.

    Now I'm scared...

    And intrigued...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Keep the meth for the weight loss so you won't get all muscle-y on the blood dope.

      Delete
  3. Blood doping is brilliant for beer lovin' mamas because it can pickle your liver so no one will know that it was really the vodka that did it! Great coverup!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Why in the HELL did they ever outlaw "mother's little helper?" Sometimes I wish it was the 60s. But then, I'd probably be expected to wear a bra. Sigh. I just can't win...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. expected to wear a bra in the '60s? that was when they started burning them, wasn't it?

      Great post my friend - I could use a little help myself - especially fighting the cold, and now the kid comes home with the stomach bug. at least the first puke was at school - that's always the nastiest one.

      Delete
    2. oh lord, Lori. Hang in there, friend!

      Delete

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