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Thursday, January 31, 2013

How are all children not afraid of being orphaned?

Now that my daughter is getting old enough to sit through a whole movie, I am worried she is going to develop an irrational fear of becoming an orphan. I mean, come on. How could she not? Just this weekend we watched Mirror Mirror (orphan), Hugo (orphan), James and the Giant Peach (orphan), and Dumbo (orphan-ish). FTW!

But the list goes on: Aladdin, Snow white, Cinderella, Peter Pan, Harry Potter, Lemony Snicket's, The Wizard of Oz, Annie, etc. Do I need to pre-screen everything my kids watch so they aren't quivering over my bed watching me sleep at night to make sure I am not swallowed up by an angry rhinoceros?

I wouldn't investigate that noise if I were you...

First off, did none if these parents have backups plans in case of their ultimate demise? A will? A note scribbled on a beer coaster? Anything? Because in most of the movies, the orphaned children are from wealthy, intelligent families that were spouting puppy dogs and rainbows out of their asses before they met the Grim Reaper. They couldn't have at least tossed around the idea of who would take their children if they had a house dropped on them?

Second, why do all of these perfect parents always have evil brothers and sisters who end up with their children? I mean, every family has a black sheep and all, but this is ridiculous. Did they want to teach their kids a lesson in humility after living a life of privilege so they left them with the most conniving brother or sister they had? Seriously? They didn't have a sweet aunt Betty or something?

Thirdly, if all of these parent were so wealthy and powerful, why didn't they have a trust set up to provide for their children with iron-clad clauses keeping others from stealing their heir's money? How do all of their kids end up penniless wards of the state living off stolen pieces of bread and sewer water?

Never trust a ginger...

Fourth, why do all kids have to be orphaned? What is wrong with just having adventures away from mom and dad? That's a good story. Or just use the most cliché movie tool of all time: The dream sequence. Then I won't have to pry my kid off the ceiling after watching Bambi for Christ's sakes! Give a Mama a break!


27 comments:

  1. haha! I think I'll start blaming Disney for why I drink now. That shit can be traumatic.

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  2. You should write a good, sensible cartoon for Disney to produce.

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  3. I never realized until now exactly how many kids movies are about orphans. It's pretty crazy.

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  4. Are there any Disney movies were there isn't some kind of trauma or heavy plot line? If it isn't dying parents you've got infertility and spouses dying (Up) - I don't think I've ever cried that much during the first 10 minutes of a movie, ever!

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  5. Too true! I cry whenever I watch Dumbo, Bambi, or The Land Before Time (I'm a sap though). Then the kids ask where their (the characters) mommies are. Come on!!!

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  6. This post reminds me of the Friends episode where Phoebe finds out what really happens at the end of Old Yeller and ends up watching all the movies her mother had guarded her from. Hilarious!

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  7. Hated Bambi and ET when I was a kid. I'm a big fan of toy story and the incredibles. Intact families.

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    1. LOVE The Incredibles. They even gave the mom a fat ass. Now THAT is reality.

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  8. I know, stupid Disney. Make me cry WAY too much. And yet still... we love those movies!

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  9. Don't forget The Secret Garden and A Little Princess! And, for the record, I actually didn't have a fear of becoming an orphan when I was a kid watching these same movies, but rather fantasized about it... it just seemed so *romantic*. One of my favorite orphan games (there were many) was shutting all the lights out, lighting a candle, and eating bread and cheese and wearing a shawl and pretending that it was raining and I was hiding from the rain eating my meager meal somewhere. I think there was also one where I'd hunker down in the shower and pretend that I was huddled up on a street in a rainstorm. (Apparently orphans and rainstorms go hand in hand.) And there was the one where I closed my eyes and stumbled around and was a BLIND orphan. And the one where I ran around in the snow in bare feet just because that's what orphans would do.

    Um.

    In hindsight, perhaps a phobia would have been preferable...

    (But come on, life is just not EXCITING when you have two parents and a fridge full of food! >.>)

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    1. And all I did wa make my Barbies act like hookers. I missed SO MUCH!

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    2. YOU JUST NARRATED MY CHILDHOOD. It was easy for me to play orphan because we lived on a farm, and I always pretended I was seeking shelter from the blizzard (again with the inclement weather juxtaposition) in an old farmer's barn. My sister and I would "steal" raw potatoes and eat them like apples because, oh, I don't know, potatoes must be orphan cuisine.

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    3. I also made my Barbies into hookers, and then had Ken be the pimp and beat them. Hmm. Weird.

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    4. haha my Barbies were hookers too! We only had one Ken for about 50 Barbies, he was tired; we actually gave him holidays away from the girls to regenerate! WTF!

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  10. Bridge to Teribithia? How about Bridge to Traumatic Childhood Experience. Dude. This is why I don't watch movies. I can't. I can't deal with the plots anymore. Wholesome movies aren't really all that wholesome. Alice in Wonderland, the part with the carpenter and the walrus? How they lure the oysters away from Mama and then eat them all?? WTF? Setting fires to someone's home because of a monster?? UGH.

    I'll stick with Blue's Clues and Spongebob, Thanks.

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  11. We watched The Lion King this morning. Not only is Simba orphaned, but he watches his dad fall from a cliff to his death, and then moons over the corpse for a few minutes while talking to Scar who then sends him off to fend for himself in the wastes.

    Probably no surprise that my daughter said to me last night, "Daddy, are you going to get old and die and not be with me anymore?"

    And I had to be like, "Yes, Addison, everyone you love will someday die. Some of them when you least expect it. And you're gonna die too."

    Perhaps I cushioned those truths a little. But our two year old's been wise to death for a while now, much as we'd hoped to delay it.

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    Replies
    1. Neal, you complete me. I love your sense of humor.

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