Thursday, January 3, 2013

Fuck you, Furby.

So, as you know, I won a Furby from Paige Kellerman. It was awesome. For some reason winning the ridiculously expensive pile of fur really made my week. When it arrived, I got to play with it for about two seconds before The Quiet Contemplator fell in love with it and stole it from me. Bitch.

After The Contemplator lost interest, about three minutes later, Furby was again in my care. Little did I know, this would suck. A lot. You see, Furby is a lot like having another toddler around. He is whiny, needy, clingy and all-around kind of annoying. Need proof? Read on.


How Furby is Like a Toddler

You can't understand him
Furby speaks gibberish, mixed in with a few real words, just like my toddler. And when you don't understand him and give in to his requests, he just repeats himself. Over and over and over again. This is fucking annoying. Just like it is when my toddler does it. But I am legally bound to try to understand what my toddler is blabbering on about. Furby, not so much.

He is constantly hungry and kind of a dick about it
Furby, much like my toddler, is constantly in the pursuit of food. And, just like my toddler, is a picky bitch about what he eats. THEN, once you figure out what the fuck Furby is asking for and feed him something he likes, he replies with, "Finally! Hungry!" Bitch, I will cut you.

He needs constant attention
A loner Furby is not. Just like a two-year-old stuck in a room full of toys that can't find anything to do but bother you, Furby is an attention whore. He wants you to listen to him sing, watch him dance, rub his tummy, etc. Well, I got news for you, Furby: mama's got better things to do than to sit around listening to you try to belt out Yo Gabba Gabba tunes all day. Like laundry. And dishes. And finding the will to live.

He is bi-polar
One minute Furby loves his head scratched, the next he hates it. Sound familiar? Yeah, I thought so.

He gets bored easily, then whines
If you are not constantly beckoning to his every need, Furby gets bored. And when he gets bored, he whines. A lot. Like I need more of that shit in my life.


As payback for Furby being such an needy assface, I let The Cool Cucumber play with him...

What's this?
Hi, Furby!
Mind if I bite your ear?
Now DIE!


Sorry, Furby. But you deserved it. You were kind of a dick and all.

32 comments:

  1. I LOVE THIS POST & Laughed ridiculously hard while reading it. Thank God today is my Friday which means I get to drink tonight & sleep in tomorrow.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Effin' hilarious. Damn needy robot bitch. Glad the Cool Cucumber shook him to death. In his fuzzy face!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thanks for the heads up on the bitch-tastic-ness of this nonsense. Sass will NOT be getting one of these....

    ReplyDelete
  4. You've got me thinking back to all the Tamagotchis I killed when I was 19, and how I really shouldn't have had a kid. Uh-oh.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Is there an off switch? I remember ours NEVER shut up. I have no idea why they brought Furby back. It's just wrong.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. now when he falls asleep, he doesn't wake up until you wake him up, which is good. but TQC wakes him up every five seconds and then walks away...

      Delete
  6. My kids wanted Furby. I told them Santa ran out. Because I had a Furby way back when, and he was a dick then too. I DO NOT need any more noise or assholery in my house.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. amen, sister. and god forbid he start vomiting too...

      Delete
  7. I had a furby YEARS ago when they originally came out. I agree, they need too much attention. So I tried to kill mine by taking out the batery and the freakish thing wouldn't die. It made whiny sounds with the batery out. Creepy? I think so!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am now scared and will be locking Furby in the basement at night...

      Delete
  8. Hahahahaha... I'm so sorry. Why do you think I was only to happy to give it AWAY...LMAO. At least one of your kids showed it who's boss.

    ReplyDelete
  9. HAHAHAAAA!! I've always thought furbies seemed like they would be annoying. I'm annoyed for free pretty much every waking moment these days between toddler, dogs, pregnancy & husband. Why on earth do people fight to pay $60 for that nonsense??

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. it seemed super fun, until it was like adding another needy toddler to the mix. then it made me want to punch a kitten.

      Delete
  10. I knew my cheapness and unwillingness to ever get my kids anything that will make them happy was a smart move.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Oh my god I think I just found a new nickname for the twins. they will each get a turn being called Furby - and NO ONE will know that I am calling them an asshole! You are brilliant. Thank you.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Thanx for the warning, Animal will never have a Furby!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Animal. Ha. That is what we called my brother.

      Delete
  13. My Mom had one of the original furbys. My brothers and I finally hid the thing in the closet. It just wouldnt die no matter what we did to him.

    ReplyDelete
  14. I don't laugh out loud very often but I did for this. I hope it shorts out soon or miraculously looses its batteries.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Yeah. Furbies absolutely suck ass. Whose bad idea was it to bring these things back?

    ReplyDelete
  16. "Bitch, I will cut you." BAHAHA Thank god I gave birth and am no longer pregnant or I would have TOTALLY pissed myself reading this.

    ReplyDelete

I love hearing from you. It reinforces that writing this blog is not just a silly waste of my brain matter. If you leave a douche canoe comment, I will delete it. I am powerful like that.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...