Thursday, November 1, 2012

All About Me

A sweeter reader that goes by the tag Amazed sent me this query:

I've been following you for a while and have amassed a collection of questions for you that keep rolling over and over in my head after reading a post for the day. Would you ever consider having a "20 questions" page or something similar to the confessional where we could ask these oh-so-important questions? I have a feeling that you're readers will shit a Twinkie if given the chance to "chat" with you about specific, obnoxious personal questions. What do you think? If not, can I just ask you a bunch of invasive and dirty questions? xoxoxoxo


Well, Amazed, 

I would love nothing more than to witness someone shitting a Twinkie, so I, of course, accept the challenge. Though I have no idea why anyone would be excited about the chance to talk to me, given how idiotically truthfully I portray myself on this very blog.

Overall, I think there may be a big misconception out there about me. I think some of you may have the horribly incorrect notion that I am cool. I am soooo not cool. Let's just say, I am about as cool as a steaming hot cup of coffee. Read on for solid evidence of my uncoolness:

I am clueless.
I am the type of person that would be all, "Hey, fellow moms at my child's school, we should all get together sometime! Maybe we could start a book club. We can start with that new book everyone is talking about that I have no idea what it is about. What's it called again? Oh yeah, 50 Shades of Grey. You guys all read the first few chapters and we will get together and discuss it over wine."

Que the first book club meeting where we go to discuss 50 Shades and the crowd is all crickets and throat clearing because the entire book is about bondage, beatings and ben wa balls. AWKWARD! Oops. My bad.

I never think before I speak.
I am the type of person to blurt out to a room full of people, "My god, if I ever have to hear that song 'Boyfriend' again I am going to punch myself in the face", only to look around and see that every person in the room is wearing a "Bieber Fever" shirt. Doh.

I have diarrhea of the mouth.
Even once I realize that I have said something stupid, I. Just. Can't. Stop. The. Shit. From. Coming. Out. Ignorance flows from my lips at such a rate that it is impossible to plug the leak.

I am physically awkward.
I trip over my own feet. Daily. I have absolutely no athletic prowess and would sooner gouge my own eyes out with a rusty shoe horn than play a pick-up game of volleyball. Is that even an expression? See. It's bad.

I often dress like I have a mental disability.
Sometimes this comes off as quirky and cool. That is not the case. Most of my clothes are mismatched and many have stains and holes. I am not a trendy risk taker. I am a fashion nightmare.



Anyway. The point is, feel free to send me your questions about myself and I will answer them honestly and with brazen. I am happy to throw myself to the wolves for y'alls amusement. I will feature the questions and answers in future posts. Bring it, Boozehounds.

11 comments:

  1. eeeexactly. I am the exact same way. Except for the 50 shades of grey. And I avoid other moms like the plague.

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  2. We are going to be one hot mess you know when. Two clueless, drunk, diarrhea-of-the-mouth people who don't think before we speak, hanging out together? WATCH OUT, WORLD!

    Jesus. :-)

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    Replies
    1. Jesus got his cable turned off so he put us together so he would have something to watch. Ha.

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  3. Ooh! Me! What is the worst way you've put your foot in your mouth? If you were a cocktail/beverage/bar snack, what would you be? Can you get my kid to stop squirming while I change her diaper and how? What gets diaper cream out of the carpet? If you were a super hero what would your power be? How can I get my husband to hang up a new roll? I guess most of these are for advice.....

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  4. For the record, you are my kind of cool. Even if that is hot coffee cool. For real though, you are really kind of my hero or idle or something. Stay awesome.


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  5. I am Amazed (and Kristin Emmett from FB) and I am so effing excited about this!!! I have some much more inappropriate questions to ask but I thought I should at least take you on a date first, or meet your mother. It seems that knowing about your kids and ADD daddy would be enough to ask these very important questions, but I'm afraid you'll shun me like an Amish.

    So glad you decided to do this!!

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  6. p.s. Becasue of Hostess' impending issues, if some does "shit a Twinkie" as predicted, I think we should keep it, dip it in gold and put it in the ILBAB museum, next to your maternity pants and TQC's eye patch.

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    Replies
    1. Ha. Bring on the questions. And so trueaboutthe Twinkie!

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I love hearing from you. It reinforces that writing this blog is not just a silly waste of my brain matter. If you leave a douche canoe comment, I will delete it. I am powerful like that.

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