I have been in a really good place lately. Between therapy and anti-depressants, I have found a path that has made walking through everyday life easier. But I don't take this new-found steadiness for granted. Being in this place has just reminded me how far I have come.
Where I have come from is being a shell of my former (and now recovered) self. The wildfire of depression had burned through me until there wasn't even a flicker of life left in my eyes. But I smothered its flames with a blanket of anti-depressants, therapy and good friends. So I could light my own flame again.
I may be standing on top of life's mountain waving my freak flag right
now, but it is only because I can remember what it was like to live
with this mountain on top of me. Crushing my very will to live with its weight. The feeling that I couldn't even lift my middle finger to tell the world
around me to fuck off, let alone raise my hand to ask for help has not left me. It is just packed away for now. I bring it out every now and then just to remember what it was like to feel that helpless. A photo album of sorts. A reminder of the past. So I can live in the present. And have a future.
I was a
complete wreck. And I still am sometimes, but those days are fewer and farther between. The normalcy of it all is sometimes suffocating. But it
is better than drowning in my own nothingness. I always know that
that part of me can flood back in at any time if I don't take care of
the cracks and fissures in the dam of my depression. It is a battle. Every day. But a battle worth fighting.
"Never look back" is bullshit advice. Always look back. Always know where you have been so you can remember where you are going.
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