Tuesday, December 11, 2012

The 10 Commandments of Marriage

Thou shalt learn to maketh thine own bed. Thou did lie in it, and thou shalt make it if thou was the last one in it. It doesn't magically make itself every day. I promise.

If thou would like the skidmarks removed from thou's underwear, then thou shalt put them into the laundry hamper. The Goddess does not pick up thou's dirty drawers or socks. (Note to all, do not Google image "skidmark". Ever. Seriously. Shivers.)

Funny Family Ecard: I know. It IS weird that I get a headache every time you leave your socks lying on the floor.

Thou shalt not comment on the price of the Goddess' accessories. If you can buy $100 worth of "research material" for thou's fantasy baseball draft, I can sho' nuff buy myself a Michael Kors handbag. End of discussion.

Thou shalt listen. Thou shalt also hear. This means you can not tune out all requests to do household chores with your special "selective hearing" setting. I know your ass heard me the first time.

Before thou met The Goddess, thou was able to sustain thineself through food. Thou must sometimes exhibit this past quality to appease The Goddess. Takeout is acceptable. Actually, you suck at cooking. Takeout is preferred.

If thou wanteth to visit the holyland, thou better pay homage to The Goddess that permits access to it first. Wine and chocolate are acceptable forms of homage.

Funny Family Ecard: If you want to tap that ass, you better have a bottle of Cristal and some Godiva on tap.

If thou covets another man's wife, thou will swiftly have thou's penis removed. Lorena ain't the only one who can wield a carving knife.

If thou has not provided sustenance for thine family for the evening, thou has no say in what sustenance has been provided. If you don't like it, don't eat it.

Thou shalt not get out of a task just by doing a shitty job at it. I have fallen for that crap before. Groceries aren't that hard to purchase. Now get thou's ass back to the store and get the light cream cheese. Fat free tastes like shit.

Thou shalt not ignore the Goddess' work orders. The third time I have to ask you to fix the dishwasher, I am putting all of the dirty dishes in your underwear drawer.

21 comments:

  1. HA! Takeout is DEFINITELY preferred! And I think I'll put the dirty dishes in his underwear drawer next time he piles them in the sink, rather than just loading the dishwasher.

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  2. "Thou shalt not get out of a task just by doing a shitty job at it... Now get thou's ass back to the store and get the light cream cheese. Fat free tastes like shit."

    Yes. Yes... YES! And why does it take them 2 hours to do something I have to do in 20 minutes with 2 kids?

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    Replies
    1. Because they know if they do a shitty job you will just say, "Fuck it. I will just do it myself." They are smart that way.

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    2. I don't have a husband but I have employees who think this is the way to get out of their tasks. Luckily I can put that shit in their performance reviews ;-)

      If we could give men semi-annual performance reviews maybe they'd do things right the first time!

      Delete
  3. Skidmarks, seriously, how hard is it to wipe one's own ass?

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    Replies
    1. Sometimes...hard. I won't lie and say I have never been the bearer of them. Esp when pregnant...ha!

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  4. I actually got mine to admit to the whole do a bad job, get out of the task conspiracy, now I show him once and then he is expected to "be the daddy!"

    In fact that's sort of a mantra around our house.
    "Babe, how do you do this again?"
    "I showed you once, be the daddy"

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    Replies
    1. And if you really want it done well, ask him to be your Daddy...ha!

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  5. Okay... this is cracking me up! Yes... pre-me, you were able to feed yourself something for dinner - figure it out. And along the same lines, if you didn't vote for what we'll be having for dinner - don't complain. Eat what I've made or go hungry - those are your only options. Especially if I've actually cooked - pb&j is NOT allowed when there's a hot meal waiting for your ass!

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  6. Hahaha love this. Seriously, sometimes I wonder how my husband survived before we were married, because he'll act like he's completely incapable of doing the essentials...like cooking.

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    1. my husband lived on beer, pizza and chicken nuggets. i am surprised he didn't get scurvy.

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  7. LOL my husband runs all of the errands and he regularly forgets about 30% of everything I ask him for. Sigh. I guess 30% is a fair trade for pushing a double stroller around those damn skinny supermarket aisles while the 2 year old is screaming for cookies.

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  8. Loved this! Maybe it should part of more wedding ceremonies? :)

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    Replies
    1. Along with, "I promise to never dutch oven you." Ha.

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  9. "special "selective hearing" setting. I know your ass heard me the first time" haha we definitely have this issue in our house!

    I am lucky though I have an excellent cook in the house, we would starve if it was me at the stove. I do not mind one bit to do the cleaning up, though I am sure he doesn't have to use EVERY DISH IN THE HOUSE.

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    Replies
    1. That is the very reason it is just easier for me to cook. Ha.

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