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Monday, December 3, 2012

Dearest Duchess

Dearest Duchess,

Hey there Katiepoo. Congrats on your womb being filled with the fruits of Willie's loins. It must be some heavy shit holding in the heir to a throne and all. I mean, I was just holding in two babies that people would be all thrilled didn't end up spreading pixie dust on the Tilt-A-Whirl or barking for the yak woman, so I can't even imagine gestating the future king or queen of England. Dang.

Sorry to hear about your morning sickness, BTW. Just because you will literally be hurling at a gilded throne doesn't make tossing your cookies any easier. And having to launch your lunch all day and then have 50 million photogs stalking your every move when you just want to hit the A&P to get some Sprite and Goldfish crackers has to really blow. Do they even have Goldfish in jolly old E-town? If not, I am hella sorry, girl. That shit got me through the first trimester in both of my pregnancies. Hit me up with your addy and I will send some your way along with some two-buck chuck to celebrate with come d-day.

A few tips on staying graceful in the spotlight while your hips spread and your face bloats: 
  • Black. All Black. All the time. Seriously.
  • Wear the crown everywhere you go from now on. People will be less likely to notice the Dorito stains on your shirt with that bling on your head.
  • Always stand next to the queen when possible. Because damn will she make you look good in comparison.
  • Get a lot of "future queen/king in training" t-shirts. Because no one else can pull that off without looking like a douche canoe.

Anywho. Congrats on the preggo, sorry your eggo is kind of starting out as a dick/bitch. My second did too and I know how many goat balls it sucks. Don't worry, it will get better. Or not. Either way, hang in there.

PS: I hope the baby gets your good looks. Though Wills used to be the hot one, Harry has totally taken that ball and ran with it while your hubs has gotten kind of long in the face. Don't worry, he was adorable up until five years ago, so I am sure all will be well…

The Beer Bitch


  1. I love it! Our newest one is 3 weeks old and towards the end there I couldn't even muster enough energy to put on something other than pajamas. I can't imagine having to be her- still keep up appearances AND get dressed? I take back every wish I ever had about wanting to be a princess! (Oh and my "get-me-though-this" food was graham crackers.

  2. I'm glad someone is offering her some sound advice! If she doesn't have goldfish to keep her nausea at bay, I'm sure there is a five star chef on call just waiting to make something for her and the new bun in the oven.

    On another note, I am one of the lucky ones who didn't have morning sickness, but baked potatoes and blue-cheese burgers were my go-to food during my first trimester. Now, at 30 weeks, I just love me some cinnamon toast crunch.

  3. As always,your very down-to-earth realism is brill. That crown thing is some seriously good assvice, man! I shoulds thought of that for myself. "What the fuck is that fat cow doing with a crown on her head?" Could've been fun if filmed.

    In all seriousness tough, it would be badass if this little rumpus royal is a girl, as it would be the first time that a sister would be in line for the thrown in FRONT of her brother (just changed in the last 12 months). THAT is awesome.

    And ILBAB, I think we should have a weekend get together, a conference, a gathering, a get away, a retreat, whatever you want to call it- any boozehounds who can make it- and plan some fun stuff (go to a bar,pretending to be pregnant and trying to order some shots) and some chilling out (hello,group discount on massage?) and some much needed time to do some commiserating n' shit. Lots of photographs of our shenanigans. OMG- we could get ILBAB t-shirts!! Just kidding on the shirts, but really- a tight tank that says "beer makes me a better mom". Now that's classy. And now, I digress. This people, this is my pipe dream.

    1. Ha on the crown!

      I LOVE that a woman might be able to take thrown. Fuck. Yes.

      I am down and have suggested it before. I could arrange lots of stuff if people were willing to come to the Lou. We could just get group rooms and Boozehounds could all share. T-shirts fo' sho.

  4. Laughing out loud while I'm reading this! SEND IT to Kate. Sounds like she could use a laugh! :)

    1. Ha. For Some reason I don't think the palace would appreciate my sense of humor and Over use of the word shit.

  5. This was awesome and I tip my hat to you. Seriously from the first word to the last you didn't miss a beat and said what the rest of were thinking. Stoping by from Finding the Funny and hope if you get a chance you can do the same.

  6. I'm guessing you mean "throne"?

  7. Hahaha, so spot on! especially with the whole Harry stealing Wills' thunder thing. Total switcheroo!


I love hearing from you. It reinforces that writing this blog is not just a silly waste of my brain matter. If you leave a douche canoe comment, I will delete it. I am powerful like that.

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