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Tuesday, September 25, 2012

My Saturday in Hell

Saturday was The Quiet Contemplator's first official "friend" birthday party. She has been invited to others, but this was the first one we were able to go to and she was old enough to lose her fucking mind for the three days preceding be really excited about. The party was at a place called Monkey Joe's.

Here is how Monkey Joe's describes itself: Bring your kids to Monkey Joe's fun-filled inflatable play center! Our wall-to-wall inflatable slides, jumps, and obstacle courses will keep your kids active, happy, and healthy.

Here is how I describe Monkey Joe's: the 5th circle of hell. For those of you not familiar, the 5th circle is the one where those who commit wrath and sloth go to. Monkey Joe's fills me with wrath and the place was basically a pit ravaged by Ebola and other disgusting kid diseases, so it seems apropro on the sloth front.


Here is the Monkey Joe's breakdown for kids:
get wristbands.
take off their shoes.
enter blown up pits of snot and fungus protected only by a thin layer of sock.
jump up and down in said sloth-pit until you lose the ability to stand.
go to a private party room (not as dirty as it sounds).
eat cake.
regain stamina and want to bounce some more.

Here is the Monkey Joe's breakdown for parents:
get wristbands.
watch kids jump up and down in germ cesspools.
try to make idle small talk with other parents.
want to die.
go to private party room (much dirtier than it sounds).
watch kids eat cake.
drag  kids kicking and screaming to the car when it is time to leave.
lose will to live.

My kid getting taken out by another kid, AKA, how Monkey Joe's rolls.

I was lucky enough to be the parent with the kid that climbed to the top of the tallest blow up slide only to freak the fuck out get too scared to slide down and need to be removed by an employee. Let me tell you the awesomeness of not being able to enter the cesspit (no adults allowed!) to retrieve your screaming toddler all while trying to find an acne-prone teenage manager to help get them down. It is even awesomer 5 minutes later when they still have not hauled their asses up to the top to go get your baby and you are stuck watching your kid cry and looking like a helpless asshole of a mother.

Needless to say, I hate Monkey Joe's. Also needless to say, The Contemplator loves it and can't wait to go back. Balls.


  1. You're probably going to think I'm crazy, but I love those places. We had the boy's 3rd at an inflatable place. BUT it was clean (looking), and grownups were allowed to play. The obstacle courses make me feel like I'm an American Gladiator. And I got a great pic of my over-60 mom going down a slide. Priceless.

    1. Jenn, there are two things that could have redeemed this outing: the presence of alcohol and the ability for adults to play. Add both, and I am getting a sitter and going by myself.

    2. Oh hell yeah. They should have grownup night on Saturdays.

  2. We have a similar place over here and EVERY TIME WE GO, utter nonsense happens. And it's always from the kids whose parents are not paying a whit of attention to them, like... because they're doing fucking YOGA behind one of the bounces houses or some shit like that. Yep. Actually happened. Anyway, I don't need to rant because you just covered it pretty well!

    Nice video, too. HEY THANKS KID. Hope TQC was okay.

  3. ...also my friend's kids got hand and mouth disease. WTH? You go jump on plastic and then you get blisters in your feet and mouth...ummm, no thanks. But then, I don't have kids. thanks for this- it is EXACTLY how I envision my friends lives.

    1. It isn't all puppy dogs and rainbows I will tell you that. Ha.

  4. Haha, I was going through the same fabulousness as you on Sunday - 2 year old's birthday party at our local bouncy place, though ours in Chicago is called Pump It Up. Insert sexual innuendos here...Adults are allowed to jump at ours but I vomited in my mouth when I took Summer down the slide and my sock ended up stuck in someone's bloody bandaid at the bottom.

    1. I shit you not, the bloody Band-Aid thing actually happened to me on Saturday as well. Thanks for reminding me. Shivers. Ha!

    2. Whilst working hard here at work today I stumbled across this and it just seemed too appropriate not to share.... If only it was followed by "until I find a bloody bandaid stuck to my neck."

  5. Thanks for this-
    I'm new to parenting and just had a similar Bounce House situation last weekend. By "new" to parenting, I mean, I've only been a parent for like, 5 years or something.

    Anyway, you truly made me laugh out loud. Could be the couple of drinks and nighttime cough medicine, but I don't think so (Notice I went ahead and took the time to type, "laugh out loud" rather than the usual, "lol"). I think you may be a comedic genius. Not unlike Carol Burnett or Tammy Faye Baker.

    Please give me the low-down on what to do when your little one won't stop scratching at her butt in public.

    Virgin territory to us "new" parents.

    Thanks again for the giggle!

    1. Sue, you are hilarious and after reading your blog profile, I have decided you are also my new best friend. We must run a half marathon then get very drunk afterward together and bitch about our children. Also, I work with animals though I don't see dead people, well, most of the time).

    2. I was going to tell you that you were MY new best friend but thought that would be too stalker-ish.

      Now I'm glad I didn't second guess our relationship and went ahead and entered us in the three-legged race at the next Rock n Roll Marathon in your town! That's right- You. Me. Tied together for 26.2 miles of gettin'-to-know-ya fun!

      And hey, New BFF, on second thought, I say screw the marathon and let's just get drunk and bitch about the taller and shorter people in our respective houses?

      Now back to you.. by "working with animals" do you mean your children? That's just mean. Animals learn and obey far better than any little human I've ever known (or the ones under my supervision anyway). And when they don't do what you say you can stick 'em in a cage without filling out all that tedious CPS paperwork. Yuck!

      Anyway, you are a comedic genius- I was a blog subscriber virgin before I met yoooooooooou!!!!!

      You're my first!

      Your Bestie,

    3. Email me, new bestie, and we will get this mommy love affair started. And we need to start practicing four our three-legged triathlon. Do they let you ride bicycles built for two in the road race portion?

  6. thanks for the giggle... here's how i have to look at it.... tomorrow (sunday) is my grandson's birthday party at...monkey freaking joe's...just shoot me now!


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