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Thursday, January 29, 2015

Baby Naming: The good, the bad and the Beyonce.

Picking a name for your baby is one of the hardest and biggest decisions you will probably ever make. Unless you have a boy in a family full of Jrs, IIs and IIIs, you are going to have to dip your toe into the pool of THOUSANDS of possible baby names out there. Let alone the made up names. My husband teaches in an urban school so he sees some doozies. Like Asthma, Asija (pronounced Asia), Rhavyn, Sin'Cere, Jazzmyn, Cesarion and Sexalene.

I named my kids Josephine and Harvey with their future in mind. I wanted them to have names that made it possible to succeed if they ever decide to make it big in the world. Because, let's face it, there probably is never going to be a president named Prince or Princess. Or, Christ on a bike, that poor kid whose parents named her Hashtag. Seriously. Can you see it: "All rise for a special announcement from President Hashtag Jameson." Not going to happen.

But for those of you who don't want to raise a kid doomed to mediocrity thanks to the moniker you bestow on them, there is Baby Name Genius. It's an app that helps you narrow down names you like, kind of like Pandora helps develop stations you like. You give names it suggest the thumbs up or down, and the more you tell it what you like, the smarter it gets. You can also save a whittled down list of favorite once you find some so you and the hubby can get into a fight about whether or not Lewis sounds like he will grow up to be an asshole. The best part> It's FREE! You can learn more about the app and all its cool features here.

I wish this app was around when I was round. I could have used an easier tool to peruse names while I was stuffing my face with Candy Cane Joe Joes in bed...

If you share this post, I will buy you a pony. I suck at Twitter. I am OK at Facebook. Pinterest is my bitch. I am also on Bloglovin' and Instagram.

This post was sponsored by Baby Name Genius but you Boozehounds know I would NEVAH EVAH subject you to anything I didn't think was amazeballs on my own. I promise if I ever procreated again (no chance in hell), I would use this app to help find my next baby's name (If we didn't have another girl and name her Adele Louise). For realzies. 

Wednesday, January 28, 2015

A Case of the Mondays...Every Day

For the past few months I have been exhausted. Like, super exhausted. But I have a family, and a job, and a blog, so, you

I have also been a bit on the cold side, but so is everyone else in the midwest because, you know...winter.

Oh, and I have felt like a cro-magnon moron who can barely put a thought together, but, you know...what was I saying again?

Then, around Christmas, I started getting dizzy a lot. If I stood up too fast I would damn near pass out. But, you know...well, that one was a bit harder to write off.

I thought maybe I just needed to adjust my meds for my hypothyroidism but my tests had been coming back fine so that most likely wasn't the answer.

Since, like most things when you have a thyroid issues, most doctors will tell you it is all in your head, I basically gave up.

But after a little time with Dr. Google, I found a possible solution: I was low on iron. Um...duh. Symptoms of being low on iron? Tired, constantly cold, trouble concentrating, dizzy spells... 

Also, apparently a lot of people with thyroid issues are also low on iron (and depressed and have random white eyebrows and, well, it is one hell of a sexy condition, let me tell you).

So I went back to Dr. Google, looked up some stuff and learned the best route to go: liquid iron, which is more easily used by the body than iron in pill form. I was also worried about the fact that iron can constipate you because HELL NO will I ever go through that again so I wanted one that wouldn't clog up the pipes. 

In all my research, I found Flordix Iron and Herbs (Ha, they said dix). I also found that it is great for adding iron during pregnancy so all you fertile myrtels that be low on iron, take head, man (<-- see what I did there?).

So how am I feeling now? BETTER. I haven't had a dizzy spell since I started it, have been able to stay up past 8 p.m., can actually concentrate and THINK again, and still poo on the reg. The only downside? The stuff tastes like butt, BUT if you mix it with some OJ it is totally fine (it kind of tastes like funky apple juice on its own and I HATE apple juice).

Anyhoodle, I figured some of you all might be in the same sinking ship boat and could use the info, yo. Word to your Fe, B (<-- see what I did there?).

If you share this post, I will buy you a pony. I suck at Twitter. I am OK at Facebook. Pinterest is my bitch. I am also on Bloglovin' and Instagram.

This post was sponsored by Flora Inc. but you Boozehounds know I would NEVAH EVAH subject you to anything I didn't think was amazeballs on my own. I promise I took their iron, felt better and still pooped. For realzies. 

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Advice Under the Influence: Should I Buy a Minivan

It's been a while since I have talked about the Rambone on here. Quick update: I still love that sexy beast in all of its shame-inducing, self esteem-depleting glory.

The Rambone has been puked in, slept in, backed into dumpsters and hauled a mess of drunk girls back from a river after a float trip. It holds all of my beverages and never complains, opens its doors when asked, hauls more ass than a fraternity party hayrack ride and ensures that none of my friends ever ask to borrow my car.

Want to see just how much I love my big, old, white, piece of shit minivan? Watch below:

If you share this post, I will buy you a pony. I suck at Twitter. I am OK at Facebook. Pinterest is my bitch. I am also on Bloglovin' and Instagram.

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Advice Under the Influence: Getting your toddler to sleep

Dear, sweet Baby Jesus. I think we are finally at a stage in life where our kids sleep in their own beds most of the time and we don't have to spend three hours trying to get them in said bed in the first place.

Sure, there are nights that just trying to get my kids to stay in bed and actually sleep me want to play a serious game of Edward 40hands (if you don't know what that is LOOK IT UP. You won't regret having the knowledge in your arsenal), but most nights are pretty easy nowadays.

Hey, wait. Don't come all up in my house with your pitchforks because you haven't slept more than three hours in a row for over three years. We have paid our dues. We have spent MANY sleepless nights trying to explain to a tearful toddler that sleep is good and that they need it. Or prying a pouty preschooler out of our bed at 3 a.m. because "She was lonely".

Want to know how we got here and how many goats you have to pay us to pony up the information? Watch the video below. (Warning: though it won't cost you any goats, it does require a honey badger or two...)

If you share this post, I will buy you a pony. I suck at Twitter. I am OK at Facebook. Pinterest is my bitch. I am also on Bloglovin' and Instagram.

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Bar/Buffet Project

I saw this project pinned on Pinterest and fell in love with the simplicity of it. Clean lines, rich wood and stark contrast. It was just what I was looking for for our dining room. 

So when I saw this solid oak beauty on the free section of Craigslist, I threw the Rambone into drive and hightailed it to pick that bad boy up. Ha ha. Just kidding. I told my husband to go get it and ordered up another episode of Property Brothers.

So much ugly. So much promise.

Once the mothership had landed (I think it is like 9 feet wide), my hubby set off stripping and sanding. We used Citristrip to get the majority of the sealant, stain and whatnot off, then sanded it where it was still a little rough.

He's such a great helper. Not.

Next it was time for staining. We used Minwax Classic Gray and applied it with a rag so it wasn't too dark and still let some of the natural grain of the wood show through.


After that, we taped everything off and painted the base white. We used Behr High Gloss Enamel in, I don't know...white.


Then we treated the top, drawers and bottom with Behandla Wood Treatment Oil from IKEA. We had it leftover from our kitchen counters and wanted to make sure the wood was water tight but not shiny. After that, we just put the original brass handles back on (albeit upside down because I liked them better that way) and it was time for cocktails!


 Overall, the project cost us around $30 dollars. I am in LURVE with it!

Before and after if your nasty.

If you share this post, I will buy you a pony. I suck at Twitter. I am OK at Facebook. Pinterest is my bitch. I am also on Bloglovin' and Instagram.

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

Advice Under the Influence: Getting Your Toddler to Eat

Advice on getting your toddler to eat.

Though most kids his age are dedicated carb addicts, my son is the opposite. He would live on meat and meat alone if he had it his way. He would rather down a pound of bacon than so much as look at a piece of pasta. Sure, he'll take a piece of bread, but only to take one bite and then mash the rest between his grubby little fingers.

He has about 1% body fat. Which is great if you are a professional body builder looking to win the world championship, but not so great when you are a toddler trying to keep on the growth charts. Thankfully, I can shove fruit and nuts down his gullet every once in a while and the occasional glass of almond milk (because OF COURSE he is lactose intolerant), but dinner time is still a wee bit frustrating an occasion that drives me to drink.

On this bumpy road of trying to get the adorable little bugger to eat, I kind of forgot my own advice. The thing that rang the most true with me was, "In the end, food is food." And that is so true. He's eating, healthy and happy. Who cares if he doesn't dig on carbs like his mama? Watch below for some tips on getting your little one to eat.

If you share this post, I will buy you a pony. I suck at Twitter. I am OK at Facebook. Pinterest is my bitch. I am also on Bloglovin' and Instagram.

Friday, January 9, 2015

Advice Under the Influence: Potty Training

Funny advice on how to potty train your kiddos.

Well, here we are again, at the mouth of that hellish beast we call Potty Training. I would literally rather cut my pinkie toe off with a pair of kiddie scissors than have to do this again, but done it must be lest my son go to college in a pair of Pull-ups. Which, I guess wouldn't be such a bad thing because he is totally destined to be a pro at college. He excels at things like chugging, looking innocent and making togas (see exhibit A), so Pull-ups might just prevent him from peeing on that sweet little sorority sister he slyly talks into spending the night after getting luring into his dorm room to"check out his sweet collection of vintage music posters".

Funny advice on how to potty train your kiddos.
Exhibit A

But back when he was even just a wee-er lass, we made a video giving tips on how to potty train. He was nowhere near ready, but he was cute as hell during the making. If you are about to take the plunge into potty training, make sure to watch this video so you can brush up on what it really take to conquer toilet training. Hint: copious amounts of booze and bleach...

Extra bonus points if you spot Fatty!

If you share this post, I will buy you a pony. I suck at Twitter. I am OK at Facebook. Pinterest is my bitch. I am also on Bloglovin' and Instagram.

Wednesday, January 7, 2015

7 things no one told you about your period

A period is more than just the end of a sentence. Shark Week, a visit from the Five-day Fairy, Riding the Red Sea, whatever you call it, from the day it makes its debut to the day the red curtain closes, a period is a part of life. 

From the time we are old enough to know periods exist, we ladies yearn to gain that right of feminine passage. Little did we know then, periods aren’t all prancing in a field of daisies in a long white skirt. Allow me to drop a few truths no one told you about you period 

1. It can be your best friend. 
Missing a period can be a bad sign. A very bad sign. Like when you had one-too-many martinis at the company Christmas party, slept with that sleazy guy from accounting and forgot to use a rubber. Or when you discover your long-term, live-in boyfriend has been boning your bestie for the last year and you are a week late. Or when you are 16 and just gave your V Card to your prom date in the back of his dad’s Suburban and believed him when he said he would “pull out”. Yeah, these types of situations basically make getting your period better than getting a pony on your 5th birthday. And that pony is actually a unicorn. That poops candy.

2. It can also be your worst enemy.
But once you have gotten past the point in your life that you stop making terrible decisions with your vagina and actually want to use it for what it was intended, getting you period is worse than, well, getting punched in the vagina. Because one little wipe of a tissue can deliver the worst possible news: you aren’t pregnant. And that you have a long 28-day wait until you can hope to not get your period again. It’s enough to make a girl want to punch a kitten.

3. It will almost always come at the worst time possible. 
Preparing for your best friend’s epic birthday sleepover party? Heading for spring break so you can shake your tatas with your sorority sisters at Señor Tadpoles? Preparing to jet off with your new man for your romantic Tahitian getaway? Getting ready to don virginal white for the last time before you walk down the aisle? Not so fast, my friend. Aunt Flo may have forgotten to RSVP, but she will most definitely be attending your special event.

4. There will come a time when you need to borrow an unmentionable. 
There comes a time in every girl’s life when her monthly visitor pays her a visit and she is caught with her pants around her ankles—literally. Maybe you switched purses. Maybe you forgot to buy period party favors last time you were at Target. Maybe you lent your last pad to a friend. No matter what has left you up Menstruation Creek without a tampon, you are going to have to go on a reconnaissance mission to retrieve the supplies you require.

5. It will help you bond with other women.
Whether you spill the details of springing a leak in math class, drown your menstrual sorrows in wine and pizza together during a Sex and the City marathon or dry the tears of a friend who was trying to have a baby but instead got her period, menstruation has a way of bringing women together. Periods are a bond that only we women share and only we can understand. For better or worse, they give us a common ground to laugh, cry and occasionally hurl over.

6. It’s nothing like the commercials suggest.
Maybe it’s just me, but I don't think a lot of women are flipping off diving boards or dancing around a campfire in white shorts when their period rears its ugly head. Now don’t get me wrong, we’ve come a long way from when Roman women used wool tampons in 15th century B.C., but there is still always the chance we will spring a leak at an inopportune time or discover that a string has gone rogue in our bikini bottoms.

7. One day, you will run dry. 
But the biggest thing that people forget to tell you about your period is that one day, it will go away. Forever. This seems like amazing news when you are 25 and curled up in bed with a heating pad, bottle of Midol and box of chocolate. But it ain’t such great news when you are looking over the edge of 40 and awaiting the dreaded hot flashes, low sex drive and…um…vaginal dryness. Because who doesn’t love a good case of flop sweats accompanied by an arid “area”?

This post was written by me and originally appeared on HealthlineIllustration by Simon Estrada 

If you share this post, I will buy you a pony. I suck at Twitter. I am OK at Facebook. Pinterest is my bitch. I am also on Bloglovin' and Instagram.

Monday, January 5, 2015

New year, new world challenge

I want to issue a challenge to the world this year: be nice. To yourself. To each other. To your children. To everyone.

Life is hard enough as it is. Maneuvering it being shitty to ourselves and others only makes it worse. So stop. 

Stop talking down to yourself. You are the only you you will ever have. So be nice to yourself. Talk yourself up, not down. 

Stop saying you're stupid. Because as Forrest Gump said, stupid is as stupid does. And we all make mistakes so don't let one foolish action direct the course of your life. Dust yourself off and move on. 

Stop saying you are fat. You're not fat. You may have fat but that is not all that you are. You have fingernails but you are not fingernails.

Stop being mean to others. Don't make snide remarks. Stop saying hateful things under the veil of the Internet. Stop making fun of people.

Start building people up-starting with yourself. Because it is easier to build someone up than it is to tear them down. I promise. It just takes practice. And the more you build people up, the better you both will feel. Being positive is addictive. And spreads faster than any disease out there.

Start small. Every time you say something bad about yourself or others, stop and immediately say two good things. And start complimenting people. On small things, like their shirt or they're here. That one small thing could be the difference between them having a good day or having a bad day.

In the end, just be nice. Remember the old adage of treating people how you want to be treated. If you wouldn't want someone to say it about you, don't say it about them. Same goes for yourself.

Did you do something nice for yourself or someone else today? Let me know about it. Let's start a chain reaction that is bigger than ourselves.
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