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Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Dearest Mommy Dearest

Hello, Mommy Dearest Joan Crawford. I am writing to let you know that I think I may have discovered something about you. I am thinking maybe you weren't the monster everyone made you out to be in the 1981 cult film, Mommy Dearest. I am thinking maybe Christina just finally drove you over the edge of Crazy Town and you never looked back.

I get it. The Quiet Contemplator has also been steering the Mommy Car toward Crazyville lately. A lot. She LOVES to play with soap and lotion. No biggie, right? She just likes to have clean, smooth skin, no? No. You see, I tell her 5,367,241 times a day, "No soap or lotion unless Mommy or Daddy say it is OK." Why? Because she likes to sneak into the bathroom, coat her tiny hands in soap or lotion, then proceed to smear it all over her body and everything else within a 50-mile radius. Super fun.

Que last night, when ADD Daddy had to stay late at work and I was left herding the two turtles by myself. I was feeding The Cool Cucumber when I noticed it was way too quite in the house. I asked The Quiet Contemplator what she was doing and she walked into the room and said nothing while rubbing her little hands together mirthfully. This could only mean one thing: they were coated in soap.

Yeah. I pretty much lost it. Now, did I beat her with the soap bottle while screaming, "NOOOOO  SOAP OR LOTION! EVVVAAAAHHHH" like you so infamously did with the wire hangers? No. But if that furry red bastard Elmo was anywhere in sight, his ass probably would have taken a whoopin' just for good measure. I just asked her to leave the room so I could have a mini rage stroke without having DCFS called or adding to her list of things to tell her therapist later.

So, in closing. I think I get it, Joan. I am starting to understand the whole "No wire hangers!" thing. Maybe you had told Christina every day for the last five years not to put wire hangers in her closet and seeing one in there finally just caused you to snap. Maybe you had to scour every Babies "R" Us this side of the Mississippi to find enough pink frilly hangers to match Cristina's room decor and that ungrateful bitch just didn't appreciate the hell you had been through walking into a Babies "R" Us in the first place. Or, maybe she had just finished covering your entire bathroom in soap for fun and it wasn't even noon yet, so you couldn't have a drink to calm your nerves.

Anyway. You so crazy, Joan.


The Beer Bitch


  1. OH MY GOD!!!!! Don't even get me started on the soap!!

    My daughter, who turned 2 in July, will NOT leave the effing soap alone EVER!! She climbs up the front of the cabinets in the bathroom and then sits there and pumps and pumps and pumps the soap. And I don't always notice right away, and all she needs is about eights seconds to make a massive mess.

    The other day she flipped on the water and in her mucking she managed to get water everywhere - all over the counter top, floor and each and every drawer between the two. I had to empty out the toilet paper drawer, the toothpaste/toothbrush drawer, and the drawer with all the pads, tampons, and backup toiletries and mop the water out of them with a towel.

    Why?? Why??

    Seriously, my blood pressure is rising just thinking about it!

    I kick her out of there fourteen times a day.

    When we went camping last weekend my awesome husband left the van unlocked and just let her in there. 17 seconds later? She had unloaded half a bottle of sunscreen into her hands and smeared it all up her arms. That was super fun to clean up. Luckily it wasn't all over the van!


    1. Oh my god. I can't even start on sunscreen.WWHHHHYYYYY!!!!!????!!!!

  2. You need a reason to kick Elmo's ass? I am so proud of your self control ; )

  3. I think the secret ingredient in lotion might be Toddler Crack because mine just LOVES to lotion himself up any chance he gets. And I feel like I can't even discourage him because they kid has eczema for days.

    Also, as you know I read blogs in binges, so I just saw your new layout for the first time. It is GORGEOUS.

    1. It must be. It gives me a twitch.

      Thanks! Start blogging again!

  4. Another story where the true protagonist is really seen as the villain. Perhaps there is something to the dipping your face in really cold water and then really warm water several times when waking in the morning. She does have a pretty complexion...just saying. I don't look that pretty when I "lose it".

  5. I know all about losing your shit over something trivial. Because the trivial shit just builds and builds and fucking BUILDS, and then you're swamped in it and lose your shit. It happens.

  6. Stories like this make me realize that, as much of a handful the Littlest Brewster is now, the best (worst?) is yet to come.

    Thanks for givin me something to look forward to.


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