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Monday, September 12, 2011

Things You Need Before Baby Arrives

You know you are going to need diapers, a crib, bottles, etc., before baby gets here. But there are a few little-known items that you are going to need to stock up on before your bouncing bundle arrives. Such as:
  1. 25 rolls of industrial-strength paper towels (to mop up all sorts of baby bodily fluids).
  2. A case of Kleenex (to mop up all of the mommy tears you will be shedding).
  3. A lobotomy. It isn't necessary, but it will make it much easier to deal with the schmidt you are about to encounter.
  4. A hazmat suit. This is about the only way that you are going to walk away from a newborn unscathed by pee, poop, vomit, etc.
  5. The fancy toilet paper. If your baby comes the traditional route, you are going to be a little sensitive down there. That Scott's crap is not going to cut it. Do your vag a favor: pony up for the good stuff.
  6. A swimming cap. Babies are attracted to mommies hair like flies to fly paper, which is appropriate, because somehow their little baby hands possess the same stick-factor.
  7. A case of beer and handle of vodka. I don't think I need to explain these necessities.

2 comments:

  1. In my case, substituent #5 with "a filing cabinet to hold the 15 reams of paper needed for an adoption." But the rest is PERFECT for all Mommys

    ReplyDelete
  2. One fun to say product that I should have gotten? The Pee Pee TeePee. Of course lil'Raver is 6months old and the hubby still wants them. But then I couldn't giggle whenever the kid pees on him. Wheres the fun in that? It just wasn't cool when he was lettin' loose on me. :)
    And I've totally started sleeping in a pony tail, that has to be bad for something... But its the one late night feeding you forget... poof! Bald spot!

    ReplyDelete

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