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Monday, September 12, 2011

Things You Need Before Baby Arrives

You know you are going to need diapers, a crib, bottles, etc., before baby gets here. But there are a few little-known items that you are going to need to stock up on before your bouncing bundle arrives. Such as:
  1. 25 rolls of industrial-strength paper towels (to mop up all sorts of baby bodily fluids).
  2. A case of Kleenex (to mop up all of the mommy tears you will be shedding).
  3. A lobotomy. It isn't necessary, but it will make it much easier to deal with the schmidt you are about to encounter.
  4. A hazmat suit. This is about the only way that you are going to walk away from a newborn unscathed by pee, poop, vomit, etc.
  5. The fancy toilet paper. If your baby comes the traditional route, you are going to be a little sensitive down there. That Scott's crap is not going to cut it. Do your vag a favor: pony up for the good stuff.
  6. A swimming cap. Babies are attracted to mommies hair like flies to fly paper, which is appropriate, because somehow their little baby hands possess the same stick-factor.
  7. A case of beer and handle of vodka. I don't think I need to explain these necessities.


  1. In my case, substituent #5 with "a filing cabinet to hold the 15 reams of paper needed for an adoption." But the rest is PERFECT for all Mommys

  2. One fun to say product that I should have gotten? The Pee Pee TeePee. Of course lil'Raver is 6months old and the hubby still wants them. But then I couldn't giggle whenever the kid pees on him. Wheres the fun in that? It just wasn't cool when he was lettin' loose on me. :)
    And I've totally started sleeping in a pony tail, that has to be bad for something... But its the one late night feeding you forget... poof! Bald spot!


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