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Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Labor and Delivery

A few sage words of advice about Labor and Delivery:

The first most important rule of labor is: TAKE DRUGS. The second most important rule of labor is: TAKE DRUGS. Not only should you take the drugs, but you should take them the second they are offered to you. God put someone on this planet smart enough to invent the epidural. Say a quick thank you to the big man above for being so generous and order yourself one up. There is no reason to go through any pain. I didn’t and the most painful part of my entire birthing experience was getting the IV. Thank you, Jesus. Oh, and for all of you strong women out there that give birth without drugs, here is a small round of applause for you. Hippies. (Just kidding. Go, Ricki! Go, Ricki!)

See, look how happy drugs made me. And this was AFTER labor.
Also, take drugs after your delivery. They prescribe them to you for a reason. Your “area” will have received a beating 18x as bad as a pack of midgets could deliver with their tiny fists. You are not going to get hooked on aspirin and leave your baby crying in its crib while you get your next hit of Aleve. Take what the Dr prescribes you as directed. Once you feel pain, it is too late and you will be a crabby mommy and have a crabby baby.

Since you have now taken drugs and are a comfortable and happy mommy, one more note: take some stool softeners. Both while in, and after you are out, of the hospital. Believe me, after delivering your baby, pooping will become the scariest idea in the world to you. Painkillers tend to slow down the poop pipes. The last thing you want to be worried about when you are already in enough pain in the nether regions is a painful #2. If you take the stool softeners everything will go a little more…um…smoothly.

Also, don’t have the baby sleep in your room while you are in the hospital. Whether you had a great labor or a terrible one, you are exhausted and now is the last time you will have uninterrupted sleep for the rest of your life. Take advantage of it so you are the best and most alert mommy you can be when you head home. Leaving the hospital already strung out from lack of sleep is going to make the journey home and the settling into your new life HARD.

Oh! And take the hospital snot sucker home. These work 100x better than the ones at the store and when you need one at 2 a.m., you don’t want one that sucks (well, that doesn’t suck).


  1. LOL! The nose suckers at the hospital do work so much better than the ones you have to buy at the store. Plus every time they bring the baby in to you, take all the diapers out of the little bin. I came home with about 3 whole packs of diapers for free! My nurses are the ones who told me to do it:)

  2. Oh this was hilarious. Yes the most painful part pre-birth was the IV. Post-birth the most painful was the 5 stitches in the nether hell with Aleve I wanted the percocet. Very good advice.

    You and I share a brain.

    Also, I don't know if it is true every where or just at The Spa, but take home EVERYTHING you can get your hands on. They will give it all to you. Diapers, wipes, formula (for bottle feeders), extra pump parts and storage bottles (for breast feeders), blankets, that nose sucker thing (I have yet to find a superior one in a store. They don't exist.) You name it. It's yours.

    Loved this. Made me laugh and nod my head emphatically.

  4. Thanks, all. We didn't get to rob from the cart much since TQC was in the NICU, but we stole like the devil the last day there. :)

  5. This is beyond awesome. Comparing the photo of you, happy, serene, and not sweaty, is VASTLY different from the picture of my mom, whose hair was plastered to her head. She also looked slightly manic. She curled her hair when she went into labor, so, you know, she was not expecting it to be such a visceral experience I don't think.

  6. And if, heaven forbid, you need the Tucks Medicated Pads - search for & aquire the entire 5 gallon bucket of them! Besides what they are intended for, they're useful on the torn nether-regions, too. Very cooling.

    I enjoyed my epidural! I'd look over at the monitor & say "Hey look! I'm having a contraction! Groooooovy!" My ex, aka The Sperm Donor, wasn't there, but my Mom was & she had a good laugh.

  7. One word...AMEN!!!! ;o)

  8. LOL, I share a very different philosophy than you do on the drugs thing, but I still find the post awesome and hilarious. I am very thankful for all the medical advances we have available to us.

  9. Andy, thanks for enjoying even though you don't agree. You are awesome.

  10. I also like beer and babies, I am sort of sad that having a baby means no beer for a year. And when I say no beer, I really mean one with a steak dinner, every once in a while (cause I'm a rebel...and my doc said it was okay)

    But yes, everything in this post is true, except that I'm glad number two didn't go to the nursery, her face changed so much in the first 24 hours that I would have thought I got "baby swapped" by the hospital.

  11. I agree with everything you is scary sometimes!


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