Advice Under the Influence: Owning a Minivan

Well, this is the last episode of Advice Under the Influence. I hope you have enjoyed the series (and shared it so the lovely people at ulive will order up some more). Truth be told, this episode was my baby. I actually bolted out of the bed in the middle of the night with the inspiration for it and furiously typed it out around 2 a.m. And wow, did IKA Collective really do my dream justice. Check it out.

Behind the Douche Canoe

All you really need to know about this episode is that all of the footage involving the van was shot at my house. In my front yard. Right off a fairly busy street. My neighbors were all peeking out of their windows or full-on open-mouth gaping at me from their front yards. While I licked my “paws” and cleaned myself like a sexy kitten. On top of my minivan. In heels. And hot pants.

Yeah. We have to move now.

 Plus, how else would I know what I would look like if I wore "mom jeans"?

You're welcome.

Anyway. I hope you enjoyed the final episode of the Advice Under the Influence. If you want to ensure that I keep embarrassing myself on the internet, SHARE IT. With everyone you know. Everywhere. Facebook, Twitter, your uncle's gay porn site, your grandma's bingo newsletter. You get the idea. The more people who watch them, the more likely that the lovely people at ulive will order up another batch of my douche canoery. Thanks so much. I will send imaginary fountains full of wine, unicorns and chocolate to all who share.

Smooches,

The Beer Bitch


If you share this post, I will buy you a pony. I suck at Twitter. I am OK at Facebook. Pinterest is my bitch. I am also on Bloglovin' and Instagram.

Advice Under the Influence: Getting a Toddler Dressed

Welcome to another annoying episode of Advice Under the Influence. This week we will learn how to get our toddlers dressed and fight the effects of Toddler Erectile Dysfunction. Enjoy. 

Advice Under the Influence: Behind the Douche Canoe

1:05 Yeah, so that display of toddler dickery while getting dressed wasn't acting. That was the actual footage of me trying to get my daughter dressed. A-hole.

1:46 = entering sexy Dr mode. BOOYA!

2:21 This scene was shot outside in my backyard, where I introduced my New Yorker producer to what Midwest mosquitoes are like. He actually looked scared when he came inside. Hey, I warned him to douche himself in Deet before he went out there…

Anyway. I hope you enjoyed this episode of the Advice Under the Influence. If you want to ensure that I keep embarrassing myself on the internet, SHARE IT. With everyone you know. Everywhere. Facebook, Twitter, your uncle's gay porn site, your grandma's bingo newsletter. You get the idea. The more people who watch them, the more likely that the lovely people at ulive will order up another batch of my douche canoery. Thanks so much. I will send imaginary fountains full of wine, unicorns and chocolate to all who share.

Smooches,

The Beer Bitch

If you share this post, I will buy you a pony. I suck at Twitter. I am OK at Facebook. Pinterest is my bitch. I am also on Bloglovin' and Instagram.

Advice Under the Influence: Throwing a Kid's Party

Welcome to another annoying episode of Advice Under the Influence. This week we will get our party on and learn how to throw a kid's party without losing our minds. Enjoy. 

Advice Under the Influence: Behind the Douche Canoe

Meet Charla

First things first, that lovely lady with me at around :22 seconds is my amazing fried Charla. I asked her to help with this episode and she was a freaking natural at playing an annoying parent. We should make a gag reel of just the crap that came out of her mouth when asked to ad-lib what an annoying parent might say. Man, I love her. Plus, her daughter Cam is so cute I want to steal her.

Cake, anyone?

Next, see me being a douche canoe around :48 seconds? Yeah, about that. About two seconds after I did this I dropped that damn cake on the floor. Yeah. Balls.

Oh hell-to-the-no.

About that cake. See around 2 minutes when that adorable little girl attacks said cake with a bat? Yeah. That happened. This was all filmed at the beginning of August and I am STILL finding icing EVERYWHERE. Seriously. Plus, the cake incident trashed my rug and that rug really tied the room together, man.

Anyway. I hope you enjoyed this episode of the Advice Under the Influence. If you want to ensure that I keep embarrassing myself on the internet, SHARE IT. With everyone you know. Everywhere. Facebook, Twitter, your uncle's gay porn site, your grandma's bingo newsletter. You get the idea. The more people who watch them, the more likely that the lovely people at ulive will order up another batch of my douche canoery. Thanks so much. I will send imaginary fountains full of wine, unicorns and chocolate to all who share.

Smooches,

The Beer Bitch

If you share this post, I will buy you a pony. I suck at Twitter. I am OK at Facebook. Pinterest is my bitch. I am also on Bloglovin' and Instagram.

Advice Under the Influence: Potty Training

The thought that I am about to enter the potty training ring for a second bout makes me want to curl up in a corner with a bottle of tequila and not come out until my son is in college and has hopefully figured the whole thing out for himself. But alas, I will throw myself in front of the punches the potty has to hand out one more time so my son doesn't end up at his wedding in a poopy Pamper. After my first round in the potty training ring, I learned a trick or two. Like to hear 'em? Here it goes.

 Advice Under the Influence: Behind the Douche Canoe

First off, nothing like a good poop gag to start everything off, right? The pudding was smeared on my face for a few takes but I think that read too…um…poopy for public consumption. I was lucky to get any pudding at all with two chocolate sharks swimming about at knee level.

Around 1:18, Fatty could handle being out of the limelight no longer and decided to make her big debut…in the crapper. She is such an attention whore.

The Cool Cucumber's adorable face at 2:07 might be one of my favorite things about this whole series. Man, that kid kills me. I also love him at 2:29 when you can see him trying to "poop" like me. Ha!

Anyway. I hope you enjoyed this episode of the Advice Under the Influence. If you want to ensure that I keep embarrassing myself on the internet, SHARE IT. With everyone you know. Everywhere. Facebook, Twitter, your uncle's gay porn site, your grandma's bingo newsletter. You get the idea. The more people who watch them, the more likely that the lovely people at ulive will order up another batch of my douche canoery. Thanks so much. I will send imaginary fountains full of wine, unicorns and chocolate to all who share.

Smooches,

The Beer Bitch

If you share this post, I will buy you a pony. I suck at Twitter. I am OK at Facebook. Pinterest is my bitch. I am also on Bloglovin' and Instagram.

Advice under the Influence: Getting Your Toddler to Sleep

Welcome to the second episode of Advice Under the Influence: Getting Your Toddler to Sleep

 

Advice Under the Influence: Behind the Douche Canoe

So here's the scoop on this episode: I am a total Hollywood sellout. You know how people only get to the top in the film industry by jumping into bed with Hollywood big wigs? Well, I am sorry to break it to you, my friends, but I am no exception.

Why, you ask? Well…that man in bed with me around 20 seconds…is not ADD Daddy. It's actually my director/producer, Robbie. I know, I know. What a slutbag. Well, kind of...

You see, my house during filming was an absolute and total shitshow. Wires, lighting rigs, cameras, boom mics, production crew, etc. Oh, and two drunken midgets running around during it all.

Needless to say, someone had to corral those midgets while mama was making the magic happen and that someone was ADD Daddy. So while he was herding cats toddlers, me and Robbie hopped into the sack for a little alone time. On film. Surrounded by a room full of people. Yeah, it was like college all over again. Wait, never mind.

This all leads me to 1:14, where you again find Robbie in one of our familial beds. What the heck is up with this dude? He has a total Goldilocks complex.

Anyway. I hope you enjoyed this episode of the Advice Under the Influence. If you want to ensure that I keep embarrassing myself on the internet, SHARE IT. With everyone you know. Everywhere. Facebook, Twitter, your uncle's gay porn site, your grandma's bingo newsletter. You get the idea. The more people who watch them, the more likely that the lovely people at ulive will order up another batch of my douche canoery. Thanks so much. I will send imaginary fountains full of wine, unicorns and chocolate to all who share.

Smooches,

The Beer Bitch

If you share this post, I will buy you a pony. I suck at Twitter. I am OK at Facebook. Pinterest is my bitch. I am also on Bloglovin' and Instagram.  

Advice Under the Influence: Getting Your Toddler to Eat

Welcome to the world premier of Advice Under the Influence. I have waited a long, long time to share this with you all and am so excited that the day is finally here.

Today's episode of Advice Under the Influence is Getting Your Toddler to Eat. If you currently have toddlers (may God bless your exhausted and incredibly annoyed soul) you know how hard it is to get them to eat anything more nutritious than a Goldfish cracker they found between the couch cushions. Well I have been to the toddler trenches so I have a few knowledge bombs to drop on you.

Once you are done laughing at what a complete idiot with no sense of shame I am, and possibly peeing yourself a little, read on for your first taste of Advice Under the Influence: Behind the Douche Canoe.

Enjoy.

Advice Under the Influence: Behind the Douche 

Well, I hope you liked it. Here are a few inside looks at what it takes to make the magic happen:

Stick 'em up, toddlers!

At around :32 was when we discovered that The Quiet Contemplator may just give Daniel Day-Lewis a run for his Oscar-worthy money some day. Seriously, that kid has acting chops in spades.

They are not smelling what I'm cooking...

The Cool Cucumber? Not so much. We tried a few takes of the dinner scene at :56 and every time we would put the fish sticks down he would start shoving them down his gullet like a ravenous beast. But after a few tries, he started picking up what his sister was putting down and got on board with the whole "saying no to food for once in his life" idea. Watching him pick up on his sister's cues and start pushing his plate away and covering his head like she was one of the cutest things ever. (You can see an example of his shoveling around the 1:13 mark. Priceless.)

Bastard!

The down side of this whole episode? Teaching my son to flush Cheerios down the toilet like his sister constantly did as a toddler. That little f'er did that for WEEKS after the shoot. Every time I turned around he was trying to pour a box of cereal down the crapper. Excellent.

Anyway, hope you enjoyed the first of the Advice Under the Influence series. Don't worry, there will be more videos of me making a complete ass out of myself to come. But if you want to ensure that I keep embarrassing myself on the internet, SHARE THESE. With everyone you know. Everywhere. Facebook, Twitter, your uncle's gay porn site, your grandma's bingo newsletter. You get the idea. The more people who watch them, the more likely that the lovely people at ulive will order up another batch of my douche canoery. Thanks so much. I will send imaginary fountains full of wine, unicorns and chocolate to all who share.

Smooches,

The Beer Bitch

If you share this post, I will buy you a pony. I suck at Twitter. I am OK at Facebook. Pinterest is my bitch. I am also on Bloglovin' and Instagram.

Advice Under the Influence

Dear ILBAB,

So I'm preparing for my son's first birthday party. He was born last year on Black Friday so I have the misfortune of having to plan his party during/around Thanksgiving. Anyway, I'm the kind of person who is SUPER creative and I LOVE to do crafts. But I don't want to drive myself nuts doing all kinds of stuff from scratch by myself. On the other hand, I also don't want to break the bank with buying all the cutesy decorations, favors and stuff. So where do I draw the line? What is worth doing myself and what is best to just buy and save myself the grief? (Theme is turtles btw). Thanks.

Best regards,

Monica






Dearest Monica,

I feel your pain, sister. The Quiet Contemplator's birthday falls Thanksgiving week and The Cool Cucumber's Christmas week. Holidays are a bitch at our house.

For The Contemplator's first birthday, I went crazy with the theme. I matched the invites, cake, tablecloths, birthday signs, napkins, etc. The big day came, people ate my food, trashed my house and she just sat there crapping her pants and playing with cat toys. My point? Don't stress yourself out on the first go-round. Parties aren't that big of a deal for kids until AT LEAST three. Then, all they want to do is go to horrible places like Monkey Joe's and act like heathens while stuffing their face with processed sugar.

The Quiet Contemplator's 1st birthday party was a pirate princess theme, not to be confused with a pirate hooker.

Overall, it is all about perspective. Remember why you are doing this: to celebrate the birthday of your son, not to impress people with your Pinterest skills. Keep things easy and light for the first time. It will make it a heck of a lot less stressful on you, and, in turn, make your son enjoy it a lot more. Don't blow the budget on favors for a first birthday. Or even budget for them, really. What does a 1-y-o want for a favor beside food and a diaper change?

If you still feel the need to get crafty, I would recommend the invite and the party banners. Overall, just go with the things that give you the most visual bang for your buck. And, if you are still feeling frisky, you are welcome to create some circus-themed crap from my kids' joint 1st and 3rd birthday party in December. :). 


Anywho. Hope this helps.

Smooches,

The Beer Bitch

Advice Under the Influence

Not sure of whether to go with Playtex or Dr. Brown's? Looking for a way to keep your toddler from shaving your cat again? Want to know what to do when your husband pees on the toilet seat again? Well, the Dr. is in. Email me your query and I will put on my thinking cap and publish your question, along with my answer. 

Advice Under the Influence

Dear ILBAB,

I follow your blog and just came across a posting about your daughter wearing glasses and an eye patch. My youngest daughter just turned 1 and now has to wear glasses and a patch, but she hates it. How did you ever do it? She started wearing contacts at 8 weeks old but can no longer wear them so glasses are our only option now. She hates the glasses. She was born with cataracts in the right eye so she has no prescription in one lens and a very heavy one in the other. She wears a Pez brand of glasses with cable temples, not the type with a band that goes around her head. She uses the Ortopad patches, they are the only ones that don’t rip her skin off but she can peel them off so it’s a lose-lose situation. We have tried the no-no arm bands but no luck…

Thanks!

Beth


Dearest Beth,

Argh, sister. Welcome to the land of toddler piratedom. So it sounds like you have the most comfortable glasses possible. The Quiet Contemplator has the cable-style ones and they just stay on the best. Plus, she doesn't always look like she is heading out for a game of racquetball. No matter what you do though, she may just choose to hate them. We found that praising the crap out of the Contemplator while she was wearing them helped. Telling her how proud we were, how cool she looked, etc. Kids are just natural born narcissists, after all.

As far as the patch goes, we tried the stick-on ones until I found out there were alternatives. TQC either pulled them off herself or they just fell off due to the sweaty disgusting mess that is a toddler. Then I found Eye Mateys. They rock: www.eyemateys.com. They are made of felt and just slip around the arm of the glasses and onto the lens. They have a dark backing so no light gets in and they also have sides to protect from peeking. Plus, it is one of the only brands I found that offer infant/toddler sizes.

If your little girl still won't tolerate the patch, have you talked to your Dr about the drops? They dilate the good eye so your child is forced to use the bad eye to see, thus strengthening it and correcting the amblyopia.

In our case, the patching helped improve my daughter's amblyopia greatly, though it did nothing for the strabismus. Hence, her surgery. More to come on that in the future. Hope this helps.

Smooches,

The Beer Bitch

Advice Under the Influence

Not sure of whether to go with Playtex or Dr. Brown's? Looking for a way to keep your toddler from shaving your cat again? Want to know what to do when your husband pees on the toilet seat again? Well, the Dr. is in. Email me your query and I will put on my thinking cap and publish your question, along with my answer. 

Advice Under the Influence

Dear ILBAB,

So, I like food, my husband likes food, my toddler? Well, let's just say he is sustenance-ly challenged. He will be 3 in a couple of weeks and he refuses to try any new food. I have tried everything from cutting up food into fun shapes, making a game out of eating, promising delicious treats as reward for eating, blah, blah, blah. Everyone tells me, "he'll eat when he's hungry"...which is...never. If I tell him that he can get down from the table but let him know there won't be snacks (and keep to my guns), he doesn't care and won't ask for anything to eat later.


I just got him to start eating mac & cheese again (I know, NOT healthy), spaghettios, and pb sandwiches. He won't touch anything with fruit in it (including jelly, I'd wonder if is he adopted, but since I carried him for 9 months and went through labor with him...). He like peas, but for the most part, doesn't eat many veggies.

We do family dinners sitting down all together at the table. And no known food allergies. I try to fix him a plate of what we are having but he pushes it away and asks to get down.

At daycare, however, he eats all kinds of things. Green beans, chicken nuggets, tuna noodle casserole, and so on. I have tried to fix things that he supposedly eats at daycare, but he won't touch them at home.

He is growing and is not small for his age (95th percentile in height and 50th percentile in weight), so I shouldn't be concerned. But, I totally am. Any suggestions?

Sara

Dearest Sara,

I (and I am confident enough to say most other mommies) feel your pain. The dinner table and the potty chair have the same standing in my eyes: devices of parental torture. I have learned a few things along the torture trail, though.

1. Let them help make dinner. Kids get excited when they have a part in the process. Just stirring the macaroni in the water or picking out the pieces of bread for a sandwich helps them feel like they are helping and, in turn, makes them more willing to eat it.
2. Give a dinner table warning. Let your son know that you will be sitting down to eat soon. My daughter has responded better when we let her know it is coming instead of just picking her up from whatever she is destroying doing and plopping her in her chair.
3. Kind of ignore the whole eating issue while actually at the table. The attention, whether positive or negative, only seems to make the pressure mount on both parties. If he eats, great. Don't say anything about it. If he just sits and sulks, great. Don't say anything about it. After you have all finished eating, tell him thank you for sitting with the family for dinner and send him on his merry way to flush Cheerios down your toilet.
4. Don't try to be Supermom. What he is eating sounds good to me. Slap that pb on wheat and consider yourself a success. All these micro-managing mommies tend to make us feel like shit if our kids aren't eating organic kumquats and quinoa at every meal, but screw them. Food is food. As long as he doesn't survive on Kool-Aid and Cheetos, you are doing a hell of a job.
5. Hide little stuff if you can. Puree crap and shove it in anywhere you can if you feel he needs more nutrients. It he likes peas, add some spinach. If he likes mac n cheese, puree in some carrots and cauliflower. Some people think this is trickery. I like to think or it more like magic. Now you see the spinach, now you don't TA-DA!
6. And last but not least, don't sweat it if he doesn't eat. You just said he eats at daycare. He isn't going to starve to death from one meal to the next. The simple fact is: he just might not be all that hungry.

Bottom line: you are doing everything right. Pour yourself some Pinot, load up an episode of Gossip Girl and relax. Your kid sounds awesome, healthy and, most importantly, NORMAL!

Smooches,

The Beer Bitch

Advice Under the Influence

Not sure of whether to go with Playtex or Dr. Brown's? Looking for a way to keep your toddler from shaving your cat again? Want to know what to do when your husband pees on the toilet seat again? Well, the Dr. is in. Email me your query and I will put on my thinking cap and publish your question, along with my answer. 

Advice Under the Influence

Dear ILBAB,

My mother always gives us (me, my husband and son) weird gifts we don't like. Of course I know that she's doing this out of love, but everything just gets exchanged or donated. She often asks what to get for birthdays or Christmas, but no matter whether I tell her specific items or tell her not to get anything, she always ends up giving us something wacky. How can I get her to stop without admitting we don't like her gifts?

Thank you!!

Jenn

Dearest Jen,

Welcome to having a family. I can't tell you how many hideous sweaters, ugly decorations and weird knick-knacks I have gotten over the years, let alone the Disney-adorned clothing or age-inappropriate toys my children have received. Enough to clothe, furnish and entertain a small Ethiopian village, I imagine. You are not alone in the horrible gift department, but put things into perspective that at least you have people who love you enough to go out and buy you really shitty gifts. However, warm and fuzzy feelings aside, a few strategies might work to resolve the problem.

One thing I have thought about is letting family know that we have a new home and kids and would love gift cards to help us decorate and fix up the house, and you know, feed the kids and stuff. This will let them off the hook of looking for the perfect gift and help me get shit done. Win-win, right? You can do the same. Just let the fam know gift cards would be much appreciated and see if they cough them up instead of another set of matching reindeer sweaters for the family.

Not comfortable asking for gift cards? If you have any projects you need done, ask for specific things to help with them. Redoing the dining room? Ask for your mom to buy you the chairs you want for it. Adding a playroom? Ask for specific toys to go in it. Tell her you want her to be part of the project so she can feel needed and also feel like she is appreciated. Then she might be more willing to listen to your specific requests.

If logic shows no budge in the shitty gift department, go weird. Start buying her equally inappropriate gifts. Did she get your son a size 5 coat when he is only 2? Get her some pajamas that are 3x too big and no explanation to why. Did she buy you a hideous set of countrified candle holders to go on your fireplace when everything in your house is modern? Get her a creepy new-age statue for her coffee table, though you know she is traditional. It won't resolve the problem in any way, but at least it will be entertaining.

Hope this helps.

Smooches,

The Beer Bitch

Advice Under the Influence

Not sure of whether to go with Playtex or Dr. Brown's? Looking for a way to keep your toddler from shaving your cat again? Want to know what to do when your husband pees on the toilet seat again? Well, the Dr. is in. Email me your query and I will put on my thinking cap and publish your question, along with my answer. 

Advice Under the Influence

Dear I Like Beer and Babies:

We're on our way to having two. Our son will be almost 2.5 when "Dos Equis" (my wishful thinking for a girl) arrives. Are you nervous about your kids sleeping in the same room? I'm worried one will keep the other up or wake each other up when they would have slept longer, so I haven't decided if they will be in the same room. Also we are moving at Christmas into a house we haven't found yet, so it's probably going to be very possible each kid could have their own room.

Basically my question is: make them bunk in the same room and just learn to sleep through the other's foolishness, thereby hardening my children's and my own constitutions (and giving me a full on guest/craft room), or let them have their separate rooms to keep the peace?

-First World Problem Mom


 
Dear FWPM,

First off, I will say that I have absolutely no background of expertise on this subject, but, needless to say, I have opinions on everything. If any of you mamas have experience in this particular area, please comment and let FWPM in on your experience.

Second, let me say, that moving, into a yet-to-be found house, with a toddler, during Christmas, while you can't get drunk to dull the pain, is INSANE, woman. What ARE you thinking?

OK, moving on. So in our situation, bunking up wasn't a choice, but a necessity. We live in a loft and there is no third bedroom to stick My Sponsor in. However, I think that if I DID have the choice, I would still have them share sleeping quarters and have the third room as a play area for their stuff. We raised The Quiet Contemplator to sleep through a dumptruck driving through a nitroglycerin plant. She will sleep through anything and hopefully will sleep through baby brother crying…but only time will tell. Even if she doesn't, it is only a matter of time before their will breaks and they get used to the situation (hopefully before my will to live does). Hell, the Bradys did it and they only has one bad kid. Man, that Jan just ruined everything.

So, my opinion is: keep on crafting, mama. The kids will work it out.

Smooches,
The Beer Bitch

Got a problem for The Beer Bitch? Submit your query to Advice Under the Influence.

Advice Under the Influence

Yay! We have our first request for advice. It seems our friend is having a KadrASSian-sized conundrum about getting her sweetie to pop the questions. Read on to learn more.


Dear I Like Beer and Babies:

I have been with my boyfriend for more than a decade now, and we have been living together for nearly that long. I know he has a ring, but I can't help getting mad that wretched gross evil people have gotten married and here I am still sitting on the sidelines. How do I stop feeling like wearing a white dress is a competition that I am constantly losing? Especially when people who are famous for *ahem* get married, make a ton of cash, and then get a quickie divorce.

Sincerely,
Can't Help Competing



Dear CHC,

First off, here is some food for thought: getting married just gives your husband a document that makes it legal for him to fart in public while you are stuck next to him as the women who vowed to stay with him in good times and in bad. Is it really worth the free toaster?

Second, if it has been ten years and you know the ring exists and its location, just start wearing it and telling everyone the good news. Men are very forgetful. Chances are, if you "remind him" of how romantic his proposal was and slip in a few details that sound true to his character--like the fact that he forgot the champagne so he brought Miller High Life instead--he will most likely believe you.

Third, I am pretty sure there is a commandment about Thou Shall Not Covet a Kardashian's Anything. If not, there should be. Also, the "famous" people you are talking about are often only famous for making a sex tape. So, if you are looking to make some cold hard cash off your nuptials, maybe set up a "recording studio" in your garage, find yourself a B-list celebrity partner and you are minutes away from uploading to youtube stardom. (BTW, etiquette guru Lizze Post said that the aforementioned "famous" person should return all of her gifts, so even if you do the quickie wedding, no toaster for you.)

Smooches,
The Beer Bitch

Got a problem for The Beer Bitch? Submit your query to Advice Under the Influence.