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Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Oops, I crapped my pants. Seriously.

I ran a half marathon on Sunday. It was my first long distance race since before I got pregnant with The Quiet Contemplator. It was awesome. I am running another one next Sunday. Yes, I am an idiot.

I'm the bee-yotch on the right.

After I was finished the race (I crossed the finish line carrying both of my babies--best and worst decision ever), my friends and I decided to go out and eat a lot of horrible food and drink a lot of shitty beer. It was a wonderful Sunday. I went to bed early and slept like the dead. Until around midnight...

Suddenly I could no longer sleep and my stomach was cramping uncontrollably. This continued until around, well, hopefully it will let up any minute now... Yeah, I got food poisoning from that shitty food.

Needless to say, the last two days have been less-than-pleasant. There are two ends that food poisoning can come out of and mine always seems to head south.

Anyway. The POINT of this story is that parenting on your own (ADD Daddy has to work late the next two days) while you have food poisoning is not for the weak of heart...or stomach. I have spent a good portion of my last two days on the pot (and not the good kind). And, of course, none of that time was spent alone.

My son sees my weakened state as an excellent excuse for an all-you-can-read book fest that includes his own personal Mommy-on-a-throne.

My daughter thinks my current situation is the perfect time to practice her color commentary skills. I get an incredibly descriptive play-by-play of every noise and facial expression, along with a critique of the color and consistency of my poo plays.

So, yeah, I crapped my pants today. How was your day?

If you share this post, I will buy you a pony. I suck at Twitter. I am OK at Facebook. Pinterest is my bitch. I am also on Bloglovin' and Instagram.


  1. Poor mama! I couldn't share on Twitter because my phone it being a douche. I did share on FB and told my friends to check out your blog!

  2. And you're still blogging?? You are superhuman!

  3. Hahahaha! Everyone seems to be in a shitty situation this week!

  4. Oh no! Well... at least you haven't pooped the bed yet... right?

  5. Omg, I ran the 5 k that morning. Congrats on your first half since baby. Sucky poopy bottom. Good luck in recovery and next weekend's half!

  6. Oh god hahaha I am dying. Here's the story of me shitting myself in hopes to make you feel a little better...

    I was 18 at the time and in college (right before I got pregnant). My boyfriend came up to visit and we took some hallucinogens. I've experimented plenty of times before and never had this happen. When it started kicking in, I had the urge to shit so badly. I ran to the toilet and shit so much I felt the need to shower. Anyways.

    Fast forward like five hours. My boyfriend had scared me earlier in the night so I decided to get him back. He went to the bathroom and I hid under my desk with the lights out. Apparently he got distracted looking at his face in the mirror for like 20 minutes, meanwhile I'm under the table in squat position. All of a sudden, I shit myself. It was uncontrollable and I didn't even get a warning. The second I got out from under the table, my boyfriend walked in and I didn't even get to scare him.

  7. Congrats on your half and... ugh. That is the worst way to celebrate! :(


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