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Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Toddler Erectile Dysfunction

There is a new epidemic hitting the toddler set today. It is a sad and horrible condition that affects not only the children who have it, but also their parents and loved ones. It is a silent disease. You may not even know your child has it until it is too late. It is called Toddler Erectile Dysfunction*. But this terrible condition doesn't just affect male children. No, it is just as prevalent in females. Here are just a few signs that your child may be afflicted with Toddler Erectile Dysfunction.

Symptoms of Toddler Erectile Dysfunction (TED):
Getting a Stiffy
Trying to buckle your child into their carseat and they get as rigid as a schoolmarm on sex education day? Your child may have TED.
Trying to put your child in the stroller so you can go for a nice walk in the park and they go stiffer than Ron Jeremy? Your child may have TED.
Trying to give your child a bath and they pop a full-body boner the second their toes touch the water? Your child may have TED.

Going Limp
Trying to get your toddler dressed because you are already 10 minutes late for work and your kid turns into a bowl of JELL-O? Your child may have TED.
Trying to put your toddler down so you can put the box of wine in the cart at The Target and they turn into a puddle of goo? Your child may have TED.
Trying to pick your child up after a full-on meltdown at a birthday party and they turn into a boneless jellyfish? Your child may have TED.

Causes of Toddler Erectile Dysfunction (TED):
Scientists have pontificated that the contraction TED is a direct result of toddlers being batshit crazy little beings that can't be swayed with any sort of reasoning.

Diagnosing Toddler Erectile Dysfunction (TED):
Chances are, if you have a toddler, they are already affected by Toddler Erectile Dysfunction. If you haven't seen any signs yet, the disease may be lying dormant, waiting for you to be in a public place where TED's symptoms will be most humiliating.

Treating Toddler Erectile Dysfunction (TED):
If you think your child may be experiencing symptoms of Toddler Erectile Dysfunction, grab the nearest bottle of booze you can find and take a big swig.

You can help cure TED.
Though there is currently no cure for Toddler Erectile Dysfunction, there is hope for the future. Join me in fighting TED by donating just five minutes of your time each day (the time it takes to make a cup of coffee) and drinking yourself silly. Every swig you take will get us one step closer to beating this horrible disease, or at least from giving a shit about it.

That, and sharing this post. Because if you don't, you will get a raging case of The Herpes.

*Toddler Erectile Dysfunction is a completely made-up condition. If you thought it was real, you need more than a drink.
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