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Wednesday, April 24, 2013

My Husband has "Man Hands"

So my husband is a wonderful man. He does the dishes, actually knows when our kids eat, sleep and poop, made late-night mozzarella stick runs for me when I was pregnant, cleans the litter box, etc. But, unfortunately, he is still a man. Therefore, he has what I refer to as “Man Hands”. This dreaded affliction causes him to do some very stupid things. See below for just a taste of the good stuff.

The Wet Vac Incident

So my poor obese cat frequently gets UTIs. The unfortunate result of this is a sick kitty cat that pees in the house. One such day, my husband found the puddle on the carpet and said he would clean it. Sweet. Thanks. Yeah, I regretted that response five minutes later. I come back in the room to find my husband using our regular vacuum cleaner to vacuum up the pee. The rest of the conversation went something like this:

Him: Cleaning up the cat pee.
Me: With the VACUUM?
Him: Yeah. Why?
Me: Because it isn’t a WET VAC!
Him: What’s the difference?
Me: The ability to vacuum up WET things.
Him: Why does it matter.
Me: Because now there is cat pee in the electronic-y part of the vacuum and cat pee in the dust bin.
Him: So?
Me: So that probably isn’t good.
Him: So?
Me: So you get to do all of the vacuuming from now on.

All Dish Soaps are Not Created Equal

One Tuesday morning, my husband was nice enough to do all the dishes and start the dishwasher before he headed out for work. Awesome, right? Wrong. Twenty minutes later, I hear a weird sound from the kitchen. I go in to check on it and find my entire kitchen flooding with water and foam. “WTF?,” I think to myself. Then it hits me: the hubs used dish soap in place of dishwasher detergent. After I clean up the kitchen, I call to confirm.

Me: Did you put dish soap in the dishwasher instead of dish detergent?
Him: Yeah. We were out of detergent. Why?
Me: Because it flooded the entire kitchen.
Him: That sucks. Why did it do that?
Me: Because you can’t put dish soap in the dishwasher.
Him: Why?
Me: Because the detergent you use in the dishwasher is non-foaming. Dish soap isn’t.
Him: Well that’s stupid.
Me: Not really. It’s science or something.
Him: Well that’s stupid.
Me: Um, OK. Just don’t do that again.
Him: OK.

Please Don't Ever Be Nice And Wash My Car For Me

So I come home from work one Friday to find my new car all shiny and freshly washed. My husband had spent the day hand-washing it so it would look all swanky clean for me to drive up to the wineries with my girlfriends who were visiting the next day. What a sweet man I married. Before said girlfriends arrived in town, I had to go to the store to stock the house with the appropriate amount of booze and cheese-filled goodness. So, I headed out to the garage to take my shiny new wheels for a spin.

Much to my horror, I noticed that the driver’s side door of my new car no longer had the sheen of a new paint job, but more resembled the flat, scratched-up crappy paint job of a beater you would find at the junkyard. I go back in the house and the following conversation ensued:

Me: Did you do something to the door of my car when you were washing it today?
Him: No. Why?
Me: Because the paint is all scratched up in a weird circular pattern.
Him: All I did was clean the bird poop off of the side of it.
Me: What did you clean it with?
Him: The green sponge in the sink.
Me: You mean the green scratch pad in the sink?
Him: Yeah. Why?
Me: Because that is a heavy-duty scratch pad, not a sponge.
Him: So?
Me: So it not only takes crusted food off pans but it also takes the paint off of cars.
Him: I think you are making a bigger deal of this than it really is.
Me: Seriously? You basically used a BRILLO PAD to clean bird sh*t off of my car.
Him: It isn’t that big of a deal.
Me: Seriously? I have owned that car for less than a month and now the paint is ruined on the driver’s side.
Him: It isn’t that big of a deal.
Me: Seriously? Do you think using a scratch pad to wash the car was a GOOD idea?
Him: It isn’t that big of a deal.
Me: Seriously? Just get me a beer and don’t talk to me for a while.

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