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Tuesday, April 9, 2013

If Men Were on Pinterest

My husband recently said that he was thinking about getting on Pinterest. I immediately started laughing hysterically. He asked why it was so funny and I said because I was thinking of what a straight man's Pinterest boards would look like. Here is what I imagine they would be:

Shit my wife will never let me buy
This board would be filled with pins about fancy boats, expensive cars, motorcycles, samurai swords, grenade launchers, etc. All ridiculously expensive crap that all men covet and few ever realize because a woman comes into their lives and ruins all of their fun. Because, really, who doesn't need a life-size replica of a civil war cannon that shoots cantaloupes out of it at 300 miles per hour?

Dead things I can cook on the grill
This board will strictly contain things about meat, meat and more meat. Beer butt chicken, ribs, meat rubs, sauces, you name it. If it used to cluck, moo, baa, oink or quack, it is on this board. And soon will be on fire.

Rabbit food for the grill
This will contain pins about things that you can cook on the grill that are not meat. You gotta make the wife happy, after all.

Because in a man's eyes (and mine) bacon deserves its own special place. A place not to be sullied by other pins. Just an ode to sweet, sweet swine fat.

Fantasy baseball/football shit
Dear God. Fantasy leagues. If your husband is a Fantasy man, you know how all-consuming they can be. My husband even makes a pilgrimage out of state once a year so he can "draft his team" while I am stuck alone with the youngins. So, while he is hours away eating pizza and drinking copious amounts of beer, I have to man the fort alone with two seemingly inebriated midgets. FTW? To even the playing field, I am starting a Fantasy MasterChef league. For irony's sake, we will hold our draft at the local Applebee's. Mudslides and Riblets for all!

Shit I can make with my hands
Or, more appropriately titled, "Shit that can help me lose a finger". This board is all about the man projects. This is probably the most realistic board for the Pinterest circuit. Because none of the shit on this board will ever see the light of day. And if they do, the projects will most certainly be abandoned halfway through. In the middle of our living room. After it has been covered with a fine layer of sawdust. And paint. And grease.

Power tools and shit
This board contains more power. And lost fingers.

Shit that will get me drunk
Cocktail recipes, beers that can only be found in impossible and faraway places, bourbons, bar designs, cocktail glasses, beer bongs, etc. This board is all about booze. I like this board. A lot. Men shouldn't use this board and the "Shit I can make with my hands" board together. I am serious about the lost finger thing. Gross.

Pictures of boobs
Enough said.

Shit my wife would like
Really, this board should be titled, "Shit that will help me get laid." This board gets started because the man sees something his wife will like and pins it. This only happens once and the board is quickly abandoned to pin more things like videos of a chimpanzee who sticks its finger in its butt, smells it, then falls off a tree branch. Man, I loved that video.

I am on the damn time-suck that is Pinterest. You can follow me here.

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