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Tuesday, February 24, 2015

21 things you should never say to a pregnant woman

Things you should never say to a pregnant woman.

Wow, you’re so small.
I know you mean that in a complimentary way, but all I hear is, “Wow, are you sure your baby is OK?” Which leads me to freak out about the size of my baby and start Googling whether or not my baby is OK, which never ends well. 

Wow, you’re so big.
I don’t care if I blow up like the god damned Goodyear balloon. Keep it to yourself. I am pregnant. Being pregnant tends to make a girl gain a little bit of weight. Yes, I look like I swallowed a beach ball, but zip it, Lippy, before I punch you in the gizzard. 

Was it a surprise?
Well, no. By my age, I hope I am smart enough to have figured out the whole birth control thing. Plus, I really don’t want to divulge to you whether this was premeditated or the accidental result of a quickie in the backseat of my boyfriend’s Mustang.

Can I touch your belly?
No. But since you asked and didn’t just go for it, I will let you live. You’re welcome.

Are you hoping for a boy or a girl?
I am hoping for a baby. That is my only really pony in this pregnancy race. Oh, and maybe a pony. I am hoping for a pony too.

You know, it’s really actually 10 months.
You know, it’s really annoying when people point that out.

Well, when I was pregnant…
Lemme just stop you there, sister. I am going through this like I am the only person who has even been pregnant in the history of the earth. So I don’t want to hear about your negligible weight gain or horrendous hemorrhoids. Thanks for the info though.

Have you picked out a name yet?
Yes, but I don’t want to know if you dated someone with the same name in high school and they broke your heart or whatever so let’s just go with “no”. 

You really shouldn’t eat/drink/do that when you’re pregnant.
You really shouldn’t give a pregnant woman advice. I could sit on you and smother you to death. 

Well, elephant are pregnant for 22 months so you don’t have it so bad.
*Blank stare followed by me walking away*

Are you sure it isn’t twins?
Well, when that leprechaun under the bridge held a rock over my belly and told me there was only one, I believed him. But apparently you have some sort of 6th sense about these things so I will have him check again.

By the way you are showing, I bet you’re having…
A puppy. How did you guess!

Do you plan on breastfeeding?
Thank for asking, but I really don’t want to discuss the future state of my nipples with you, weird lady from accounting.

Are you going to quit your job when the baby comes?
Thank you for setting women back a century by asking that. Now please excuse me while I fetch my master his slippers.

Sleep now because you will never sleep again.
This person is dead now. Because I killed them.

Enjoy your life while you still can.
I know, right? Because this ball and chain in my belly is about to make an appearance and ruin EVERYTHING. I really wish I would have thought this through more before pulling the goalie.

Are you going to have a natural birth?
No. I plan on being higher than Willie Nelson when I am bearing down. God put someone on this planet smart enough to invent the epidural and I am surely going to take advantage of that invention while I try to push a watermelon out of something the size of a lemon.

I thought you didn’t want kids!
Yes, based on that conservation we had 10 years ago at a frat party while wasted on red headed sluts, that is totally true. I am such a liar.

Good luck. My labor was terrible.
Thanks for that. Because it’s not like I am going to have to go through it anytime soon or anything. Or that I constantly wake up in a cold sweat in the middle of the night fearing that I am going to poop on the table.

Aren’t you a little young/old to have a baby?
*insert sounds of crickets here*

You’re still pregnant?
People seriously asked me this. Repeatedly. Usually when someone would ask me if I was still pregnant when I looked like a human weeble wobble, it resulted in me having a crazed look that was so intense that all the asker did was slowly back away while maintaining eye contact. Smart move.


This post was written by me and originally appeared on Healthline.

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1 comment:

  1. I heard so many of these when I was pregnant. What is wrong with people? The "I could sit on you and smother you to death" made me laugh out loud. I threatened people with this while I was pregnant:-)

    ReplyDelete

I love hearing from you. It reinforces that writing this blog is not just a silly waste of my brain matter. If you leave a douche canoe comment, I will delete it. I am powerful like that.

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