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Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Harvey and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Twos

My son has recently entered the terrible twos. Well, I am not sure if that is what is happening or if he is possessed by a demon. I'm hoping it is demon possession because that is way easier to fix.

Its bad. Real bad. I mean so bad that those of you looking to expand your families should stay tuned because I may soon have a gently-used two-year-old up for sale in the next few weeks. Or hours. Fuck.

Here are just a few things that have elicited a toddler-size rage in my son in the last TWO DAYS:
  1. I made him put on socks.
  2. I made him throw away the banana peels he was grinding into the carpet.
  3. I made him stop standing in the freezer and throwing all the food onto the ground.
  4. I made him put on pants.
  5. I tried to feed him a carrot.
  6. I gave him milk when apparently he wanted another beverage.
  7. I made him put shoes on.
  8. I put on Thomas instead of Spider-man.
  9. I wiped his snotty nose.
  10. I made him stop licking the cat (seriously).
  11. I made him put a coat on.
  12. I gave him the wrong color woobie (blankie)
  13. I changed his poop-filled diaper.
  14. I gave him water in the wrong cup.
  15. I held his hand in the parking lot so he didn't get hit by a car.
  16. I wouldn't let him beat an umbrella against the glass at the zoo.
  17. I wouldn't let him open a 25th package of crackers when he had eaten none of the previous 24.
  18. I put shorts on him and his knees were naked.
  19. I took my prescription bottle away from him so he couldn't down an entire bottle of antidepressants.
  20. I made him put on pants again. I know, I'm a real bitch about the pants thing.

So, needless to say, The Cool Cucumber is not very "Cool" at the moment. Though I guess he sort of resembles a cucumber because he is being a real dick at the moment. Please send prayers. And alcohol.

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  1. I was with you until you said you made him put on pants. What kind of a mother are you? And then you did it again!!! Terrible.

    So this is what I have to look forward to, huh?

  2. I can so relate! I have an almost 3 year old a-hole. I keep hoping this means she's getting out of her system before she hits the teens! It's like living in bipolar world. I don't know which child will wake up from her nap, nice, sweet girl or raging demon child! To compound the issue, I'm pregnant with no alcohol to help me get thru!

  3. Mine too, definitely the terrible threes ( they are way worse then twos for us anyway). 3 yr old boy sometimes my sweet little angel that wants to hug and kiss and then I piss him off..... He throws stuff at me, hits me and keeps going until I freak out and lock myself in the bathroom. Time outs haven't worked yet, when I yell at him he laughs at me, I've also tried spanking but he thinks it's hilarious...I'm Goin out of my mind

  4. Oh dear god.
    Sorry, I can't even think of anything witty to say. that blows. Here's some wine.

  5. 18 happened last year with my (then) 2 year old son. He just kept screaming and pointing at his legs screaming, "My pants! My pants are too short! My pants! My pants!" Ha ha...priceless!

  6. Ha. Pants are the me.

  7. Hahaha. My daughter Stella is 28 months old and I SO could have written this list.
    Also, my 3 month old is named Harvey. I've never "met" anyone else with the same penchant for little old people names! :)

  8. As long as he doesnt scream because you made him eat Ted Drewes....

  9. Naked knees - the latest epidemic. lol Seriously, been there done that. I remember my littlest hated pants with a passion and it drove Daddy nutz. One day I said "Put some pants on" as it was close to time for him to arrive home. The response? "Why, we going somewhere?" tsk tsk. "NO, but everyone else wears pants and so should you." glare. "Besides your Dad is on his way home." disappear to find pants. I would have Dad arriving home at all hours of the day if I gave a shit as to if she had on pants, but unless we were going out, I didn't care. She was easy to potty train, maybe it's connected?
    I truly believe that being hard on them during the toddler years is why I can now take them anywhere without fear of embarrassment. ;) Hold strong!!

  10. Take heart; I hear it gets better. WHEN, I don't know, but...

  11. naked knees!!! that's epic, loved this. I have a 4y/o and I still remember the terrible 2s very well


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