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Tuesday, September 3, 2013

The Confessional: The Great Nutri-Grain Bar Incident.

Today we have a guest post from M. She is being very honest and confessing something that I know at least I have done one...or 20 times. Kudos, girl.

I love my children to the moon and back, but I'll be honest, sometimes other mommies (and daddies) and their obsession with their picture-perfect-never-annoying-everything-they-do-is-oh-so-adorable children, drive me insane.  So many times I want to jump through the computer screen, stand in front of them with my hands on my hips and say, "c'mon. Let's be serious. Your kid pisses you off sometimes too. Just admit it."

And I'm convinced that any parent that tells you that their child never annoys them, is a liar.

Most days I feel like I am parenting in 'survival mode,' just counting down the hours until nap time or bedtime when I can get a tiny break... but sometimes that break doesn't come soon enough. And when you mix mommy-overload with pregnancy hormones and a lack of Zoloft, parenting catastrophes occur.

Let's be clear, I'm not a perfect mommy (is there such a thing?) and I will be the first to admit that I have my mommy downfalls...

I'm not against occasionally lying to my child. "No, sorry. Having cookies for breakfast is against the law" has escaped my lips several times...the same lips that are trying to hide the fact that mommy has just stuffed her face with a homemade chocolate chip cookie at 8:30am.

I'm not against ignoring my child. Sorry kiddo, but after I have responded to your 43 calls for "Mooooommy" and you continue to chant "mom, mom, mooooommy," I'm turning up my invisible ear phones and pretending like I don't hear that annoying shriek from the backseat.

But there are those moments, when even I think to myself, "Whoa. What the hell did I just do? This just sealed the deal- I will never be nominated for Mother of the Year." And then I usually proceed to hide in the bathroom for ten minutes, staring at myself in the mirror as I watch my tears fall and curse myself for being a horrible mother.

But a few days later, when I feel comfortable enough confiding in a friend to tell her my embarrassing motherhood moment and I relive the words as I speak them out loud, I realize...

This is fucking hilarious.

And without further ado, my first confessional will forever be known as... 

It's no surprise that I am a huge wuss when it comes to the first trimester of pregnancy. For those of you who have experienced the woes, you know what I mean. For those of you who never had bad morning sickness with your pregnancies, I hate you. For those of you who have never been pregnant, imagine having a terrible hangover for seven weeks straight (the nausea, the fatigue, the headache... oh the misery). It's also no secret that I've battled post-partum depression and have been on Zoloft since having Charlotte. However, after finding out I was pregnant, I made the difficult decision to wean myself off of the antidepressant. Combine raging hormones, feeling lousy and lack of medication and you are left with one very unstable momma.

The morning in question, I was in a hurry to get in the shower and get Lily off to preschool. Normally, showering is a pretty uneventful ritual, but standing in one place for 10 minutes in a hot steamy shower when nine weeks pregnant can induce vomiting like you would not believe. Since one of my goals this pregnancy is "above all else, do not barf" I knew I had to take precautions and make sure I had a small snack prior to getting in the shower. Having close to nothing in our cupboards, it took for-ev-er to find something that didn't make my stomach churn. Eventually, I settled on the last strawberry Nutri-Grain bar.

At the sound of the crinkling wrapper, Charley was soon hugging my knees and demanding "Some? Pwease? Some?"

Against my better judgement, I handed my snack over to Charley, expecting her to take a small nibble and hand the bar back.

Instead, she looked me in the eyes and with a two-handed death grip, began squeezing the Nutri-Grain bar between her tiny fingers. I watched in horror as my precious Nutri-Grain bar began bleeding it's strawberry ooze and began crumbing into pieces on the floor.

I screamed "Nooooo!" in my best overly dramatic screech, but to no avail.

I tried prying apart her tiny fingers in an attempt to salvage just a tiny bite, but this girl was on a mission.

Operation: Destroy Nutri-Grain Bar.

I managed to grab a clump of strawberry mush when I realized it was a lost cause.

And that's when I did the unthinkable.

I looked my 20-month-old toddler in the eye and shouted "You little asshole!"

As if that weren't horrible enough, I chucked the wad of Nutri-Grain mush at her chest, stormed off into the bathroom and slammed the door.

I just had my first pregnant temper-tantrum...and good Lord was I embarrassed. It would have been embarrassing in and of itself, but my husband was there for the entire incident. Soon he was in the bathroom, arms folded in front of him as he watched me try to compose myself as I clutched the sink and choked back sobs.

"What the hell was that?!"

"I don't know. I just don't know. It just...came out."

"Kate, you get mad at me when I tell the kids they are being brats. You just called our not-even-two-year-old an asshole!"

"I know, I know. I'm a horrible person."

"No you're not......but if she says asshole, it's totally your fault this time." (thanks dear hubby)

I'm happy to report that I was able to shower (sans Nutri-Grain bar) without vomiting and Charley seems to have recovered from her mommy's tantrum without being traumatized or severely damaged. In fact, she hasn't said "asshole" even once.

So there you have it. My first "I'm not a perfect parent, my kids piss me off and I make mistakes" post.

Or in other words...

Parenting: Nailed it!
If you share this post, I will buy you a pony. I suck at Twitter. I am OK at Facebook. Pinterest is my bitch. I am also on Bloglovin' and Instagram.

1 comment:

  1. I just snorted so hard reading this that I woke up my baby. Thanks for the laugh!


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