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Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Are you ready for potty training?

There are a lot of quizzes out there to see if your child is ready for potty training. But the real question is, are you?

Take this handy quiz to see if you've got what it takes to take the potty head-on.

Do you have at least one case of beer, a box of wine and a handle of vodka on hand?
If the answer is no to even one of the above, you are not ready. Trust me. You are going to need a shitload of booze to get through this. Potty training is like prison and you don't want to be stuck having to brew a last minute batch of toilet hooch once your are on bathroom lockdown now do you? I didn't think so. Proceed to your nearest liquor store to stock up before you even THINK of pulling out the potty chair.

Do you have another vice to turn to when the booze runs dry?
Coffee, cross-stitch, chocolate, cigarettes, black tar heroin; whatever vice you choose, make sure you have a lot of it on hand. You are going to need more than just copious amounts of alcohol to get you through these next few torturous months. Whatever poison you pick, be sure to stock up with twice as much as you think you are going to need. What are you waiting for? Head to Hobby Lobby/call your dealer already.

Do you get claustrophobic in small, stinky places?
Because you are about to be stuck in the bathroom for an hour or more while your toddler tries to drop a deuce. If this makes you all itchy inside, you need to seek some therapy to work on your phobia before you proceed to the potty. Call your local shrink and have them try some immersion therapy on you. Baby steps, my friend. Baby steps.

Are you prepared for the pee and poo-splosions?
There is about to be pee and poop everywhere. The bathroom, the bedroom, the living room, the kitchen. And guess who has to clean it up? You. Are you prepared to get dirty in the trenches to not have to change a diaper again? Because if you are not, you are not ready for the war that is potty training. Proceed directly to the changing table. Do not pass Go. You are not ready, young Jedi.

Are you ready to give up your social life?
Potty training is a huge time commitment. If you aren't ready to spend the next month of your life in the bathroom cheering your little one on while they try to tinkle, you might not be ready. If you have any plans to be away from home at all, you aren't ready. In order for potty training to work, you kind of have to be on fun lockdown. If you aren't willing to give up luxuries like venturing out of the house more than once a month, than you aren't ready for potty training.
Do you have a filled prescription for Xanax ready?
Potty training is hard on the nerves. I highly recommend getting a prescription for Xanax before you begin. You probably won't need it, but it is better to have it ready-and-rearin' just in case than to look like a strung out psychopath while waiting for it to be filled at The Target. So before you head to the loo, hit up your OB/primary care physician/black alley hooker for a bottle of happy happy calm calm.

If you have answered no to one or more of the questions above, you aren't ready for the hell that is potty training. Stock up on Pampers and come back to me in a month, or a year, or when college applications are due.

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