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Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Stop playing with my toys!

Though I buy my children plenty of lovely toys, they inevitably want to play with my stuff. The problem is, Mommy doesn't share well and she doesn't really appreciate her things being covered in unidentifiable stickiness all the time.

My kids want to play with my iPad, make-up, toothbrush, etc. This generally ends with something expensive being broken or me frantically searching the house for my keys when we are already running 20 minutes behind on a Monday. Fantastic!

Where do they put my stuff when they are done, you ask? I generally find them in really well thought out places, like behind the litter box. Oh, THAT is where you decided was the best place for my phone. Much better than in my purse where I left it. I also totally love it when I go to brush my hair and find that there is yogurt jammed in the bristles. What a great way to add much-needed shine and volume! Oh, and that trick where you reprogram the TV to always have subtitles that are in Spanish? Brilliant. I have been meaning to pick up a second language in my spare time.

I could buy my kids a $1,500 swing set and they would still want to stay in the house and play with my jewelry and shoes. It boggles my mind how their little brains work. Clean room full of awesome toys and books = bad. Bathroom full of dirty toilets and toilet paper = good.

Yes, I could tell them not to touch my things, but this would just result in me saying, "Don't touch that. That is Mommy's" 15 gajillion times every three seconds, and that would make me lose my shit even more than fishing my chap stick out of the toaster for the 12th time this week. Kids are awesome.


  1. hahahaha hah. This totally stresses me out. I tell Boyfriend that our baby is getting only wooden blocks to play with - they're cheap, plus the kid will probably like them more than toys anyhow.

    1. And wooden spoons and Tupperware. They LOVE that shit.

  2. Seriously! My kids ALWAYS want my phone so they can play Bubble Burst, but um...Hello, I'm playing it right now and no I'm not giving it to you. Now leave me alone so I can concentrate!

  3. This cracked my shiz up. I can totally relate.

  4. Whike I was reading this, my 3-year-old son came and asked me to play letters, pointing at my phone. Last night I asked my daughter to get out of my heels, only to turn and find her in my other heels. It doesn't stop!

  5. mine doesnt use a pacifier. He prefers to suck on my hair. AS IF I NEEDED ANOTHER REASON TO SHOWER. Thanks, son.

  6. What about the ever-so-delicious TOILET BRUSH? Wave it around like you don't care!

  7. I should write one called “Stop Playing With My Boobs: The Toddler Edition” (look for this author's “The Husband Edition”, already on store shelves!).


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