Things that I have actually said out loud to my daughter:
Kids are Gross
Please stop eating the food you find in the couch.
The toilet is not a table, honey. We do not put our food on there.
Kids are Weird
Are you having some sort of stroke or something? What on earth is wrong with you?
Honey, please don't sit on your brothers face.
Kitty doesn't like you. Please stop playing with her.
We don't kiss the kitty with an open mouth.
We don't sit on the cat, we pet the cat.
Things My Daughter Has Said:
After catching the smell of something funky.
The Quiet Contemplator: Mommy did you poopy?
Me: No but I farted.
After watching me go to the bathroom (Can a mama get some privacy up in here!?!)
The Quiet Contemplator: Yay, mommy! You pee peed on the potty!
Me: Thanks. I was excited, too.
Things friends' kids have said:
After picking a booger out of her son's nose, my friend's son said, "Don't eat it, Mommy." My friend replied, "OK. I'll try not to."
While dancing around and playing with his, um, baggage, my friends little boy gleefully exclaimed, "There's candy in there! There's candy in there! " Um, I am pretty sure that is not candy.
While she was pregnant, my friend's son asked her to see the baby, so she lifted up her shirt to show her belly and he said, "Wow! Your belly button is big. I can fit in there. Daddy could fit in there."
While my friend was eating out at a restaurant with her husband and two-year-old son, the waitress asked her son how he was liking the spinach artichoke dip. He responded, "It sucks." Check please.