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Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Living life in color, once again

Lately, I have been struggling with changes that are going on in my life. A new job, my oldest beginning kindergarten and other changes have been hard on me. Not just because there is a different routine, but because it is slowly showing me that I am becoming myself again in many ways. I have come out of the shell of grief that my brother's death created and started to become the person I was before it all.

Unfortunately, I am realizing that the person that I was/am again might be a lot for certain people to handle. I am loud, and brash and honest. A lot of people have become used to the broken me and aren't as accepting of the new/old me. When I was grieving, I was subdued, quiet and did more listening than talking. Because I didn't have words. But the words are back, along with my annoying asshole personality.

So I am at a crossroads of whether I need to tone down who I am or whether I need to get rid of people who I like in my life but aren't excepting of the new me. Which is actually the old me. Dizzy yet? Yeah, me too.

I am just trying to get my bearings so I can start moving forward and decide who I want to be by my side along the way. It has been a painful struggle, but one that I know will help me grow in the long run. I have been blessed with a semi large group of friends. But I can't tell if they are friends that should be in my life or friends who I just keep there because we have history together.

But as I get older, and possibly wiser, I am sometimes finding it painful to go forward staying friends with people who are no longer supportive. So do I keep doing the work to stay friends with people out of loyalty or do I just slowly fade away from them? I'm not sure what the right answer is and it is a very big question to pose.

I struggle daily because I want to be liked. But my personality isn't very likable. I rub a lot of people the wrong way. Some people choose to embrace that as a positive quality. Others are just frustrated by my lack of social couth.

I guess this is all a somewhat apology for being absent here on the blog. I'm not exactly sure who I am or where I am heading so it is hard to give perspective on myself, let alone anything else.
Living life in color, once again.
I will end this post by letting you know that I am happier now than I have been in a long time. Maybe my whole life. I am just trying to make sure that I keep heading in the direction that leads to my own needs and happiness and not others'. That is a very hard path for me to take. But I am working on it.

If you share this post, I will buy you a pony. I suck at Twitter. I am OK at Facebook. Pinterest is my bitch. I am also on Bloglovin' and Instagram.


  1. If there are people in your life who are not making you feel awesome, move away from them. Spend time with the new people who appreciate your vivacious, wonderful self. Facebook is here to keep those slight connections to people we've known forever, so it's not like you have to go totally radio silent. I'm so glad you're starting to feel better, and you should be surrounded by people who are helping that feeling along and loving on all your awesomeness.

  2. I wish I knew why it was so hard to be authentic and true to yourself. You'd think it would be the easiest thing in the world, but in reality it's hard. There is always the risk that you'll offend someone or piss someone off. It would be nice if everyone could just smile and say "Hey, I'm glad you're happy, but we're just very different people - let's agree to be nice to each other, but maybe close friendship just isn't in the cards and that's okay." I'm at a point in my own life where I've realized I need to be true to myself and that might even mean losing family, but I've come to accept that that's okay. I'll just create a new family with supportive friends and that's okay. For me, it's a matter of waiting and seeing and then letting go if it doesn't feel right. Surround yourself with those who love and support you for who are and wish everyone else well, but don't feel obligated to put a lot of work into something that isn't there anymore.

    1. My friend did an experiment where she didn't reach out to a single person for six months. She just waited to see who reached out to her. She said it was eye opening. I may do the same soon.

  3. With friendships, I have found that it's a lot like marriage (which is kind of the ultimate friendship). It's work, but work you WANT to do. Also work that is reciprocated. If you have to try too hard to maintain the relationship, it's not usually worth it. I try to be myself and have come to terms with the fact that friendships wax and wane. True friends will be there no matter what. True friends might even disappear during different stages then come back. That's not necessarily a bad thing. For example, I lost track of some close college friends during our 20s. Now that I too am settled with a family, we have reconnected. I'm not the exact same person I was in college. Neither are they and that's ok.

  4. Welcome back! I'd just causally dump any idiots who can't go with the flow. We're grown ups. Be loud. Be goofy. Be happy!

  5. Hell yeah! I've missed you, Non-Mormon Mommy Blog Author. I am a shitty absent commenter, so I haven't said much lately (at all) (for a long time) (sorry) BUT a faithful reader. I've ditched my fair share of soul suckers and am a better person for it. If you ever find yourself in Green Bay, look me up (I think you messaged me on facebook once) and I'll buy you four beers.

  6. I've missed you! Please, don't ditch the blog! I have similar issues. I like to say I'm polarizing - most like me or hate me-there's not really any 'meh'. Be who you are and if they can't take it that's really a shame. Differences are what makes the world go round-not vanilla niceness.

  7. So happy to read that you are so happy. :) I've made a concerted effort over the past 5 years to let the drama friendships sort of gradually fade away, and I've focused effort on maintaining the friendships that make me feel better and feel fulfilled and happy. That doesn't mean I'm dumping people who aren't happy all the time, but I have decided that fulfilling relationships are where it's at, and fuck the rest of them. :)

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