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Wednesday, September 3, 2014

My kid is adorable. Your kid is annoying.


I will be the first to admit that I am not a huge fan of other people’s kids. I mean, they are great and all, but I have my own kids to love/be annoyed by. I often find that things that I think are absolutely adorable when my kids do them are incredibly annoying when other people’s kids do them. Things like:

Participating in any Kind of Recital
When my little pumpkins are the ones picking their noses during a dance recital, that shit is precious. I mean, come on, it is better they unload their boogs on the stage than on my couch, right? But when I have to sit through a piano recital or school play for children that did not come forth from my very own loins? I would rather stab myself in the leg with a rusty fork. Because anything is preferable to sitting in a musty gym on a metal folding chair watching Timmy’s tuba solo. Seriously. Bring on the tetanus.

Showcasing their Newly Learned Skills
My husband LOVES showing off our kids’ latest skills. He is horrible at annoying innocent bystanders by making them watch our kids perform some mundane task. Yes, our 3-year-old can count to 10, but NO ONE ELSE CARES. Absolutely no one wants to see that shit in action except us. And even I have a threshold of how many times it is cute. Hell, even their GRANDPARENTS fake excited when they do it. Our friends that are over to hang out and merely tolerate our spawn? They have no interest in seeing our son display his new-found abilities. Unless he can juggle cats. Everyone would be interested in seeing that.

Answering the Phone
This may be one of my all-time favorite things to do to other people and my all-time most hated thing when people do it to me. Because it is adorable when my daughter answers the phone, “Hewow, Gwampa.” But when I am calling to see if you want to go have a drink because I am losing my freaking mind and your kid answers the phone, talks gibberish for 5 minutes and then throws it down and walks away? THAT is annoying as shit. Shivers.

Wearing Shoes That Squeak
Have you ever been to the playground in the mall and had a cute little toddler wobble over to you with those shoes that have little squeakers in the bottom? Cute, right? For about 5 minutes. Then the claustrophobia of the germ-encrusted play pit starts to set in and you suddenly develop tunnel vision, cold sweats and feel faint from all of the “fun” everyone is having around you. That squeak is like the tell-tale heart--every squeak seems louder and closer that the one before until you just. can’t. take it anymore.

Unless you have a pair of Wee Squeaks. They have removable squeakers so your kids can be as adorable as you want at home and you don’t have to annoy every single person in a 100-foot radius when you pop into Target to pick up your next box of wine. The squeakers were the only way I could get my son out of Crocs. Once he would wear the Wee Squeaks, I just popped the squeaker out and TA-DA: my son looked less like a gardening-addicted hobbit when we went out in public (you can see how freaking cute his/her new kicks are in the annoying video below).

video


The post is sponsored by Wee Squeaks but they did not force me to say nice stuff about their shoes at gunpoint. If I didn’t like them, I would let you Boozehounds know fo sho.

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