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Thursday, March 6, 2014

The Internet thinks I have a drinking problem.

I have recently discovered that the internet thinks I have a drinking problem. It all started when I was browsing my suggested books list on Amazon one day. Once you buy and rate enough books through the site, Amazon starts recommending other books you might like. Pretty sweet, right? Yeah, not so much. You see, while I was scrolling down through the list, I started to see a pattern to their recommendations. What was that pattern, you ask? That Amazon thinks I am an alcoholic.

The books Amazon recommended where 12-step AA books with titles like, “Learning to let go, one drop at a time” and “Drinking won’t cure the sads”. These are made-up titles, of course, but you get the drift. SO not cool, Amazon! What are you trying to imply? Just because I pop bottles like models and enjoy me a good box of wine every day now and then, doesn’t mean I have a problem. I can quit any time I want. Like right now. Or maybe tomorrow, today has been pretty tough. Actually, next week is much better for my schedule…

I figured out that because I was reading a bunch of David Sedaris and Augusten Burroughs, both of whom share an affection/affliction for alcohol, Amazon assumed that I was drinking like a successful writer. HA! I wish. I can’t even drink like a moderately successful copywriter, let alone keep up with the likes of those amazing two fuckers. Anyway. I thought that this was maybe just a silly mistake until last night, when my phone told me I was a shitty drunk…

While I was upstairs cooking dinner with girlfriends, I went to text my husband and his buddy, who were downstairs doing whatever men do when they are alone in a room full of power tools, that dinner was ready. As I typed in the “di” in “dinner”, my phone automatically prompted to help me by spelling out “DUI”. Um, what the fuck, Siri? Not only am I an alcoholic, but now I am such an asshole that I would actually get drunk and DRIVE!?! Me thinks not. Ever. Siri, you toothless whore, I know you are after me, what with your blatant autocorrect fails and shitty directions, but this has gone too far. This means war, you electronic slut. Bring it.

Needless to say, after all of these baseless accusations of alcoholism, I need a drink…

If you share this post, I will buy you a pony. I suck at Twitter. I am OK at Facebook. Pinterest is my bitch. I am also on Bloglovin' and Instagram.


  1. You are totally right, Siri is an electronic slut. Every time I try to use her, we get into an argument. Well...more like I start yelling at her and slam down the phone screaming "Fuck you Siri, seriously fuck you." Cheers! Enjoyed your post.

  2. You are hilarious. Just found you and i think I'll keep reading

  3. everyone knows that. doesnt mean we have to like him. how many points?

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