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Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Children's Books That Blow

I love me a good children's book. I could read Giraffe's Can't Dance and The Pout Pout Fish a million times. But not all children's books are created equally. No, some children's book make me want to punch the author in the neck just for writing such an asshole-y book. Such as: 

Goodnight Gorilla.
Dude, if I wanted to make up a story, I wouldn't have bought a book. There are like 25 words total in the whole book. The rest you have to explain. Often times to a child who knows the word, "Why?" Ain’t nobody got time for that. Even worse than Goodnight Gorilla? This one: Tuesday by David Wiesner. Seriously, I need words after a long day of work and momming. Help a mutha out, will ya!?!

I'll love you forever.
"I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always,
As long as I'm living
my baby you'll be."

Adorable, right? Not so much. Why?

"Because that little boy grew. He grew and he grew and he grew. He grew until he was a grown-up man. He left home and got a house across town. But sometimes on dark nights the mother got into her car and drove across town. If all the lights in her son's house were out, she opened his bedroom window, crawled across the floor, and looked up over the side of his bed. If that great big man was really asleep she picked him up and rocked him back and forth, back and forth, back and forth."

Yes, the overall "chorus" of this book is cute, but the lady fucking breaks into her grown son's house, sneaks into his bedroom, takes him out of his bed and rocks his ass to sleep. Hell-to-the-no you crazy old bat. I am calling the cops. Then I am calling ADT to install a new security system and then I am welding bars on my bedroom window. Stay the flock out, you old coot, I mean mom. Shivers.

Guess how much I love you.
"I love you right up to the MOON," Little Nutbrown Hare said, and closed his eyes.

"Oh, that's far," said Big Nutbrown Hare. "That is very, very far."

Big Nutbrown Hare settled Little Nutbrown Hare into his bed of leaves. He leaned over and kissed him good night.

Then he lay down close by and whispered with a smile, "I love you right up to the moon - AND BACK."

Man, that dad is a one-upping mother fucker. Every time his kid tries to tell him how much he loves him, the dad has to say it the exact same way but just a little better. He even waits until his son is asleep so he can one-up him and Little Butbrown Hare can’t fight back. Asshole.

 Fox in Sox.
“When beetles fight these battles in a bottle with their paddles
and the bottle's on a poodle and the poodle's eating noodles...
...they call this a muddle puddle tweetle poodle beetle noodle
bottle paddle battle.”

Dude, seriously? Fuck you. I can't even get this nonsense to make sense in my head, let alone have it make sense when it comes out of my mouth.

Anything by Walt Disney.
Dude, stop putting it into my kids that their parents might die and that we will leave them alone with the worst relative we can possible find. Seriously. Just stop.

These are just a few of the children's books that make my eye twitch. What are some of yours?

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  1. I've had the same thought about "Guess How Much I Love You". Um, wow, can't your kid love you enough, jerk? I do like that it's about a dad, but 'little nutbrown hare' and 'big nutbrown hair' are too much for me, I say 'little bunny' and 'daddy bunny'.
    The ones that really drive me nuts are the ones illustrated by Eric Carle. I don't know why, but I just find him OBNOXIOUS. That horse is half purple, idiot, stop trying to trick my kid. And why can't we say orange fish when every other animal is called by color and type? The fish is obviously orange. Stupid Eric Carle.

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  3. Ha! I'm with you on Goodnight Gorilla. If I wanted to tell a story, I wouldn't have opened a book.

    I also hate (to the moon and back) the first Curious George book. Don't make me explain to my three-year-old why a monkey is smoking a pipe. I also hate all the Babar books. They're way too long, there's never a good plot and they always toss in some violence, which, again, I don't want to deal with.

  4. so funny. we were given this book called "hug" about a baby gorilla named Bobo searching for his mom. The only word in the book is "hug". Hug is on every page (multiple times) with pictures of animals hugging. its weird and the most awful book to read!

  5. Tongue-twister books get disappeared at our house. Quickly.

  6. We read Guess How Much I Love You last night and this very thought went through my head. It's like the "No, I love you more" battle between teenagers in love only shittier because it's about your kid.

  7. I just read the Fox in Socks bit out loud. The rest I totally agree on! Creepy, one-upping, insane and frustrating books! It's amazing what people write (or don't) for parents to read to kids. You had me LOLing.

  8. I Love You Forever is just genuinely creepy towards the end. I'm also not loving any Dr. Seuss right now. Our toddler knows they're ridiculously long and always grabs one last to stall bedtime. Plus... Hop on Pop makes no sense whatsoever and I'm so done with the rhymes and made up nonsense.

  9. Actually, I kinda dig David Weisner for that exact reason. If there are visible words, my daughter wants them read. Without the words she's quite content to "read" the book on her own. Win! I agree on the others. We do "Mama, Do You Love Me" for the parents-love-you-how-much book, which, though somewhat irritating to read over and over, at least doesn't make me want to gut-punch anyone like "Guess How Much I Love You"!

  10. Oh My God!! I hate the beetle puddle battle thing. I never, ever say it right.

  11. I Love You Forever is definitely creepy if you don't know the story behind it. It's really quite touching once you know...

  12. The "I'll love you forever" book is a tad creepy but the author came up with it when his wife gave birth to stillborns, it's a really sad story. The song is a song he had created in his head for his babies before they were born and he couldn't get the song out of his head afterwards so he created the book! =)

  13. This made me laugh out loud because I found your blog after Googling "Big Nutbrown Hare is a jerk."

    Another kid's book that has always bothered me is The Giving Tree. That's not a cute story of self-sacrifice. It's a twisted tale of a selfish little boy and a lifelong dysfunctional relationship that leaves the tree with absolutely nothing.

    And in a final act of indignity, he basically sits his old ass down right on her face.


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